I have always tried to live a moral and ethical life. I suppose I had good role models for class, honor, and dignity. I believe my wife even admired those characteristics in me when we were dating.
I apologize for not checking in on the forums more. In some ways nothing has changed and in other ways a lot has changed. First, how things haven't changed:
As far as my W, she doesn't call and almost never emails. She has only stopped by the house twice since the holidays and both were short visits. On one visit she did bring up our relationship, but it is clear she is very far from being better.
On that visit, she came in to the house, sat down on the floor, and started petting the cat. After a few minutes she just started crying. I asked her why she was crying, but she didn't answer. After several minutes of saying nothing, she started talking. She asked me if I no longer want her to visit. She said I must hate her. I told her I care about her. She said I was doing better without her. I told her it was just my new normal. She said I was nothing like the person I am now.
She said she couldn't take things any more and that is why she left. She then went on to list all her complaints and examples of same. I listened and did not defend. I did say how I felt about some things. I said I thought our problems were normal problems. That if she had said things needed to change or she would leave I would have done everything I did last year, without the need for separation and divorce.
I asked her if she was happy now. She said no. I asked her why if I was the cause and she is on her own. She didn't answer. I suggested it was because she was unhappy about something else, something bigger. She asked what that was. I replied that I hoped she knew and was talking to someone.
She then talked about how she sees other women treat their husbands like crap and the husbands still treat them like princesses. I said what she is not seeing is when the husbands respond. Or that things will blow up one day. She said she is a b%^&* and won't tolerate anything anymore. She asked is that someone I want to be with. I said no. I said no one would. She said if she wanted to sleep in a different room and never have sex that I should be okay with that. I said I wasn’t. She added that she didn't think she should ever have to cook and I could do everything for myself. I said I am not interested in a roommate. I wanted a relationship. I said anyone in a relationship would want those things. She said maybe she is just better off alone.
She then said she hated all men. I pointed out I am a man. She then said we were bad for each other. That she didn't want to have this “argument” anymore. I said we were talking and sharing. She said she couldn't take the risk (moving back in). I said she was not the only one taking a risk.
She then mentioned a recent episode of the TV series, How I Met Your Mother. In it, one of the couples was having an argument and the husband brought up how she left him years ago. The wife in the show was upset and thought they had gotten past it. My W said that I would do the same thing. I told her I am not like that. She then tried to provide an example of me bring up the past (the irony was lost on her).
She said her therapist is encouraging her to find a job elsewhere and move out of town. I can’t believe she doesn’t see how that won’t solve her problems because her unhappiness will follow her.
After more examples of how I am a bad person, she abruptly got up and left.
I have really detached. I don't know if one ever completely detaches, but I no longer contact my W by phone or email. I don't drop by her desk at work, but only come to her when I have something work related for her. I have been doing a lot more more (GAL).
After my two week vacation, I really felt like I had emotionally stabilized. It wasn't long before I left for a week of work in Miami. It was a memorable experience. I made friends with a lot of people; I learned a lot of new things; I ate amazing food every night; and I really started to feel alive again. Back home, I still stop by the Irish pub on occasion, where everyone knows my name.
I no longer feel like I am on a roller coaster. I no longer worry about what my W is doing. I feel like that loving feeling has started to fade. My drinking has really tapered off. It is the occasional beer or social drinking, but not to excess.
I have started opening up more to friends about my situation and they have been supportive. Perhaps the biggest thing in all of this has been reconnecting with an old childhood friend around Thanksgiving. She has been a solid sounding board and my biggest supporter. She has been impressed with my devotion, efforts, and growth. Not long ago she confided she was also in the midst of marital strife with her H in a MLC. We have had many conversations about ourselves and relationships where we have been honest, blunt, and supportive. Somewhere along the way, without any intention, a fondness and affection have developed. While we are very far apart geographically, we have found that what we both have wanted and were missing in our relationships is very much the same. Our communications by email and text have increased where we are in touch several times a day and often text for hours each night. I don't know where it is leading, but I enjoy our conversations.
Somewhere along the way, without any intention, a fondness and affection have developed.
You do realize that is is right out of the WAS script, right? "Things" just don't happen all by themselves. You are allowing these feelings to happen. Do not minimize your part in this. You, and you alone, are responsible for your thoughts, words, and deeds.
If you are thinking of exploring this avenue then you need to close the road back home first.
Enough 2x4 clubbing for today.
It was really good to see you post an update...
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Dragon- I agree with Mr. CAS. I can't tell you how many times people are on here desperate to save their marriage, then they "meet someone", and all of a sudden they disappear.
Nothing changed for them, no healing happened, nothing improved, they simply switched their affections somewhere else.
Be very careful, unless you're done with your W. If so, that's fine, but I agree with "closing that door".
Just checking in on you my friend.