melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[melissag]

I realized that I have been posting a lot of negative stuff lately. My H is a douche. I feel like I am being used, etc.

So maybe answering 2S2Q's question can help me focus on the positive. '

Please do tell us what you've been up to. What did you do that made you nervous but happy you did it?

This would be a very long list to type out here. I mean seriously, I was to a point where I would find some fear in every last thing I did - whether it be that something awful would happen to someone, or I would be embarrassed, or not good enough, or whatever it was. (Let me illustrate how out of control it was - I wouldn't take the highway after a certain time of night on the weekends because I was sure there were drunk drivers, and if we got hit by one of them going freeway speed, we would be more likely to die.) Yes, you may laugh at me, I do all the time.

So I will just toss out a few examples.

• I started practicing yoga - even though I am uncoordinated and have a balance disorder.
• I started kickboxing - even though I was sure I would die of a heart attack if I exercised that vigorously.
• I started running - even though I am terrible at it.
• I I have spent time (sans kids) with my SMIL and FIL, as well as my SSIL, XSMIL, two BILs, and SIL (all on H's side) and went into it with an open mind and open heart - even though I was sure they hated me and it would be awful.
• I said "no" to an organization I volunteer for, when they wanted me to use my family time at an event to procure auction items for them - even though I was afraid they would be mad.
• I went indoor skydiving - even though I was sure it would be super scary and I would probably crap my pants.
• A huge one - I came on this week long trip (planned pre-BD) even though my H bailed on it, and even though I was sure I could not drive the rental car around SoCal, take two kids for a week solo without being exhausted, keep it together emotionally, or have any fun whatsoever. (More on that later - best trip ever.)
• I have taken advantage of my improved physical fitness/appearance and worn tight fitting dresses - even though I was sure I would look like a skank, or somehow inappropriate.

Things I need to work on (I am sure there are more, these are the two big ones at the moment):

• Being upfront with my H and setting boundaries to protect myself - even though I am afraid that he will view it as me being a bully, and I will drive him even farther away;
• Telling people H and I are S - even though I am sure that telling people will make it actually be real (ha!) and that I will be mortified and ashamed and they will think less of me.
• Allowing myself to believe that I really would be OK if H and I get D - even though right now I am so fearful of this that I hate even letting the word come out of my mouth.

2S2Q, thank you for asking that question. It feels good to get some of that out, and helps to clarify a few things in my mind, too.