I don't want to lie to her about my situation if that comes up somehow, that wouldn't be a good start.
She doesn't know you're married? That is something you need to disclose to her ASAP. Some women are EXTREMELY put off by going out with a married man no matter what the sitch is. I learned this pretty quickly when I started dating. It's a lot better to get that out there right away before even starting to converse with someone. If you're posting profiles on dating sites, put it right in your profile. Some women won't care but others care a LOT.
Quote:
I have accepted that my WAW thinks this is the only way she can be happy, so I'll give her the divorce she needs to be happy.
Hard to tell at this point, your sitch is still really young. You're not even 4 months into it.
I don't want to lie to her about my situation if that comes up somehow, that wouldn't be a good start.
She doesn't know you're married? That is something you need to disclose to her ASAP. Some women are EXTREMELY put off by going out with a married man no matter what the sitch is. I learned this pretty quickly when I started dating. It's a lot better to get that out there right away before even starting to converse with someone. If you're posting profiles on dating sites, put it right in your profile. Some women won't care but others care a LOT. Thanks, I'll let her know while we're having coffee
Quote:
I have accepted that my WAW thinks this is the only way she can be happy, so I'll give her the divorce she needs to be happy.
Hard to tell at this point, your sitch is still really young. You're not even 4 months into it. WAW stated in an email that she wants the process to move as quickly as possible so she can move on and continue healing, so I'm not coming up with this on my own. She has stated that's what she needs
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Tell her that you are just awaiting the final filing, judge's signature, etc.
You impress me, K... Have fun tonight.
Thanks MrCas, I adopted your credo and what a difference it's made! I've decided to go with something like - "I do believe trust and honesty and really important so I need to let you know that I'm currently finalizing a divorce. I wanted you to have all the facts so you could decide if you wanted to spend your valuable time getting to know me in the future."
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I agree with Labug, don't go into details of past/hurts events. Just make a general apology for any behaviors or actions that may have been embarrassing etc...
I'm also wondering if maybe you should let them know in the letter that the letter is a step in your recovery, nothing more nothing less? As they may think it's something you're doing because of your sitch...so I think intent should be made clear.
Thanks Mimi, I will preface the whole letter with letting them know this is part of the recovery process and that is all it is meant to do. I'll be back here for thumbs up or down when I come up with the drafts for those and will value your input on them, as I have valued your thoughts and of course those of others all along.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I think the other part I have come to realize in all this is W is alien to me right now. I'm not sure if I would want to date her as she currently is. She used to be so loving, giving and generous. I feel like I closed her spirit, and it's yet to reopen. Of course that's my perception, no way to know if she's still treating other's in her old way.
But my sister said something interesting when she was visiting. When my W sent her a facebook message explaining why she was unfriending my sister, W stated that my sister should not respond if it was going to be mean. My sister interpreted this as W thinks that no one else's feelings matter in this situation but W's and I tend to agree. W has sort of becoming controlling in that regard. It's ok for her to express her feelings, but if I do I get 2X4'ed. She definitely did not validate any of my feelings. My sister has feelings as well, and W basically dumped her thoughts on my sister and told her not to respond.
Anyway, I feel like I am at a point (today anyway), where I know I can meet new quality people and be happy either way. If W were to have a change of heart, I almost feel like she would have to win me back to an extent too. I know I have done the work on myself. I would want to hear from her how things were going to be different in a new R/M if we were to reconcile.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
My W dumped on my sister on FB, too. Every time W tried to make fantasyland statements and thoughts, my sister countered it with reality.
The transcript was really quite telling of my W's POV and where her thoughts are.
You know what? I don't care. I worry about where my thoughts are. I worry about what my actions do and how the play into real life. My circle of concern has grown smaller and my circle of influence has grown to be more refined.
Keep your eyes and focus out in front of you.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Kdog, I agree with what you posted. I wonder if my W and I have anything left to enjoy. I've continued to write and refine an email to here explaining how I feel. I leave it in my drafts in with no TO address. that way it'll never accidentally go anywhere.
She's self absorbed. Walked away from me and the kids, checked out and lived like a house guest for the past 12-18 months and piled on a mountain of debt to indulge in her horses. I feel like she'd also have to tell me what would change. right now, I am doing my work. I guess I shouldn't worry about her's. Still sometimes....ugh
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
After meeting up with the dental student, it just confirmed for me that I am a catch and that I have self-worth. We showed up to a coffee shop that had closed, so we audibled to Starbucks. She told me if I wanted to get the hell out, the drive over to Starbucks was my chance. HA! A sense of humor from the moment we met. She absolutely loved my 10th dentist joke, and spent a lot of our conversation smiling and laughing.
She's very family oriented and does live at home with her parents while in school, but seems much more autonomous than my W. She was very well spoken and very intelligent. She also was a college athlete. Conversation was pretty effortless and we didn't have any awkward pauses. For a random internet date, I think it went pretty well. We talked for an hour and a half. I mostly just asked her questions and listened, we never got into anything too deep.
I didn't feel there was any opportunity to bring up my current situation, she never really asked why I moved to this city or anything, I think I did a good job asking a lot about her so she did most of the talking. I did practice repeating back summaries of what she said to make sure I heard her correctly.
I left my phone and watch in the car so I wouldn't check either of them. I really focused on eye contact and smiling. I think it went really well. At first she avoided eye contact with me, but toward the end that went away. We talked for over an hour and a half, it was pretty reassuring. I did tell her I no longer drink, but have no problem going out where people are drinking. As we parted she gave me a hug. If anything, we might be good friends, which would be one more friend in this city than I have now.
This solidified my thoughts on W having to actually compete for me to an extent. There are plenty of eligible career and family oriented women out there that will be interested in me. I feel in my heart that with the changes I have made, that W is being a fool to leave.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
WAW stated in an email that she wants the process to move as quickly as possible so she can move on and continue healing, so I'm not coming up with this on my own. She has stated that's what she needs
Oh I know you're not coming up with it. You're familiar with Sandi's rules, correct? Don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do? That's because early in the sitch they're confused and in turmoil. Whatever they say is a product of that confusion, my W said things to me that a day or two later she didn't even remember saying. This is your quote that I was responding to:
"I have accepted that my WAW thinks this is the only way she can be happy, so I'll give her the divorce she needs to be happy."
The D is not going to make her happy. Sure she may think it will, but it won't. Have you read DR? Whether or not you have, reread this blurb from chapter 1 and ask yourself if D is really going to bring you and your W happiness:
The divorce trap seduces over one million people each year. It promises peace and tranquility. It offers a fresh start, a second chance at romance, contentment, and self-discovery. It lures people into its grip by offering assurances that walking out the door can eliminate life's seemingly insurmountable problems. When you're desperately unhappy, these so-called guarantees are hard to resist. But there are good reasons for doing so. If you or someone you love is contemplating divorce you will want to know what I have learned about the truth about divorce.
In my work, I've had a bird's eye view of what happens in people's lives after divorce. I have seen the intense pain and despair that lingers for years. I have seen times when every birthday, holiday, or other causes for celebration have been nothing more but painful reminders of a divorce. I have seen the triggering of unpredictable, hurtful events such the total rejection by the children of the parent seeking the divorce. I have known children who, even after many years following the divorce and after their parents' subsequent marriages, still want to know if mom and dad will ever get back together.
Now, after three decades of our social experiment with rampant divorce and disposal marriages, I know it isn't a matter of people keeping their marriages together because they can, it's a matter of people making their marriages work because they should. Divorce stinks! Why? Recent findings about the long-term effects of divorce speak for themselves.
* Except in very extreme conflict-ridden families- and most families do not fit this criterion- children are better off when their parents stay married.
* Children are more likely to finish school and avoid problems such as teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, and delinquent behavior. Plus, they are more likely to have good marriages themselves.
* Even if a parent is happier as a result of divorce, there is no "trickle down effect." Children still struggle emotionally regardless of how the parent feels.
* Married men make better fathers. They are more likely to provide guidance, role modeling, and financial support.
* Marriage is good for most adults. As compared to single, widowed or divorced people, married people are healthier, have better sex lives, they engage in fewer high-risk activities such as substance abuse, they live longer and they are happier!
* Depression is almost three times as prevalent in women who divorce once, and four times as prevalent in women who divorce twice than in women who have never divorced.
* A random sample of over 8,600 adults revealed the percentages of those who felt lonely. The results are as follows. Marital status and % reporting loneliness:
Married- 4.6
Never Married- 14.5
Divorced 20.4
Widowed- 20.6
Separated- 29.6 (Page and Cole)
* Those in healthy marriages tend to be better, more productive employees. Married men miss work less often.
* Divorce increases the cost of many public health and social service programs. Single-parent households often mean children are raised in poverty or on public aid.
* A single mother's standard of living almost always decreases significantly after divorce.
* As compared to 50% of first marriages that end in divorce, 60% of second marriages end in divorce.
Many people considering divorce say they wish they could have a crystal ball that would allow them to see into the future. Actually, the crystal ball is here for the taking. Research has enabled us to be "clairvoyant." But many people choose to ignore or discount the facts because they've been hoodwinked into believing that divorce provides answers to an unhappy marriage. But how are myths about divorce being perpetuated?
The divorce trap is a powerful conspiracy that is invisible to the naked eye. Like carbon monoxide, the odorless killer, the divorce trap is an insidious influence, invading your thoughts without your knowing it.
Obviously you can't stop your W from pursuing D, but don't fall into the trap of thinking it's a good thing or that it will bring either of you happiness.
