I have a daughter who is 19 and she is very angry with her dad too.
Ultimately, and as sh!tty as it may be, they have to feel the hard stuff in order to move through it. I did the same thing with our D11 for awhile where I would deny I was having a hard time.
She is very sensitive to my feelings and when she sensed I was sad, she would ask, "Are you OK Mom?" I would always say, "I'm fine." Until... I realized that I was denying her the truth. I wasn't fine. I was mad as he!!, sad, depressed, anxious...fill in the blank.
So, I changed my tune. If I was sad, I'd say, "I'm feeling sad at this moment. This stuff with dad is sad stuff we are dealing with and I need to feel it in order to feel better. I WILL feel better, but for this minute, yes, I'm sad."
It's seemed to help. She has been working on expressing her own feelings now too.
This isn't what we wanted for our kids. No mother wants to see their kids suffer--especially because of decisions their dad has made--but, this is life. Life is hard sometimes and I'm realizing how my kids are learning really valuable lessons. They are learning how to feel bad stuff and be OK.
I think counseling for her is a no brainer. If she is hurting herself, then, she must have some sort of help. Her dad has the right to know this. Maybe, there are feelings you need to face too?? You mentioned you have been stoic too. Maybe she needs to see you break down your walls some and really face the pain that comes up.
I don't know your situation so forgive me if I'm way off base. Just know you aren't alone. My D19 was in a very dark place one year ago. She is thriving now. There is always hope.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
