Dealing with Uncertainty...

[NeedingMore]

Well, a journaling update...

I have been feeling wonderful! I am not sure, but I think I am past the worst of this situation. I suppose as much as DBing has helped my situation, it IS different not being married. BF and I don't have legal or kid issues looming around our situation. I thought this was a curse in the beginning, because there were no ties that bind. Truth is, we are only in contact every couple of days and limited texts due to our mutual business. I have been commuting to work, taking care of my kids, etc. I have layed really low and not initiated much contact with BF. He texts me when lay low. We are definitely at a limbo stage with really hectic schedules. Somehow we manage to stay connected, no matter how brief. For now I am ok with it. I don't know if we will continue to grow apart, but I am not worrying about it. It feels so amazing to say that. I have to move forward and that is what I am doing. I know we are all in different situations, but I continue to pray for the restoration of my R to better than it was before...and at the same time I am completely giving it over to God to figure it out! It has not been the easy road and I have resisted so much.. I honestly do not know what turned the switch in my mind from desperation to nearly healed (I still have moments of weakness, but not hopelessness like before!) but I know that I prayed for the healing of my pain and like MAGIC, thenext day I felt better. It was a process, but I can say that the difference in prayers were that before I prayed for the FIXING of my R. And I finally got tot he point where I prayed for the healing of my pain...no matter the outcome. Guess I figured it out the hard way. I am now hopeful, confident and sure...all attractive qualities! My BF may be slow to pick up on my new attitude, but it doesn't matter. He didn't see me wallowing in my own self pity, and he doesn't see me feeling better. The point is, it doesn't matter what he sees, because I am living for what I see, feel, do, etc. There is such a big difference in acting as if, and BEING OK with this roller coaster.