Thanks to all of you who encouraged me to go on this vacation with my kids, even though my H declined to join us. I go to IC, read books, think of my own, etc., but I really feel like this board has been the most helpful thing I have participated in. I knew (mainly bc of what I have learned here) that I was NOT going to let my fears or sadness surrounding this vacation make me cancel it - but what I did not know is how grateful I would be that I went on my own.
I think this week has been a great opportunity for me to reflect on my sitch, to grow, to move forward, to become more independent and confident, and to be with great friends who love me. (I also had a great time running at sea level - holy cow. It was like, running was actually fun, and I could go fast! It will be a bummer to go back to running at altitude tomorrow.)
But most of all, this trip gave me the gift of falling in love with my kids again.
I am ashamed to admit it, but my kids took a back seat for a while after BD. I have been a SAHM and in retrospect, I probably gave more time and attention than I should have to them, to the detriment of my M. So when my H BD'd, I almost felt resentful - like, I spent the last 9 years being a SAHM, and now my M is trashed, and to top it all off, Daddy became some sort of hero when he told the kids he was moving out. On top of all that, I had my own crazy emotions to deal with, which left me with not enough to give to them.
I have been slowly getting back to where I want to be with them, but this week has been awesome, and I feel like we are back on track and I am back to being an awesome Mom. I loved spending 24/7 with them, and quite frankly, I am kind of depressed at the thought of going home, where I have to hand them off to H two nights a week.
Here is another thing this trip gave me: It made me see that just because I can't see something now, doesn't mean it's not possible. I seriously wanted to cancel the trip. It's what the old me would have done - must avoid any kind of discomfort at all costs. I really didn't think that it would be a success. I thought it would be hard, I would have to do all these things I was afraid to do - I even was thinking I needed to set aside time each day to cry on my own, because it was going to be so horrible. Ha! It has been great. I have gotten choked up a few times but really not even about my H. And I moved past them quickly. None of my fears around this trip came to be. (labug, it made me think of you - how right you are.)
It has also been nice to not have to talk to H at all for a week. We had one text exchange, and it just reminded me of how annoying and passive he is sometimes.
H: When are you guys getting back? M: Late Sunday afternoon. H: Hmmm. Ok. Any chance I could have the kids over Sunday night or will that be too late? M: I think that will be too crazy for them and for me. I would prefer not to do that. H: Ok. Let's try for some night soon, though
Ugggghhhh! Am I overreacting or is this annoying? It is so "more of the same" from him. Passive, passive, passive. Now it's like, the ball is in my court. Well, I won't pick it up. Because if I do, then he can blame me for whatever it is that happens that he doesn't like. Yuck. It has been nice not dealing with this for a week.
Sadly, I have to go back to reality. I have some projects I have to work on, and I definitely need to get back into my workout routine. I think I need to set up a schedule with my H as far as who has the kids when - I am tired of these constant conversations about logistics - they always put a damper on my PMA. I despise sharing the kids to begin with, and then to have to discuss it every other day. Blech.
Any thoughts on how to bring that up in a kind, non-blaming sort of way would be appreciated.
I think I have more to write, but after a long, fun day at Disney, my eyes need to close!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
