You are very encouraging. I know I need to lovingly detach from her.
I am having a tough time. It seems that in the past I was able to detach and I focused on myself and the kids. For some reason the holidays are throwing me for a loop... Also W hiring a Lawyer and pushing an agreement on the splitting of assets is like BD all over again.
I know I need to keep hope. This is testing my faith like nothing else...
Groov
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
New year, new you? FYI, I am still feeling great! I know I mentioned before that you need to force yourself to do things for you...and I still mean that. But I was thinking about it as my new, happy, outlook on things in my R has lasted for days instead of minutes. I was thinking that I didn't really DO anything. I just had a shift in thinking that was a result of being through the worst and healing over time. It will happen to you too. One day, when you least expect it. My shift in perspective is merely the end of being afraid of my R not working out. It is ok if you are not yet fine with that but when you are, you will know...it is just part of the process. I pray for you and in this New Year, my prayer is this:
Lord, may you place peace in the heart of Groov. May you bless him with the peace that will take his pain away. May his heart be filled with the knowing that your will is being done and that a miracle in his life will surely happen once his heart is unblocked and free. This miracle can happen and will happen when Groov can honestly let go of the fear he has now in his heart and make room only, ONLY for love. Thank you.
Take care Groov!!! Happy New Year!
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
I came across this and thought is would help you out
Quote:
In this humble man's, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"! _________________________
Love your caring thoughts and prayers. I am taking the advice to heart. Focusing on faith and love instead of the fear is really working for me.
Kate, I found the LRT post early on in my sitch, I love it and needed the reminder that. Freeing myself from dependancy is really the key to finding my happiness and also becoming a magnet for all sorts of good!
Thanks guys, Need this!
Groov
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
funny you should mention that fear thing...I was just posting this link on another thread. It is a clip of Marianne Williamson on Oprah (yes, I am a big Oprah fan kinda chick!!) she is discussing the principle of miracles that can happen when love is chosen over fear. Its just a clip, but the whole episode is really good!
Thanks for posting that Groov! What a great article and attitude! It would be interesting to have some background and know how this person knew just what to do in this situation! I wish I were that smart!! Well, sounds like she GAL if you ask me and that is what I am doing too!
HOW are you doing?
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
Happy New Year!