I don't understand why you choose to live this way. What are you getting from it? It doesn't sound as if the M is that strong outside of the sex issue. It sounds controlling and punishing. Am I wrong?
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
There are a couple of things about friends with benefits. First, regardless of the sex moratorium which she imposed, any sexual affair is an immediate marriage ender as far as she is concerned.
In other words, your wife's condition is that she will stay in the marriage as long as you're totally celibate for the long-term. Which is the complete opposite of what a marriage is supposed to provide. Your wife has redefined marriage to be a total sexual prison.
You know, with her definition of marriage, perhaps the Catholic Church would consider allowing priests to get married after all! Celibacy would still be maintained!
And so what I always ask in this situation, and which I've never received a logical answer to is, if a woman thinks sex is that unimportant, why would she mind if you had something that unimportant with someone else?
Or to ask it another way, what does she get out of knowing that you are celibate? Does she mind that you masturbate? If not then what is it about "friend assisted" masturbation that would bother her? Is it just intercourse with someone else that bothers her? Or just an emotional connection with another woman, even if it didn't include sex of any kind?
Perhaps she just wants a husband who is a skeleton in a chair that she can talk to, and spin around for the audience to gasp at? Don't know why, but that famous movie scene is what came to mind.
So, let's see... If we combine the conservative abstain-until-married philosophy with your wife's philosophy, then nobody would ever have sex under any circumstances at all.
And if you have sex with anybody you could find to that would do it with you, your marriage would end. In which case you would be not-married and you would have to abstain until you were married again. Hopefully, your next wife would not have the same philosophy so that you'd have to go through yet another abstinence-celibacy cycle.
Wow ssm, your hostility is over the line. Try respecting other's decisions that don't impact you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
adinva, yeah, ok, I admit it sounds over the line. Sorry about that. It's mostly tongue-in-cheek. I'm in a very similar situation myself. I love my wife and keep all this complaining away from her because she's heard it all before. I understand that she doesn't see the point in sex at all at this point. But I don't argue that with her because there's nothing new to be said.
But you have to admit the logic sounds absurd in certain contexts. If you can't have sex with anyone at all because you're married, and you're supposed to abstain until you're married, what does that leave?!
That construct is absurd. Most people dont believe either of those two things. If you marry thinking you will have sex, a fair assumption, and then due to mental health issues, physical health issues, or unfortunate lack of understanding one another, you later find that's not the case, it's up to you as an individual to decide what is right. If the situation is more intolerable than divorce to you, then you divorce. If one person chooses to stay in that sitch, that might be encouragement for others to stick it out too, but that doesnt make it a rule you have to follow.
If you leave your marriage you will most likely have sex; therefore your construct is absurd.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My construct is absurd? Yes, that's my point. It's tongue-in-cheek sarcasm.
Incidentally, if the situation is intolerable, you say to divorce to have sex. You don't have to. Some people have open marriages. And of those who don't, many of them have sex outside their marriage anyway. So, no, you don't have to divorce to have sex.
No, you are not wierd, you are a woman. Sex is important to men. Beyond the physical need, it carries tremendous emotional weight. Sex can often be as much a measure of a mans worth as his job. It affects his self esteem.
I can absolutely, see "Counting the days". Having recently divorced my wife, and being a committed Christian, I am going through a similiar struggle. I cannot imagine 17 years.
I can tell you this, when I do get married again, i am going to have a serious conversation about sex. A woman who truly loves a man will make satisfying him sexually a priority in her life. It should bring her joy to bring him joy. If she doesn't truly get this, then she is not capable of love and is not worth marrying.
I can tell you this, when I do get married again, i am going to have a serious conversation about sex. A woman who truly loves a man will make satisfying him sexually a priority in her life. It should bring her joy to bring him joy. If she doesn't truly get this, then she is not capable of love and is not worth marrying.
That's still no guarantee. I had that conversation with my wife before we married. Nobody knows ahead of time that they could lose their libido decades later after hormonal changes, childbirths, menopause, etc.
