Limbo is the new normal

[NeedingMore]

HI Confluences,

I feel ya with the holidays being so tough. I think everyone here has that same issue. Something you said here made me think about something I heard just yesterday. I know this is easier said than done, but in regards to your concern over what the next year brings, I heard that we either learn lessons in life from a place of fear/pain or a place of love...and that once we realize this, it is within our power to choose which place we are going to learn from. Don't you think you have given the control over your happiness over to other people for too long now? Is it perhaps time to take the power back, say, from the WAW friends who "chose sides" and are now controlling YOUR emotions?? CHOOSE that this is going to be a miraculous year in which you learn from a place of peace. Stop blaming others and start living for you! Please read Marianne Williamson's book, A Return To Love. This is where you will find info on how to choose love over fear and joy over pain. She also says that a miracle can only happen when we shift our perspective from one of fear TO one of love. Watch the link below. This helps me so maybe it will help you too Take care!

http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sund...Your-Life-Video

[Confluences]

Hi, NM~

Thank you for the video link, it was a common theme. I have been reading 4 books simultaneously ("Getting Back Together" by Masa Goetz/Bettie Youngs, "How to get it Together When Your World is Coming Apart" by Donald Morgan, "Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung" by Ajahn Brahm, and "Divorce Care, 365 Daily Devotions" by Kathy Leonard & Steve Grissom)

They all have sections on addressing anger and the process (and it is an arduous process) of seeking/choosing forgiveness. It's a hard road and being angry is not a clever response because it is usually a self-preservation reaction or frustrated with unmet expectations.

I felt really bad & like an ingrate on how I reacted to my friend who invited me over to his place on NYE out of kindness and I was just lashing-out due to 8 months of frustration. I do have to focus on learning, growth, and renewal....which is hard....but necessary.

You got to choose to love yourself first.......which is hard, especially when the default reaction is to often be your own worst critic!

[slow_it_down]

Confluences, for better or worse I'm glad you survived the holidays. It's tough to have your group of friends split up when you need them most. I'm glad you got out for NYE though, even if it didn't go the best.

Do you have any plans to switch things up? From your posts it doesn't seem like your W has been in much contact. But she hasn't picked up the last of her stuff or filed so who knows where her mind is at. Would you consider asking her to hang out as friends? What else can you do to shake things up?

[Confluences]

Slow~ My W has a lot of items still here where I live. She texted me a couple of weeks ago to thank me for leaving Christmas decorations at a friend's house and to discuss tax stuff but it was brief.

I am working on some financial stuff (still) that is supposed to fund next week but could have possibly funded yesterday but the stupid snow in New York kept people away from work.

In NC, you have to wait 12 months before you can file but I still am focused on getting some financial stuff resolved and that may force to recognize that some sustained changes have occurred for the better.

There is a older post on here that I saved where a guy was recounting how he had no contact with his W for 14 months, assumed it was over, disconnected, and on the 4th meeting with her to finalize a D, his W stopped it and they were able to work things out. It was a very inspiring story...here it is below:

Jamesjohn
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest From farfromhome

*****************************************************

I was pretty close to the brink, well about a week away from it and got to the stage we had been to court three times, had only talked 4 times in 4 months and hadn’t seen each other for 14 months. We are now back together and working through things.

In the end you cannot stop the Divorce if that is what she really wants. I just said if this is what you want then I won’t stop it but I’m not going to help in anyway. We then got bogged down in property settlement issues (that was the 3 court appearances).

Through this time I treated the property side as any business arrangement, I wasn’t going to give wife stuff in the hope she would come back (this never works by the way). I went completely dark and tried to get a life back. In my case I had completely given up on my marriage which in the end was the thing that made her want to give things another go - she realized the finality of it all.

In the end don’t freak out, this isn’t a good look for you in her eyes. All I can suggest is to concentrate on you and detach. I know it is hard it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. You also have to accept that this is not a 'trick' to get your wife back but it is you generally looking at getting on with your life.

My wife and I have talked a lot about what was going on in our minds through the separation. I was positive through this period that she “said” she had written us off, she was not thinking about me and was out having a good time. In fact she was continually thinking about us and working through issues in her mind. Don’t believe what they say to you, it is soooo different from what is going on in their minds.

My wife said something to me that was a bit of an eye opener. I did get the ILYBNILWY talk, the trust talk, the change talk, etc. That seems to be a very common thread through most stories on the board. She told me that even though she was saying these things she knew inside that she still loved me, missed me and what we had. She was angry so she would deliberately do things to push my buttons to make me get mad thus reinforcing in her mind that she had made the right decision to walk away.

One big word of advice - Never get into an argument with the WAS about what they have done, never try to change their mind - You will NEVER win - this is something that they have to go through themselves (well in my experience anyway)

I don’t think there is any right thing that makes things 'work'. But from what I have seen is the process of detachment, looking after yourself and doing things to make your life good. This does get the WAS thinking and it certainly did in my stich. In the end for us she made the contact to stop the court case and asked to give it another go and I am very happy that she did.

Andrew
_________________________
JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!

[NeedingMore]

Hey Slow and Confluences!

I take comfort in reading success stories too. Slow, any updates on MIL. What's goin' on?

Someone from another thread posted this link and I thought it sounded like you, Slow...and the inspiration I got from some of your past postings from just before baby arrived!

Wishing you both well!!

http://m.theweek.com/article.php?id=99512

[slow_it_down]

That was a pretty good article, thanks for sharing.

Also Confluences, I'm glad you haven't given up hope. Have you considered how to give her financial piece of mind while not completely giving up that risky/ entrepreneurial part of who you are? Aside from money have you tackled whatever other areas of concern she's had?

Needingmore, I'm not sure about MIL. My H said he talked to her but didn't give me much insight into the conversation. I'm still not sure if she's coming or not and if she comes she'll arrive in 2 days.

On the positive I brought up an undesirable topic with H and he didn't run for the hills for a change. I told him I'm starting to feel like I get the "whatever's left" time from him after all his other priorities are met. He doesn't delegate well at work and always works when things come up for his employees. I asked what's the difference between them needing to call off due to family responsibilities vs him having family responsibilities. I asked why he can't make more of an effort to protect his time and let the other employees pick up some of those extra hours. At first he acted angry but in the days that followed that talk he's been over a lot and very loving. He said he doesn't want me to feel like I'm his lowest priority so it seems like he got what I was trying to say.

[slow_it_down]

H called to say his mom is coming tomorrow. I'm so angry at him and her that I could break something. I work full time, manage all 3 kids on my own and I take 100% care of our S, letting my H have minimal responsibility to come and go as he pleases working his time with S in around his work schedule, gym, hunting etc and yet neither him nor his mom can respect my schedule when I tell them this is the worst possible week for her to visit.

I texted her in a last ditch effort to plead my case in a non confrontational matter. I'm so tempted to say "I already bend over backwards for your son, you can't just show up without considering my wishes" but I know that will do no good.

If I were in DBING mode I'd be validating that it [censored] for him that she's coming... And supporting him over the next few days when he's frustrated with her. Instead I want to drop S off with them, turn off my phone, and disappear for a few days. Not entirely rational, especially bc I'm still nursing the baby, but I want nothing to do with him right now. If our S wasn't so young and dependent on being near me this wouldn't be such a big deal because they could easily take S for awhile without it interrupting my schedule for the upcoming days. Now I'm going to have to bend my entire life, which is hectic enough as is, around them. So frustrated he didn't do more to get her to reschedule!

[Confluences]

Okay, Slow, you need to turn the tables on this circumstance in your favor:

1. Write yourself a letter to H & MIL venting out all your frustrations and anger about the untimely visit by your MIL. Be nasty and vile as far as getting all your feelings off your chest. Then read it to yourself 3 times and soak in how it will sound when you unload all your frustrations on them. If it's like some of the angry letters that I write, I usually realize they are the best written pieces of thought that I would definitely regret sharing with someone......but it felt good to write it.

2. Write a to-do list for your MIL for each day she is there and speculate with a reward for yourself if she completes each task. It could be a glass of wine, piece of chocolate, time alone to exercise, etc. Try to see how you can manipulate the situation in your favor and she may feel appreciated by helping out!

Sorry about that circumstance with regards to the baby being so dependent on you at this time. Makes sense why you're frustrated.

Definitely do Item #1 and update us! Better than backsliding!

[slow_it_down]

Thanks for being the voice of reason for me today Confluences. You are right about it being a horrible idea to express some of my angry angry thoughts. I feel like I've gotten more upset as the day goes on and I just need to let this go so I can wake up tomorrow and move on.

[Confluences]

Again, I type out all my thoughts on MS Notepad and save them when I get that way. Every time I return to read it, I realize that I'd regret because it's a momentary fit of rage but it's important to express it. You just have to consider the unintended consequences of going full-bore directly towards the offending parties, regardless of how at fault they are in the situation.

I have bit my tongue way more than I should have but there are times where I have come close to letting it all fly. Sometimes you just got to be willing (and it's a choice that takes a lot of will power) to take it for the greater good. It [censored] and you feel like a door mat but at the same time realize the moment will pass and hold your head up for taking the high road.

It is hard, no doubt.