Your meet up w/ the young lady sounded great. She sounds like a well rounded woman. That's great she liked your joke.... for me it feels good to make people laugh and share a good laugh.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
I agree AnotherStander that it wont bring me happiness, and that she is very confused. But with how set she is on it, and the fact that we are past the mandatory wait period, and she wants it done so quickly, I have just surrendered and accepted I cannot change the path we are on. If anything, it seems our new R/M would come after the divorce is over, if ever. She is so controlled by her parents, I don't think she would ever go against their wishes and get back with me, so I'm saying the serenity prayer and recognizing it's something I cannot change or control.
She will need to find out in the coming months all of the things you mentioned. That dating is hard, that the allure of bring rid of me will not bring instant happiness. I cannot wait in limbo while she comes to that realization. I moved here to start a family and have a better life, and I will do that with or without her. I would prefer with her, but right now, that is nowhere near on her radar it seems.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Your meet up w/ the young lady sounded great. She sounds like a well rounded woman. That's great she liked your joke.... for me it feels good to make people laugh and share a good laugh.
Thanks Mimi, even if nothing comes of it, it was good practice at asking questions and listening. There weren't any feelings discussed or validation attempts, but I was so much more cognizant of the way I was interacting with her versus on past dates with other women before W. Perfect practice makes perfect.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I guess the other part is, if I can't use logic to talk her out of it, she won't talk to me about what she's feeling, and wants us to only be civil...Where does that leave me on doing anything but surrendering to her wishes? I can't do anything that resembles pursuit. I did include in one email that I attend the Saturday evening church service and she is always welcome to join me if she chooses, but I'll be there regardless. She does not acknowledge the nice things I do.
What is your suggestion to me on what I do to change the situation? She stated on the 23rd that she wanted this done by New Year's so we could both start 2014 fresh. That doesn't sound like someone re-thinking things to me. She is DONE.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
KdoGS, just ask yourself what is best for you, what do you really want right now. Have you healed enough to be able to be present in a new R and not carry baggage from the past?
One caution, let her know you aren't yet D.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
We all have baggage from the past in some form or another. I know what mine centered on and it was my drinking in my last relationship that brought my M down. That is something I know I cannot do in a new relationship, or in my regular life as well.
As far as being able to be present in a new R, I absolutely think I am. As I mentioned, W is alien to me as of late, and starting over with her would be a new R anyway. I know she and I know each other the best, but it would still have to be a new R as we both have changed.
I do intend to let the dental girl know. Our first meetup was sort of a feel each other out to see if we want to get together again. If she had asked, or the conversation had gone that way, I would have told her. We didn't get that deep, and if she's not interested in getting together again, she doesn't really need to know my business. If she does reach out to me to get together again, then I'll have to let her know for sure.
In your opinion, am I trying to find a new horse too quickly after my old horse died? Just to reiterate timeline, back in May of 2013 is when we turned into a sexless marriage, and W withdrew and got really weird. Really our marriage ended back then, BD in September was when we finally reached the residency requirement of being here 6 months. She had checked out emotionally, and physically well before June. A physical relationship is very important to me, touch is my LL. It's been 8-9 months since I was even able to last cuddle with W, which was one of my favorite things to do. I miss having the physical closeness with someone.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Part of the work here is to be able to leave that baggage behind as much as we can. That includes being OK with yourself and not rushing into things just to make us feel better.
You've had a history with that kind of stuff and are writing an amends letter because of it.
Did you meet the date on a dating site? If so, what did you put as your R status? Are you going into this R, no matter how casual, honestly, respectfully?
Who is KdoGS?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I guess the other part is, if I can't use logic to talk her out of it, she won't talk to me about what she's feeling, and wants us to only be civil...Where does that leave me on doing anything but surrendering to her wishes?
I think you've clarified in your last few posts that you're in the right place- your W wants the D and even though you don't you're not standing in the way of it. I just wanted to point out that while your W thinks D is the answer, it really isn't. But she is going to have to find that out on her own. Unless you've decided you want D, don't push for it. Let her take care of it. Even though she's talking like she wants it done ASAP, don't be surprised if she just leaves it to simmer on the back burner, WAS's often do that.
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I can't do anything that resembles pursuit. I did include in one email that I attend the Saturday evening church service and she is always welcome to join me if she chooses, but I'll be there regardless.
That is the right approach to take- tell her she's welcome to join you but you go regardless. If she chooses not to go, well that's her choice but you're moving on in life whether she participates or not.
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She does not acknowledge the nice things I do.
I know how much it hurts (from personal experience) when you're used to getting validation and suddenly you're getting none, it's tough for the self-esteem. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? It helped me to understand why I was seeking validation from my wife and others, how unhealthy it was, and how to change that pattern. You need to get to a place where you see the value in yourself and you do things not to receive validation from others, but because you want to or because morally it's the right thing to do.
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What is your suggestion to me on what I do to change the situation? She stated on the 23rd that she wanted this done by New Year's so we could both start 2014 fresh. That doesn't sound like someone re-thinking things to me. She is DONE.
You can't change her, only she can change her. You may be right in that she has to be D'd before she can even start her journey to recovery. My W was totally and completely DONE too, then 6 months after BD she suddenly did a 180 and signed us up for RetroV, started talking about getting back together and what that would look like. Unfortunately she reversed course again soon after, but my point is that the WAS will often say they are DONE DONE DONE day in and day out and then have a turnaround practically overnight. Unfortunately the LBS has often moved on by then because they heard that word "done" so much that they believed it would always be that way.
Did you meet the date on a dating site? If so, what did you put as your R status? Are you going into this R, no matter how casual, honestly, respectfully?
Who is KdoGS?
We did meet on a social site called okcupid, it's not strictly for dating. I have what I'm looking for as "friends" and the other options include short term dating, long term dating and casual sex. The law here states after 60 days of filing, it's permissible to date while the divorce is being finalized. I don't feel meeting up for coffee is adultery, but I would definitely have to disclose more information if she indeed wants to meet up again.
As far as who I am, I am a recovered alcoholic who brings a lot to the table in my friendships and relationships. I am a cook, a father to a wonderful furry daughter named Kahlua who I treat like my child. I am there for my friends and family when they need me. I am financially responsible and care for myself. I am kind to others, and listen when people talk. I try to take interest in whatever they want to talk about, even if it's not something I have a clue about. For example, I just got a haircut, and the woman and I could not have been less alike. But she mentioned being in school, so I got her talking about her future career designing role playing video games. I am spiritual and have morals and beliefs. I know that there are things I cannot control, and I have made a conscious decision to turn most of my problems over to my Higher Power, because parts of my life are unmanageable by myself.
I moved to this city and left my old job to have time for family. To have a better work life balance. To start and raise a family. None of those goals have changed. The person I may have to achieve those goals with has changed, but the goals remain. That is who KdogGS is. I'm not saying this will always be who I am, we all change over time. But I plan to do nothing but mature as a person and become the best KdogGS I can possibly be.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Thanks for clarifying all of your thoughts AnotherStander. I usually get emails from W on Monday's when she is off of work, about the next step she wants to take. So I would imagine tomorrow or this evening I will get some kind of gauge on how fast or slow she wants to move now.
The iron was very hot before Christmas, but since the New Year, only an unexpected birthday wish and when she will be by to get the hard drive. It seems to me like she thinks I already have her divorce proposal, so that may be why there is little contact. My attorney has not yet received the paperwork so I haven't even seen what she sent.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
