A lot has gone on in the past month (compared to the previous 5 months of separation). From the onset, I gave myself a mental deadline of 6 months since I thought he likely got a six month lease when he moved out.
Well, I found out that my husband had moved in with OW to a northern state that is so cold right now that the current daytime high tempartures are in the negative #s now...and he hates cold weather. :-(
In any event, in mid December I found out that he tried to take a home equity loan. For some reason, all his mail is still coming to the house (b/c I guess he doesn't want me to track down the forwarding address). I called the bank and told them the deed is under my name and not to approve the loan. I also see that he's increased credit and had credit increases denied on other accounts. So, money must be a concern.
Also, I received a notice from my doctor's office that claim was denied because my medical coverage was terminated. This put me into a panic. For the first time in almost 6 months, I asked husband to call me and told him it was urgent. I thought perhaps he was fired and didn't want to tell me (b/c his coverage was also terminated). That wasn't the case. Our medical coverage switched to a different provider.
Nonetheless, I contacted our HR director and asked her to add me to my own company's policy for 2014. I also opened up a new checking account (and took my money out of our joint account).
This shocked husband and made him want to call me for the first time since he left almost six months ago.
We talked and had a decent phone conversation, but I was on the verge of tears, and came across much more sad then I intended. I couldn't help it, though, I was emotional.
I thought we'd continue talking but no more contact from husband.
For the first time ever, I saw that he took money out of the ATM in the OW's home state - the weekend before Christmas. My heart sank because I realized husband moved in with OW. I think he's been living with her for several months now.
That info put me into a tailspin.
I wrote him an email that I'm ready for a new beginning in 2014 and if he is still feeling lost, I am done. Didn't hear anything back from husband.
I sent him another email. His company has the week before Christmas and New Year's Eve off and I had this same time off work. So, I wrote that let's talk during this time and figure out a way to end things amicably (since I never heard back from him on my earlier email).
He sent me a "Merry Christmas" text. I replied with "Merry Christams". Later that evening, I sent a text to ask when we can talk to end things amicably during the next week. He said he could talk tomorrow or Friday but that he's getting drunk right now. I texted him back that I'll call him tomorrow at 3pm. He never answered the call the next day.
I sent him a text that I just tried calling him. Told him in that text that I don't want him back, that I just want to move on with my life ASAP.
No contact from husband for several days.
I went to go see an attorney right before the end of the year. The attorney got me all riled up. He told me why in the world am I putting up with this s@#t?! Even though my husband didn't have a lot of money in his checking account, he told me to withdraw half of it since it's the end of the month and the payments should have been allocated by now. He said his a@@ needs a "wake up call".
So, I sent a text to my husband that I went to see an attorney. He was shocked. He said we don't need to see an attorney. We just need to agree on terms, we have no kids nor a lot of assets, so it shouldn't be an issue. My heart sank...
Husband sends me a text that he got an alert from his bank that money was withdrawn and asked if I knew about it.
I replied to his text and told him my attorney advised me to take the money out. He said that wasn't nice and to deposit it back tomorrow.
I told him treating me like S%#T for the past six months wasn't very nice, wouldn't you say???
Husband calls me on the phone (second phone conversation in almost six months)
Tells me he's at a football game, can't talk, but re-iterates we don't need an attorney. He said we need to talk & there are some very easy ways to do this and he's looked at a bunch of legal stuff and wants us to figure this all between us - not an attorney.
Then, we started talking...
He said sometimes things happen that we don't understand. Neither of us will feel good coming out of this. He said neither of us felt good for a long time in our marriage. I said then we should have figured things out between us. You don't use OW and alcohol as a "band-aid". He said he wasn't using either as a band-aid. He said he needed to find himself...and hit rock bottom. I had my path, he did the same thing in his own way. I told him his path is "within" himself...and wherever he goes, that's where he is.
I started crying and saying he kept in touch with OW this whole time, saw her, started living with her and didn't keep in contact with me and hasn't seen me since June.
Then he started talking about attorney and asked what he needs to do at this point. I asked him have you definitely decided we're done, you want a divorce and want to live happily after with her?
He said I'm done and will live as a single man for the rest of my foreseeable future. Then he talked about all the emails and texts I've sent him about divorce, not wanting him back, etc.
Then I told him my internal time frae was the end of the year. He said it's not the end of the year yet. Well, I told him it's one day before the end of the year....
He had to go back to his football game and said let's talk on Thursday, after NYE.
On NYE day, I went to go talk to a life coach that I saw many years ago that comes from a very spiritual perspective. I told her my whole story and she said she uses a radical approach...and said she's going to be brutally honest with me...
We looked at my fears of losing my husband...how my insecurity and jealousy throughout the relationship caused me to push love away in order to protect myself...and how I became this obsessed, jealous woman and how my subconscious "intentions" or negative thoughts 24/7 eventually became my life and manifested where I am today.
We looked at my fears and the opposite of all those fears as well as my husband's positive aspects.
When I talked to my husband on Thursday, it was a completely different type of conversation. I told him I went to see this life coach and she made me realize I need to be authentic with myself and face the truth of my involvement and take 100% responsibility for my cause in the breakdown of our marriage. Then I told husband about my fears of losing him and how it made me into a jealous, obsessed woman and how he eventually found in OW what I stopped giving him. I was no longer my authentic self nor the woman he fell in love with and married.
His barriers went down and I could tell he was being receptive.
Then I told him all the positive aspects about him that I loved and how I enjoyed all the fun times we've shared and how I miss that.
The rest of the conversation went well, although he was still not being completely honest himself. He didn't himself tell me he's living with the other woman out of state.
He then had to jump on a conference call (or so he said). So, we had a one hour conversation. He said he'll call me tomorrow or send me a text.
That same evening (Thursday night) he sent me a text that we had a great conversation and need to talk more and more. He also wrote it seems to make sense to file our taxes jointly, don't you think?
I replied that I thought we had a great conversation as well and am looking forward to more heartfelt and honest communication. And that yes, it makes sense to file our taxes jointly.
I never got a text or call from him on Friday. I guess he considered the follow up email on Thursday night his reply?
On Saturday I sent him a quick email about some great news about my brother in law. I didn't mention anything about us in the email. Just wanted to share some really exciting news with him.
I never heard back from husband and don't know when he's going to contact me again.
One thing he mentioned during our phone conversation is that he's not so sure I can change that easily. I told him I have fears about him as well. He said infidelity is not something that should be tolerated and that it can't be. He said it comes back to something even more fundamental than that, trust. Then he went on to say that any relationship can not work without trust.
So, while he's telling me that the most important thing in a relationship is trust....he still has not disclosed that he's living with OW and being totally truthful with me....
Maybe that's why he hasn't responded to my email because I said I'm looking forward to more honest and heart-felt communication. He knows he's not being fully honest with me...
I guess it's a good start down the right path. Maybe I shouldn't expect too much, too soon? Take a deep breath and be hopeful that things may start to slowly improve? Any advice from the vets on here? :-)
