A twist on cake-eating & dropping a bomb of my own

[2Times2Many]

Need advice on this one ... STFU or Speak up??

On Thursday I had to call 911 and go to the hospital due to severe abdominal pain. Turned out I had coughed so much and so hard from recent cold that I tore a muscle in my stomach and started bleeding internally. They stopped the bleeding and kept me in the hospital for 2 nights. I was pretty bad ... couldn't move for a day or two without horrible pain. Am home now and doing much better although I have severe restrictions on activity.

Contacted H right away, of course. His response .. OMG ... do you need me to come home?? Really? How am I supposed to respond to that? He had a big move scheduled for this weekend and started telling me the ramifications of having to change everything but kept saying he would come home if I "needed" him to. He finally told me that he needed to hear me say "I need you here" and he would come home, but he needed to hear those words.

I just told him that I would like him to come home, that I wanted him to come home, but I didn't "need" him here. So, of course, he stayed and proceeded on with his plans for his main mistress, that damned factory.

Now that I am on the mend, I am getting angrier and angrier. I can't help but wonder what would have to happen here for him to feel like it was at least as important as the operation over there. If I had told him I needed him here, he would have ended up blaming me for delays over there. I feel like he put me in a place of having no choice but to tell him to stay there.

So do I say something ... If so, what???

I am just so tired of competing with that damned factory. It is the most important thing in his life ... no question. I hate it and see it as the source of all the unhappiness in my life. He knows that, but he just keeps moving forward and deeper. I am so ready to just tell him have a great life ... that I am finished!

[LoisB]

2T,

You have every right to feel angry. Feel it, but don't HURT YOURSELF!!

So, he asked and maybe he was hoping for a certain answer. Maybe he was hoping you would say "No." But, that's on him.

He asked and you coulda said, "Yes."

Still, you are expecting him to act a certain way. Is it unrealistic??

I don't think saying anything will achieve anything positive at this point.

But, maybe you are facing some truths about him and what he is capable of today?? He seems to be offering you something, but is it not enough for you?

Raine wrote a post a few months back to me. She said that I needed to make a decision about what I wanted. If I chose to continue to stand for my marriage, then, I needed to be aware that I was standing in the fire--and accept the fire. If I was able to accept who my H is today and accept he will continue to behave far below my expectations of a partner, then I won't get burned. But, I have to accept him as he is today--I have to accept him as the man he is today and NOT the man I wish he would be.

It's hard... I'm still not sure what my decision is...

[2Times2Many]

Actually, I really didn't expect him to come home. But, maybe you are right. Maybe I was hoping I was wrong about that. Maybe I was hoping for a "good" sign.

I think the thing that really makes me angry is that he sought, and I feel like I gave him, permission to be a jerk ... now he can justify his inattentiveness to my needs by telling himself that I said I didn't need him ... so that makes it okay. The last thing I want to do is tell him it's okay to treat me like crap. That is not okay! I want to avoid that trap in the future if I can.

On the other hand ... This was definitely a good opportunity to show him I am doing fine without him. (I don't recommend that method to others!)

I understand what Raine means by accepting the fire. I can accept who he is today as long as I feel like he his is still on his MLC journey. If I thought the changes in him were permanent, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't settle for him. I know I can have and deserve better ... ironically, he is the one who showed me that.

[LoisB]

...the thing that really makes me angry is that he sought, and I feel like I gave him, permission to be a jerk ... now he can justify his inattentiveness to my needs by telling himself that I said I didn't need him ... so that makes it okay. The last thing I want to do is tell him it's okay to treat me like crap. That is not okay! I want to avoid that trap in the future if I can.

I think you did. But, if you had said, "Yes, I need you" ...what then? What do you think he would've done? Would he have been resentful for being there? Is he in a place where he would have been any real comfort?

I understand what Raine means by accepting the fire. I can accept who he is today as long as I feel like he his is still on his MLC journey. If I thought the changes in him were permanent, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't settle for him. I know I can have and deserve better ... ironically, he is the one who showed me that.

Me too. Me too. How do we know?? The lines are getting blurry as we travel further and further away from when he was remotely sane.

[2Times2Many]

If I had said I needed him here, he would have taken good care of me, but I would have heard a lot about how much he (and the business) sacrificed so he could be here. Fortunately, I seem to be recovering faster than I expected ... or it could be these awesome meds they sent me home with!

I do think that he is not so far gone that he doesn't feel bad about how he's behaving. He has driven me absolutely crazy about how to handle things under the circumstances, about who can stay here with me, go shopping for me, etc. What signs to watch out for in case bleeding starts again. And the biggie ... finding someone to bring me the anniversary flowers that are going to be delivered to the office tomorrow. I think I sense a little guilt there ... maybe.

How do we know?? The lines are getting blurry as we travel further and further away from when he was remotely sane.

I don't know. My C keeps telling me that I need to set a deadline - for waiting. I don't know how you do that when you're basically on a roller coaster. I am ready to set a deadline when things are crappy, but when I see positive movement, thoughts about deadlines kind of fly out the window. Rinse, Repeat. And do it again.

I am fortunate that my H doesn't seem to be as far gone as some on here. He's pretty mixed up ... still quite lost ... but we've moved past the point that I am to blame for everything wrong with his life.

I suppose that there comes a time when you just know ... somewhere inside ... that what you are getting is all you will ever get. I suppose the trick is to recognize that and have the courage to do what is best for you.

[AJM]

but we've moved past the point that I am to blame for everything wrong with his life

You, m'dear are very lucky for that. I'm years past the D and her remarrying and that hasn't seemed to finish yet

Yes, you'll know when you've had enough. I don't recommend walking away before then. Doing so would have a pull on you to want to look back and wonder what if.

It's hard to see a reason why you wouldn't make your needs known when you truly have them. What are your thoughts about that? I know you're giving him time and space, but curious how you think about that?


AJ

[2Times2Many]

It's hard to see a reason why you wouldn't make your needs known when you truly have them. What are your thoughts about that? I know you're giving him time and space, but curious how you think about that?

When H was here over Thanksgiving, I gave him a long letter that was more like a journal entry about what I was feeling, what I needed and how I felt about what he was doing in India.

It spelled out what I needed to rebuild trust, how I felt about the new factory (wished a meteor what hit it) and how I felt about where our R was.

It was during that trip that he said he wanted D, which he later changed his mind about - said that's not what he wants.

Since that time, I have completely backed off with OW talk, R talk, all of that. I've just been happy me who is doing just fine.

He is very well aware of what I need, what I want and how I feel. I keep reminding myself that they hear what we say and we don't have to keep repeating it. And, in his case, he has it in writing and can refresh his memory at any time.

But, I am beginning to think that he thinks the status quo is ok .. that we are friends again and he can keep on doing what he's doing and I'll accept whatever he tosses my way.

I see a few positive signs in re to his feelings toward me, but as far as continuing to pursue his "dream" over there, he is full throttle forward. That means he is there 5 - 6 weeks, home for a week at best, then back over there 5 - 6 weeks, etc.

I could lay down an ultimatum - me or the factory - and I am pretty certain he would choose me, but his resentment would be huge. I don't have an issue with his factory with the exception that he thinks it can run without his presence - which means he is never home. He is very well aware that this life is not what I want.

So, I have made my feelings known. I just think it's time for a reminder and don't know how to do that without doing damage to the small progress we've made or possibly making him run futher back in the tunnel

[BrightFuture]

2T2M, what would your H do before the BD if you would have an emergency like that? I bet he would do the exact same thing. He would ask you if the situation was serious enough for him to come over. If not, he would stay working, right? I know that being in situation like you have now emphasizes this kind of behavior. But, honestly, if your M would solid and loving, you would probably not even second guess his works and actions regarding this. He showed a concern and asked you if you needed him, and this is a big deal. Don’t over think it.

I am on the same boat about the status quo, except my H told me that we were done. But there is no movement to finalize it. So, I’m assuming that he is comfortable where he is. He is also pursuing his dream to live in the other place.

I personally think that you need to give it more time.

I’m glad you are feeling better. I hope you will recover soon. Take care.

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, BF, for bringing that up. Early in our M he would have rushed home, I think. Later, we would have discussed the best thing to do and it probably would have been the same as it turned out this time.

I think you are right. I - maybe a lot of us - tend to look at things differently or with a different emphasis than before BD. To be perfectly honest, his behavior for the past couple of months has been pretty much the same as before OW was in picture. He only started acting weird about a month before I found out about her, though, so he hid things for about 4 months ... he can hide things fairly well when he wants to - just not for long.

I know my h is very comfortable where he is. He has everything he wants at the moment. Life over there, no problems with me over here and businesses running smoothly on both sides of the ocean. How could he not be comfortable? As far as OW, I have no idea where that issue stands. And he is still very secretive about bank and credit card accounts. He talks about his social life over there, but I don't know how much is left out, if you know what I mean.

In the meantime, he thinks - or has convinced himself - that all I do is sit on my butt and watch TV ... that I have no life. He has been here a total of about 25 days, spread over 4 visits, in the past 6 months and he thinks he knows how I live here without him?? He is never here and has no idea how much or what I do or don't do and then has the nerve to tell me I need to GAL. I suspect that he compares my life to his "party" life and thinks mine is lacking because I'm not out every night drinking and carrying on with friends. I wonder who he thinks painted the family room or cleaned up the flower beds at summer's end or re-decorated the guest room he sleeps in or arranged the office Christmas party, etc. etc. etc?

His life before he went to La-La land pretty much consisted of plopping down in front of the tv every night or playing xBox on the weekends (I would watch tv with him in the evenings or go do something on my own during xBox time.) He now thinks that was an awful way to live and apparently still thinks I made him live that way and continue to do so myself. (Yes, at one point he actually tried to make it my fault that he wasted his weekends playing xBox games!) When he is here, it is never long enough to establish that I don't live my life the way I used to when I was actually accommodating him!

I guess in my case, not talking about what I'm doing and trying to be mysterious is not a good approach. He gets no information that would challenge his notion that I have no life and that life back home with me would be boring.

How do I deal with that one??

Sorry for the run-on post. Today is my anniversary and I am more than a little down. Thanks for listening.

2T2M

[2Times2Many]

On a good note ... he did text the following today when talking about our [R] struggles: "I know that I do love you and I wish you a happy anniversary."