melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[melissag]

So I came home and immediately felt the post-vacation, come-back-to-my-house-that-my-husband-moved-out-of PMA drop. Ugh.

H texted this morning and asked, "is there any chance I can get dinner with you guys tonight?" I told him sure, he can take the kids out. When he came to pick them up, he asked, "do you want to come?" I said, (in a perfectly cheerful tone, not sullen or anything) "no, that's OK, you guys go ahead." (I am sorry, but as much as I know I need to turn this around, boy am I pissed at him/hurt by him right now - no desire whatsoever to go to dinner and act like a family even though I know it's a load of BS.) It worked out for me to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things anyway,

So when they came back, the doorbell rang. Kids were on the doorstep and H was shoveling the front walk. And of course I found myself thinking, "huh?"

Someone mentioned a solutions journal. I kept one for a little while, but then started to wonder if I was paying too much attention to what H did and not enough to what I did . . . I don't know - where is the line there? How do you keep a solutions journal without getting back on the roller coaster.

I am still struggling with how to not be angry with H. Telling myself he's someone else, or can't figure [censored] out right now helps me on a logical level, but then it leaves a void. I need something to tell myself. To replace "H is an ass and is making a fool of me and I am sooooo hurt that he is treating me this way when he was the one person I was supposed to be able to count on always." I need to replace that somehow. What do I replace it with? And it can't just be "I am doing this, that and the other for myself." That doesn't help me to have a mindset when it comes to H.

For a while it was, "H is going through a hard time right now," or, "I hurt my H, and this must have been what he felt like in order to prompt him to leave," or, "maybe H isn't keeping the promises he made to me, but I am, and I am rowing this boat for both of us."

I can't seem to make any of those stick anymore, though. Blah. Maybe I need to read through my thread again. I feel like I am getting a lot of good advice but I'm not listening.