And I just keep going...

[keep_going]

Dear, dear friends - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am back and happy to see so many posts from people I have come to care for deeply.

The trip and holidays went by soooo fast...

Before I left I received phone calls and gifts from MIL and three of my SILs. I had been feeling lately like they perhaps were pulling away since OW is now attending family functions, but it was really nice to have them all reach out and show me they still care. I am so lucky!

The trip was a great experience. Amazing for the kids to spend time with all the cousins and connect and good for me as well. I think what I have learned here and thru other sources and reading is helping me see things differently in other R. Like my family...

I realize how dysfunctional some of our family dynamics are and I had to practice (a lot) to set some healthy boundaries. My relatives are all filled with love and good intentions, but want to control and decide things for others. Since I am visiting, they all want to take us places and determine how we spend our time there. I used to just say yes, go along and then become resentful for not doing or saying what I really wanted.
(Hmmm... I wonder who I know like that - lol... It's like I was looking in the mirror!)

At first I failed miserably, falling into old patterns of unhealthy reactions on my part. Yet the difference is that I recognized them right away and was able to change course and establish some boundary-setting actions - sometimes. So I was able to change some interactions and felt good about it. Other times I was able to recognize that people don't change and that it's sometimes better (and easier) to let go when things are not that important.

I am now back and trying to get ready for the new year.
There are many important things going on for me this year.

H and I are looking into schools for next year for D6 and D5. Still at odds as to what we want. I want them to go to private school and am willing to make financial sacrifices for it. H isn't. So since I cannot afford to pay for it all by myself, if we don't get financial aid (I am applying for it), then they will end up in public school.

I am dealing with letting go of that dream. Part of our process in this journey is exactly that. Accepting our reality and how what we thought for our future is not so anymore. Financially I thought that losing our dream home would be the most devastating, but I am finding that it's not so.

Actually the school issue has proven more difficult for me. I went to a private school thru high school in my native country. My experience and learning there opened so many doors for me. I believe that having such a strong foundation is what allowed me to go to a top university in the US (as a foreigner) and what allows me today to have a job and career that lets me support my kids and provide a good life w/o my H's help. So yes, I am partial to private education and it's been hard to let go of that dream for my kids, specially since my H used to share it too, but doesn't anymore. So I am doing everything I can to see if I can get financial aid and if it doesn't work out, I am working on being ok with the outcome. It's been a slow process, but I am getting there.

I also have to do my taxes - first time filing on my own and that will need to bring up some difficult conversations with H, since we will need to negotiate deductions. So invariably it will lead to D negotiations, since this is part of the big picture. Not my choice to bring up any of this, but I have to file taxes early for the school applications.

Nothing has really happened on the D front since H filed on Sept. of 2011. He mentioned to me some months ago that he was waiting because I had asked and because he wanted me to get a job and be financially stable. I guess we are there now, so with the new year I expect him to re-focus on the D again. Apart from the taxes, I am not pro-actively doing anything about the D (I still don't want it). I will wait for him (or his L) to send me his proposal and then I will meet with my L and respond accordingly. In the meantime, I am busy with my life and my kids.

I have to come up with a new financial plan for 2014 and long term. Once I know what happens to the kids' schools, I will be able to make a new budget and make a serious savings plan. I want to make sure I don't become a burden for my kids in my old age and since all our savings and financial plans are gone, I need to start pretty much from scratch. Not ideal at 42, but better late than never. Not worrying too much about it, but I do want to be pro-active.

I also need to look at moving. I love where I live and it's ideal for the kids, but if the kids end up being accepted to private school (with aid), I will need to move to a cheaper place, and if they end up going to public school, I want to move to the other side of town because I like that public school better than the one I am in. So that will also keep me busy in the Spring.

I also need to enroll the girls in swim lessons -they are close to learning and I want to make sure they know by the summer. We live near the ocean and I think it's a life-skill they need to learn. Also looking into t-ball or gymnastics. I will have to figure out logistics - who will take them, since both H and I work. So lots to figure out and see if it's possible. If not, not a big deal.

I am also determined to work on my health. I have a new plan - use my lunch break at work to go on a 1-hr. walk. That is the only time I can realistically exercise. I also need to change my eating habits. I realize diets are not for me and that people who look great and are healthy don't really diet. They just have good eating habits. I have read that it takes 20-30 days to change a bad habit, so I have made a list of the things I need to change and will tackle one at a time; starting with drinking 8 glasses of water a day. That will be habit #1 and I will go from there. We'll see how that works.


So these are my immediate tasks for the new year. Apart from that, I will continue to focus on my personal growth and working on improving myself. I read in someone's thread about making a list. I think I need to get that specific at this point. My list wil still be very, very long - lol...

I hope everyone is having a great beginning of the year. Sorry for the long post. I don't know if I'll ever get better at that so thanks for reading!