I guess the other part is, if I can't use logic to talk her out of it, she won't talk to me about what she's feeling, and wants us to only be civil...Where does that leave me on doing anything but surrendering to her wishes?
I think you've clarified in your last few posts that you're in the right place- your W wants the D and even though you don't you're not standing in the way of it. I just wanted to point out that while your W thinks D is the answer, it really isn't. But she is going to have to find that out on her own. Unless you've decided you want D, don't push for it. Let her take care of it. Even though she's talking like she wants it done ASAP, don't be surprised if she just leaves it to simmer on the back burner, WAS's often do that.
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I can't do anything that resembles pursuit. I did include in one email that I attend the Saturday evening church service and she is always welcome to join me if she chooses, but I'll be there regardless.
That is the right approach to take- tell her she's welcome to join you but you go regardless. If she chooses not to go, well that's her choice but you're moving on in life whether she participates or not.
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She does not acknowledge the nice things I do.
I know how much it hurts (from personal experience) when you're used to getting validation and suddenly you're getting none, it's tough for the self-esteem. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? It helped me to understand why I was seeking validation from my wife and others, how unhealthy it was, and how to change that pattern. You need to get to a place where you see the value in yourself and you do things not to receive validation from others, but because you want to or because morally it's the right thing to do.
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What is your suggestion to me on what I do to change the situation? She stated on the 23rd that she wanted this done by New Year's so we could both start 2014 fresh. That doesn't sound like someone re-thinking things to me. She is DONE.
You can't change her, only she can change her. You may be right in that she has to be D'd before she can even start her journey to recovery. My W was totally and completely DONE too, then 6 months after BD she suddenly did a 180 and signed us up for RetroV, started talking about getting back together and what that would look like. Unfortunately she reversed course again soon after, but my point is that the WAS will often say they are DONE DONE DONE day in and day out and then have a turnaround practically overnight. Unfortunately the LBS has often moved on by then because they heard that word "done" so much that they believed it would always be that way.
