melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[melissag]

I feel like a mess, you guys. I seriously need to get it together.

It was so good being away from H for a week, and I thought I had made progress. Well, I did make progress, at least with myself - I pushed through some fears around the vacation, etc. And I had fun with my kids.

Then I get back and it's like I'm back in separation/divorce hell.

I mentioned to H that I thought it would be good to have a regular schedule for his visits with the kids, and he agreed. So a few minutes ago, I texted him and asked him to let me know when it might be a good time to talk about that. He said he had sent me an email.

The gist of it was, hope you had fun on your trip, it sounds like kids had fun. Here is what is on my schedule, I'm thinking about going to see my brother this weekend, blah blah.

Then:

I’m fine with establishing “default” nights during the week or weekend (say, Wednesday and Saturday night) where I get them and if one of us has something that they want to do on a different day, we just discuss and plan. I think that makes the most sense, but I’m open to other suggestions.

At some point, we should also get together and talk about next steps for planning things out going forward. Let me know when you feel that would be appropriate.

Ugh. Double triple quadruple ugh.

I couldn't stop myself. I knew I shouldn't, but I texted him:
M: Your email was pretty formal sounding. Is that where we are now?
H: I don't know what that means. But no, I don't think we're formal. I just couldn't think of a way to work in a good fart joke.
M: It meant what I said . . . it seemed formal. There wasn’t anything more to it. I guess it just made me feel sad.
H: Ok. I'm sorry? I think there are "business like" items that we need to take care of, and that tends to be a more formal process.

Blech. I know I am not supposed to act on emotions, and I know I have to stop letting everything H does and says get to me, but it just made me feel like [censored] all over again. I can't get over how he was my H and my best friend for 11 years, and now we are here . . . figuring out "when it would be appropriate to get together to talk about next steps for planning things out going forward."

FML. All over again. My PMA and my strength are just gone tonight.