BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

[Accuray]

Hi BC39,

Sorry to hear this has happened. After my W's affair we too went through a "honeymoon period" where everything was great -- as good as it ever was, and then she also started slowly pulling away.

I think there is some euphoria that comes with realizing your "bad" or embarrassing behavior is over, you won't be getting divorced and maybe your marriage CAN work out that motivates a returning WAS for some period of time, but then that burns off and you're back to more of a real world relationship challenge.

It's like they believe they can come back to a fairy tale ending, but real life isn't a fairy tale, and some of the long term challenges are still there.

I do think it's odd that you're concerned about having an R talk. The advice to avoid R talks is when you have a walkaway spouse who tells you they are done with you, or want out of the marriage. Having R talks at that point is a bad idea, because it tends to just further cement their position and puts you into a one-down pursuit mode.

Now that your W says she wants to stay married to you, your situation must become as much about you as it is about her, which is to say that when you need to have an R talk, you should have one. If you are dissatisfied, you should discuss that, because YOUR needs matter too.

If you suppress your own needs in the interest of not rocking the boat and keeping her happy, you are on the road to have your own affair. If you want it to really work, you have to have the tough conversations when they need to be had. If she walks away as a result, that's okay, because the reality is that she's not willing to do what it takes in that scenario.

Acc