melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[labug]

Welcome back! I'm so glad to read you had a honeymoon with your kids. When you're with them dayin-dayout it's essential to get out of that rut and really see them, hear them, feel them.

This will be short...I think.

First, you're scorekeeping. It keeps you stuck in the victim mode. The tit-for-tat power struggles, even now in your head, keep you in the one down position and fuel your resentment.

The only difference is, only one of us sees our own transgressions.

Do you know this to be true? Has he shown you in the past that he has no moral compass? If not, let it go. It doesn't help you.

R are not all good or all bad, people are not all good or all bad, there is a gray area in the middle where we can live.

But perhaps under that anger, is really the hurt that I feel close to him and get hopeful when we ML, and then he drops me like a hot potato (as UD so kindly pointed out. wink ) So perhaps vulnerability is the way to go.

There's always something under the anger, anger is protective and it's that soft spot of vulnerability that you're protecting. Maybe your IC can help you with this piece.

Do I just set the boundary and be done with it? I feel like that is making assumptions about how he feels or what his intentions are. Or do I ask him his thoughts . . . what does ML mean to him? And then either immediately set the boundary, or take some time to think about what he sa
id.

This isn't about his thoughts, it's about your needs and you have every right to express it. No one likes it when boundaries are set with them, that's just the way it is. You're not asking that he like it, only that he respect it.

Betsey's statement of the boundary was a beautiful, clean, non-punitive statement. You might be confusing boundaries with ultimatums. There are some great books out there on boundary setting. It might be helpful to read more until you feel comfortable.

Whatever you do, don't set a boundary you are unwilling or unable to hold.

I couldn't find the quote but somewhere you said you were afraid your sex boundary would push him further away. AS I said earlier, boundaries help us determine who we want to keep around us, to let in. And if it pushes him further away now, you still don't know what will happen 6 months out. Protect you.

BD spew-we all do it, both sides of the fence. I said a lot of things for the first couple of weeks that I'm ashamed of and don't want to be accountable for.

Sometimes we just have to have a little grace.

Write all that stuff out in a journal, all the things he said that hurt you and then burn it. Close the chapter on it. It's over and done but your mind is keeping it alive. You don't have to listen to it.

About logistics, figure it out, open that conversation with him. (don't go to him with a plan already put together)

You can do this.