wife moved to.parents house last week scared

[paul19510]

I saw W last night when she dropped D13 off for the night before returning to neighbor's house for the night. Small things happened. She called me to say she was coming (maybe something maybe nothing...Aren't we supposed to look for small changes first...She previously didn't answers texts and now does...she previously had not called to drop off and now did) she had previously just shown up and dropped off.

Also, she asked if I had gotten a 2nd extension cord for our barn when I purchased one on new years day for her. I said no. she told me she still needed one. I handled this by purchasing one early today and placing it at barn before I knew she would be there. This avoided contact when not needed. to 3's point above, space and time are asked for at this point. I felt that fulfilling my promise but doing it quietly behind the scenes was a good idea.

I also have a nagging feeling to go help her with chores at the barn this morning due to the very low temps (its -5 here today), but I realized if she wanted me to be there, she'd have asked me to come over. Am I getting this?

My DB coach had previously said that many WAS need to realize that they can or cannot DO for themselves (at least from her impression of my wife's reason for Walking away) when they feel that they are not good enough. These "I'm not making anybody happy" feelings are common in WAS. Helping her will only fuel the resentment and give the impression that I THINK that she cannot help herself.

Staying clear of her and going about my day instead of being a fixer and pleaser is my 180 for today. Besides, I have a house to take care of and 3 kids (one with a cold and fever)to keep up with. she's not asking me if I need anything with that.

She does not want to be together right now and I should not insert myself. The fact that she may not tell me to leave if I showed up to help is not the same as actually inviting me to come over. Can I get an amen?? LOL thoughts??

[paul19510]

journaling: my weight is starting to increase again. Post BD, I lost 10-12 pounds. I did not want that. My appetite is returning. I have not taken any of my anxiety pills in 2 days. Baby steps

[labug]

I saw W last night when she dropped D13 off for the night before returning to neighbor's house for the night. Small things happened. She called me to say she was coming (maybe something maybe nothing...Aren't we supposed to look for small changes first...She previously didn't answers texts and now does...she previously had not called to drop off and now did) she had previously just shown up and dropped off.

Also, she asked if I had gotten a 2nd extension cord for our barn when I purchased one on new years day for her. I said no. she told me she still needed one. I handled this by purchasing one early today and placing it at barn before I knew she would be there. This avoided contact when not needed. to 3's point above, space and time are asked for at this point. I felt that fulfilling my promise but doing it quietly behind the scenes was a good idea.

I also have a nagging feeling to go help her with chores at the barn this morning due to the very low temps (its -5 here today), but I realized if she wanted me to be there, she'd have asked me to come over. Am I getting this?

My DB coach had previously said that many WAS need to realize that they can or cannot DO for themselves (at least from her impression of my wife's reason for Walking away) when they feel that they are not good enough. These "I'm not making anybody happy" feelings are common in WAS. Helping her will only fuel the resentment and give the impression that I THINK that she cannot help herself.

Staying clear of her and going about my day instead of being a fixer and pleaser is my 180 for today. Besides, I have a house to take care of and 3 kids (one with a cold and fever)to keep up with. she's not asking me if I need anything with that.

She does not want to be together right now and I should not insert myself. The fact that she may not tell me to leave if I showed up to help is not the same as actually inviting me to come over. Can I get an amen?? LOL thoughts??

Amen, since this is her avocation.

[paul19510]

labug, Do you mean just leave W alone and let her come along or not. At this point that's W's job to do. W asked for the space, now she should close the gap. am I understanding?

[paul19510]

fist day of NC with W. Interesting. She also dropped D13 off last night and D13 did not return to In laws with W today as per usual. I didn't ask, I just keep moving.

[paul19510]

Continuing to just go about my business. There wasno reason to contact W again today so I didn't. She has not contacted me either. She is staying sccross the streetagain today. More bad weather. Gotta love the gift that keeps on giving. Having a hard time just detaching today. But havering a relaxed day with kids and going to hockeyg ames and practice with S12 And d13. Just keep swimming. Right?

[paul19510]

Great night at practice with d13. Ice storm and w with neighbors again. Nieghbors H text me to ask why I hadn't been around much lately. Kept it upbeat and Told him all the sports and stuff lately.

Not sure why he was asking me. They were out to dinner with my W shortly after he text me. Sent W the usual Sunday night schedule wt the house this week email per my db coach. Nothing more. No reply although I could see that the mail had been read. Not snooping, just right clicked the email and checked to see read status.

This process is not easy, but I am working forward. I'm. Not perfect at it, but I am better than I would be if I hadn't Used these techniques and the boards. If nothing else happens, I am at least keeping my self esteem and dignity by not begging etc and I am getting healthier sooner.

My W has distanced throughout the M. Now she's. Just made it more official. I wonder if she'll. Ever come around. I guess that's. The big question

My kids and I are happier with the lack of drama at home. My W is simply doing what she wants. The uncertainty of this moment is the only drawback.
Would love to move out of nuetral with the witch. But trying to be patient

[paul19510]

Witch**** witch. Darn kindle. Lol

[AnotherStander]

Nieghbors H text me to ask why I hadn't been around much lately. Kept it upbeat and Told him all the sports and stuff lately.

Great response! Whatever you tell friends/ family WILL get back to W, so you want it to sound like you're busy busy busy. What you want to get back to your W is that you're living your life whether with or without her.

This process is not easy, but I am working forward. I'm. Not perfect at it, but I am better than I would be if I hadn't Used these techniques and the boards. If nothing else happens, I am at least keeping my self esteem and dignity by not begging etc and I am getting healthier sooner.

Good. You are still very early in the process, so be patient with yourself. You're still going to cycle through emotions, just when you feel like you're doing OK you will suddenly find yourself despondent again, that's just a normal part of the grief process. Hang in there!

My W has distanced throughout the M. Now she's. Just made it more official. I wonder if she'll. Ever come around. I guess that's. The big question

We would all love to know that, then we would know whether to keep standing or cut our losses, move on and look for love elsewhere. Unfortunately there's no crystal ball, so you have to decide how long to stand. Personally I think everyone should give it at least a year, it's pretty uncommon for things to turn around in less than a year. Plus the LBS needs a good year to find stability again and to get to a point where they can think clearly about where they want to go from there.

[paul19510]

AS thanks! Your feedback is just what I needed. I have told people that we're separate if they ask me "....so how's the W, what's she doing what's she up to these days..." I don't lie about it. there's no shame. I do say that I work on keeping healthy and taking care of my kids (that's busy enough as it is). That my W is hopefully doing what makes her happy and healthy and I pray for the best possible outcome for all of us.

As far as the waiting thing goes... I've got life lock and I watch the credit so waiting really poses no "danger" at the moment. there's no big savings for her to raid.

In the meantime, I've called the bank to understand a pricing package to buy her out of the mortgage if I need to and I have an initial consult with a L that I really trust (he's very compassionate and asked if we had tried everything first before I see him) to discuss what may need to happen to protect our whole family including W. I will not share that with W b/c I think it would seriously spook her

You're right about the changing feelings. We've been NC since Friday. the longest period of silence since it happen. The only thing I sent her was the usual Sunday night email per my DB coach stating this week's upcoming news/events at the house. I may have slipped a little on this note, I put a final sentence that said, "today makes one month since we separated..." No horrible, but probably not necessary. Something tells me she's painfully aware of our time apart.

I will confess to still having a random wish during my day that she would contact me. I'm not acting on it. I don't want the selfish, self centered version of my W that left a month ago. She's not so nice. If I had to look for a new mate, she wouldn't be a candidate. I guess I have to continue to think like that.