I had grown a shell to hide my vulnerability, what I saw as weakness. (long story but many of us share it, the culture of emotion=weakness) I protected it at all costs, so much so that my H didn't even really know who I was. No one really did. I was tough, sarcastic, wise-cracking, smart, miserable.
I kind of wonder if I did not do the same thing, in some respects. My H has said things to me that show that he really does not know me or understand me at all. For example, a few weeks after he moved out, we had an R talk and somehow the topic of him not supporting me emotionally came up. I mentioned (for the billionth time) that it was very hurtful to me the way that he did not support me in things, but he would give that support to acquaintances/coworkers/gym friends in a heartbeat. He said, "you didn't want my support, Melissa."
But I did. And it felt like banging my head against a wall when I kept telling him I did, and he insisted I didn't. Did I just come across as so tough that I convinced him (despite my words to the contrary) that I didn't want his emotional support?
At the time (and even now, though apparently I need to think about it more), it seemed to me that he just had his own ideas and nothing was going to change them, not even clearly verbalizing things to him.
OK. So as underdog said, the answers for me are right here in this thread. I need to talk with my H. I need to tell him that ML with him, based on the current circumstances, is making me feel shitty. Or, I need to ask him what his thoughts are around it and see what he says, then decide whether I need to set a boundary. I am still kind of stuck as to what to say. I know that UD laid it out in a script for me . . . but I am not sure I can make myself say that. "H, it is confusing for me when we ML because it makes me feel like you want to be with me as your W." That sounds like it is coming from such a place of weakness. And I feel like setting boundaries is really taking the reins for myself. Perhaps I am still stuck in a power struggle with my H . . . I'm not sure. I feel like the reason I need to set the boundary is because I feel that my H treats me like a piece of crap, and I want to maintain my self respect. But perhaps under that anger, is really the hurt that I feel close to him and get hopeful when we ML, and then he drops me like a hot potato (as UD so kindly pointed out. ) So perhaps vulnerability is the way to go.
Do I just set the boundary and be done with it? I feel like that is making assumptions about how he feels or what his intentions are. Or do I ask him his thoughts . . . what does ML mean to him? And then either immediately set the boundary, or take some time to think about what he said.
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Just maybe your H does try to make you feel sh!tty sometimes. My own did it as his own way of lashing out because I hurt him. It can be a vicious cycle, but someone has to go first.
I think I defend my H too much, but I honestly don't think that he intends to hurt me. I just think he doesn't give a rat's ass about how his actions affect others right now. He feels that he has given SO MUCH that now it is perfectly reasonable to be 100% selfish and to hell with the collateral damage. (This is only partly mind reading - he has told me just about as much around BD.) But yes, the cycle does have to end somewhere. I think that so far, I have ended that cycle. I am just not sure how he is going to react at this point, because he feels like a totally different person that he did the last time we had a R talk.
I will have to check out the Spezzano book. Good quotes you posted here, UD.
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You know they held you hostage too, right? They knew the things that bothered you, your buttons, and they pushed them anyway. They drove you away as much as you drove them away. It took some time in C for me to see this one for the truth it is.
Uh. Yeah. My H punished me in all sorts of ways during our M. He would get into our queen size bed (and keep in mind he is 6'4") and scrunch all the way to his side - I'm shocked he didn't fall off, to show me just how much he hated me for not having sex more often. He was rude and mean to me, just acting like my ideas were stupid, I was annoying, everything I said was mean, etc. Oh yes, I see it. We are both very guilty in this mess. The only difference is, only one of us sees our own transgressions. And I think part of my problem is that this fact is starting to make me angry. When what I really need to do is follow the advice I give my kids, which is "worry about yourself."
And I can see that this goes back to the power struggle issue . . . .
Sorry for the rambling today. Any help with a script for my discussion with my H would be appreciated.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
) So perhaps vulnerability is the way to go.
