Barrybran II - Six Weeks In

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

My run of good days with my wife may have ended. Tonight, she went to bed, did more reading and quizzed me about my infidelities. No problem with that. I messed up and I have to face the music. It's hard though. I'm not writing this looking for sympathy but to express my thoughts and feelings in a safe place so I don't say something stupid to my wife. I'm currently feeling upset that my wife has gone to sleep angry and upset while also frustrated because I'm trying to answer my wife's questions in the best way possible. I found it extremely hard to validate tonight knowing she was asking about a specific time frame and our recent discussions have unearthed that we've had problems throughout our relationship.

My infidelities occurred just 4.5 months after we got married. I'm an arsehole, I know. My wife has let me know and I believe it myself. This was the time she was focused on tonight. Our problems however trace back to when we first started seeing problems in our relationship back in January 2011, 18 months before we married and two years before my infidelities.

I feel for my wife because she deserves better. In saying that, I am that better. This isn't me blowing smoke up my own rear end but knowing who my wife is and bring prepared to learn who my wife will become. It also means becoming a better version of me, someone my wife CAN love instead of who she thought she loved. I'm a different person than I was 12 months ago and I'm even a different person to who I was six weeks ago. I know it's a marathon and I know my wife will have bad patches but tonight was the first time I didn't know how to deal with things.

I've always been a big picture guy. Since coming to this site I discovered that while my infidelities were selfish and hurtful, I also discovered that it was a symptom to bigger problems. I hope this makes sense because I understand it very well. My problem was that I didn't understand my wife, didn't take the time to try to understand my wife and I neglected her needs. All of this preceded her neglecting my needs and all of this preceded my cheating. It may be illogical or unthoughtful to some to think this way but I'm a cause and effect person; if I treat my wife this way she will respond that way. Show her love and she shows me love. Show her selfishness and her love is withdrawn. That's what happened.

I feel that all of the past two years is one big puzzle that fits together. To focus only my infidelities, while perfectly understandable, is to focus on a small part of the problem. By no means am I saying my cheating is insignificant, just that it's part of something bigger. I know my wife will look at my infidelities as an individual item. She has that right and she is right. It is the part that stings the most to her. And it is stinging me now that I can't answer her questions in an appropriate way. I feel that the bigger picture explains the little one and yet my opinion right now is not important.

My wife will wake up angry tomorrow and she has a full day of work ahead of her. I hate that she has to go through that and this situation. I know I have to just stay the path, be patient, answer her questions and show her I'm worth building a new relationship with. I hope I figure out how to answer her questions in a way that makes sense to her without glossing over the reasons that got us there. I don't know how I'll do that but I'll just see how the next couple of days go.

Vent over.

I really want my wife to have a good day tomorrow. Thank you for reading this.