An End/Beginning of Year Update

[Accuray]

Captain,

You helped me very much when I first came here -- I view you as very wise, and yet I continue to be completely confused by your decisions. You refer to a commitment you made to your wife and your absolute determination to honor it, yet you live an unsatisfying life to hear you describe it. You've had great personal victories in terms of weight loss and fitness that are very admirable, but you and your W seem to be locked in a type of cold war.

You refer to giving your wife reminders and making other comments that she probably interprets as slights and digs. You also set the stage for her to step up and engage in some intimacy with you again and she leaves you hanging. It's a painful thing to read about.

From what you write, she is suspicious and paranoid about losing you -- it doesn't seem at all like she's operating from a position of not caring. What is her perspective on all this? If you were describe your situation from her perspective, what would it be?

ssmguy, have you practiced open marriage yet? You seem to come here looking for people to tell you that it's okay. I'm telling you it's okay, so go do it! Why don't you do it? I haven't seen anyone take your bait and tell you you should not, you really seem to be arguing with yourself on that topic. If you want to have sex, go have it!

But I put it out of my mind and I don't think about it.

Ad, that would simply be *impossible* for me. I could not just put sex out of my mind and not think about it. If you are able to do that, you and I live on different planets.

It is so tied into my mood and general brain function it's hard to describe, and can truly be a source of great pain.

Honest conversations... thank you! That is the key. You don't know women by reading books or studying "women", you get to know ONE woman through intimate conversation, learning what she thinks, how she feels, and what she likes and doesn't like. It is really that easy.

It's only that "easy" if the woman knows herself and is willing to have intimate conversations. No all woman will accept that invitation or would be comfortable with that (or capable of it).

I think it's great that you are, and also that you're on here trying to help with SSM issues!

Acc