I think the part I'm questioning now is....he comes over here one night a week to see the kids and then takes them one day a week and then stays for a few hours after bringing them home. This has been going on for 1 1/2 years. We are usually cordial and friendly. Have spent holidays together but still nothing has changed (as far as I can see) in our R (him wanting to make it work,letting go of OW,etc)...
Is it time to change that dynamic in the hope that it will change his outlook?? I just don't know..
Almost 2 years is a long time to hang on the sidelines so to speak.
It is a long time indeed. If you're not content with continuing as-is, then yes, I would say it's time to change the dynamic. DB'ing is not about continuing to do the same thing over and over again hoping for different results. In fact in the chapter in DR on cheeseless tunnels MWD warns that it is human nature to do exactly that, but that it doesn't work. I think after that length of time you should take stock of what YOU want. Maybe you're content to keep waiting, but maybe you feel like you want a loving relationship, if not with your H then with someone else. MWD does talk about the "ultimatum" in DR, sometimes that's what it comes down to, just telling the WAS that you're ready to move on and let them go. But MWD also warns that an ultimatum could very well end your M, so you have to be prepared to accept that.
If you feel an ultimatum is too much for you at this stage, you might want to talk to a DB coach, I'm sure they can give you some new ideas on how to change things up a bit.
