I was also just thinking that H hasn't been texting me little things (about work usually) since OW has been here and then I just got a text from him about a dream he had last night.
Just kind of made me smile that I was just thinking about this and then it occurred.
I know it is just a text but I almost feel like it is the way it has been going....I try to move ahead, distance myself and then he pulls me back, even in little ways like this.
GG, My only recommendation is to establish a boundary for yourself, whatever that boundary may be.
It can be as long as he's with OW, you don't want ANY contact, just don't answer texts or calls.
He's going to have to put in the work and you need to decide what you want and how much further your willing to wait for that to happen. 2 years is a long time. detach
Take care of yourself. Just know that his actions trigger you, and that something you need to work on.
I just feel like I need to hang on to the interaction we do have, thinking that keeps some tie to him even though I know he is going to do what he is going to do...
If I cut that off, then what do I have left...I know I need to do what is going to make me respected but still...
So like I said earlier H texted me about a dream he had..started texting back and forth about the dream and possible meaning.
I told him I felt like he hasn't texted me like this since OW has been here. He said it wasn't true, that we just texted about his job yesterday. I said but you haven't texted about little things.
His response:I didn't know you didn't mind receiving my silly updates. Now that I know, I'll pester you more often.
I told him I didn't mind but I felt like every convo we have turns negative, seems like I'm nagging.
He said I wasn't being negative now but we have had some mean and negative conversations
I said probably the reason why was because we are both hurting (or non-hurt as he has said about himself)...that this was something for us to work on...can't change the past but can move ahead to a positive,healthy,fulfilled relationship
His response was "Hm." *sigh*
Not sure how to take this...turned convo back to other things...
After I realize I start getting a panicky feeling because I just feel like I have no control...If I stop convo like this, I feel like I really will loose him...If I continue on, am I letting him "have his cake...?"....
I just feel like I need to hang on to the interaction we do have, thinking that keeps some tie to him even though I know he is going to do what he is going to do...
If I cut that off, then what do I have left...I know I need to do what is going to make me respected but still...
You don't have to cut that off, the DB approach is to not pursue, but it's OK to reply if he initiates. Just don't pressure him with relationship talks. Some here call it the "friendly neighbor" approach, converse with him like you would a friendly neighbor. Light, fluffy talk. Sometimes people have to "go dark" and cut off all contact for themselves, because they need time and space to help them detach from their WAS and get off their roller coaster. But I don't think you're there yet.
I think that is what I keep needing to tell myself over and over no matter what...stop R talk.
I think the part I'm questioning now is....he comes over here one night a week to see the kids and then takes them one day a week and then stays for a few hours after bringing them home. This has been going on for 1 1/2 years. We are usually cordial and friendly. Have spent holidays together but still nothing has changed (as far as I can see) in our R (him wanting to make it work,letting go of OW,etc)...
Is it time to change that dynamic in the hope that it will change his outlook?? I just don't know..
Almost 2 years is a long time to hang on the sidelines so to speak.
I think the part I'm questioning now is....he comes over here one night a week to see the kids and then takes them one day a week and then stays for a few hours after bringing them home. This has been going on for 1 1/2 years. We are usually cordial and friendly. Have spent holidays together but still nothing has changed (as far as I can see) in our R (him wanting to make it work,letting go of OW,etc)...
Is it time to change that dynamic in the hope that it will change his outlook?? I just don't know..
Almost 2 years is a long time to hang on the sidelines so to speak.
It is a long time indeed. If you're not content with continuing as-is, then yes, I would say it's time to change the dynamic. DB'ing is not about continuing to do the same thing over and over again hoping for different results. In fact in the chapter in DR on cheeseless tunnels MWD warns that it is human nature to do exactly that, but that it doesn't work. I think after that length of time you should take stock of what YOU want. Maybe you're content to keep waiting, but maybe you feel like you want a loving relationship, if not with your H then with someone else. MWD does talk about the "ultimatum" in DR, sometimes that's what it comes down to, just telling the WAS that you're ready to move on and let them go. But MWD also warns that an ultimatum could very well end your M, so you have to be prepared to accept that.
If you feel an ultimatum is too much for you at this stage, you might want to talk to a DB coach, I'm sure they can give you some new ideas on how to change things up a bit.
So yesterday H texts in the AM about how to handle his visit with the kids since OW is still at his house and he wanted to know what was acceptable to me. I called him and told him that I think OW has overstayed her welcome and that I really didn't think kids were ready to meet OW.
I started R talk and he asked why I was doing this now. I told him I had been saying the same things all along but I think he wasn't hearing me because of OW. Told him that I think he feels that if he told me he was willing to make it work he thinks I would want him to move right back home and everything would be ok. He confirmed that he thought I would think this. I said that I knew it would be a work in progress and that it would be like we would need to start dating again and I wouldn't want or expect him to move right in.He then asked what other people thought about our situation.I told him that most support me in wanting to make it work but one did say they wouldn't put up with this. I asked what people tell him and he said he doesn't really talk about it (although on a previous occasion we had a similar convo and he said he hears all different perspectives).
H then came over, spend entire day (12noon to 10PM) at our house (while OW was home at his house!!).
This am I texted him a dream I had. He responded and then said BTW good morning... that BTW threw me off a bit...
This evening I texted him why did he ask me what others thought. He responded that it's something he thinks about a lot and "Simple. I hate failure and having others see it as such." I clarified that he sees us as a failure and wonder if others do too? and he responded "Yes.I do."
I told him I'm not ready to give up on us and that I didn't believe he was either. He responded fair enough and he understood my perspective. I asked him if what I said was true. He responded he wasn't really sure. He thought we were going in the direction of having D papers drawn and now I was becoming aggressive in "keeping" him and he's perplexed and trying to figure out why.
I told him that I didn't think I was telling him anything different then I had been but that I thought he was hearing me now and that I felt somehow he was changed. He had to get back to work but said "We'll talk later."
A convo w/ my MIL this evening revealed that H had told her prior to Thanksgiving that he thought he loved OW. She thinks that the only real interest they share is drinking (which can lead to good convo,listening to music and physical attraction)...
Not really sure what to think or do at this point.
During our talk yesterday the subject of divorce papers came up. I asked what a piece of paper was going to do. He said then he wouldnt have to feel bad about his R with OW and he would n't have to feel like he was sneaking around. I told him if he felt bad then he knew it was wrong and he was in fact sneaking around. I don't think he sees this point.
