He came over to pick up the boys for his sister's Christmas, and I could not get S13 to get out of bed and get ready on time, so there was nearly an hour of me and him visiting in the kitchen.
Topic 1: how much is a safe deposit box at my bank. I don't know exactly because I looked into getting one when I opened my account and they had a waiting list so I didn't bother. I thought back then that I might need to secure some things outside the house because of our sitch, but that didn't turn out to be necessary. The reason for H's question was because he thinks I should take my $14K that he still has of my savings and put it in cash in a box to hide it when my S15 needs financial aid for college. I immediately felt resistance to (1) something that on first blush sounds unethical, (2) being told what to do with my money, (3) being included in his sense of a family under the umbrella of his paranoia which I do not share. That comes from topic 2.
Topic 2: H has a ton of money in cash not earning interest and appears to be planning to stick it in a box, including the part of it discussed in topic 1 that is mine. Reason: job insecurity. He can lose his job at any time and is afraid to invest or put his money into a retirement account because when he loses his job he won't be able to access it. I don't even try reasoning with him that if he loses his job he will have to get another just like the rest of us, because what is at play is his own anxiety and he has to address that as he sees fit. If that means sticking cash in his gun safe, that is what he needs to do. It doesn't mean I feel like I need to do that. I don't even HAVE a job after June and I'm not that worried that I won't find something better by then, I am as certain as I can be that I'll do everything I can and will patch together 5 jobs at Walmart and Starbucks if I need to but I will be employed. I will drive a cab all night, I'm sure they need people to do that. I can waitress. If I don't find the senior level executive job I need, I still won't be sitting on my butt pulling cash out of my mattress. I am not discussing these things with H because we are not a couple and I'm not responsible for his beliefs that I don't share, never was, but now I am free from having to live within them if it's not in my best interest. But anyway, job insecurity drives a lot of H's fears and behaviors.
By the way, there's a lurking suspicion that in addition to not being real happy in our marriage, perhaps leaving me is part of H's financial plan for the boys' college tuition. I really do believe he is capable of that. After all when we first discussed his proposed separation agreement, in which his total responsibility ends at high school graduation, I asked him what he felt his responsibility was for college expenses and instead of answering me he started talking about how some kids disown their families in order to show they have no support so they can get financial aid.
Topic 3: He gave me a check to help pay for the walkway repair I paid out of pocket for this past fall. In my state of confusion I'm happy to accept whatever, but I think ultimately he may rather call that child support and not a contribution to the home value, but what do I know. I'll put it in the mattress, er, bank, and we'll figure out where the chips all fall when I get my financial bearing on everything. It was really nice to get that check because it cuts a chunk out of the $6000 loss I took last year supporting the kids and utilities on my part time income.
Topic 4: I mentioned that I played with my friend's band last night. I try not to push conversation on him but was just shooting the breeze and was excited about the superfun time last night. He was animated and said that was cool and what equipment did I use. I use all equipment owned by the homeowner, who plays bass but has a basement full of high quality amps, speakers, mixer, mics and stands, drum set, keyboard, you name it. It's pretty incredible. I told H I had priced out some stuff and realized even one item was outside my budget, and he said I should just let him know anytime I need anything and he'll give me his. I need a mic though, which is the one type of thing H doesn't have, and he has guitar stuff which I'm not currently needing. So, like old times, it turned into a kind of argumentish conversation. Not in a way that an observer would notice, just simply that I can see when we talk how we tend to gravitate to opposite sides of a given topic and become sort of antagonistic.
He made a joke when he first came in and I was tempted to be annoyed that it was mean but it was funny so I let go of a genuine smile and laugh. The local brother and his wife asked me to pass a message through H to SIL that they couldn't make it because they were sick, and H said "Sick in the head, ha!" Not exactly stand-up quality but I tried to take the moment lightheartedly and just enjoy not thinking H is a jerk.
Back to the topics. Topic 5: H's coworker got fired. This on the subject of why H is concerned about his job security and why I should be too. But, the coworker left the country during sequester without the necessary preauthorization and came back and paid cash for two cars. Someone with that poor judgment in his position should not be in his position. Oh, and bragged about these things on Facebook. Like I said, really poor judgment. So, that story doesn't scare me about H's job security because H is very clear about the rules of his employment. If anyone was a perfect candidate for H's job (other than the fact that he once had a wife and kids) it would be H. You give him a rule, he'll follow it. In fact, another of my suspicions about why he left is that perhaps he viewed me as a weak link in his overall imperviousness for his position. Like Superman and Lois Lane, except that Superman loved Lois.
I guess that's all I have to say about today's visit. I'm going to try to make the most of my respite from being a parent this afternoon. I have a list longer than the available time, as always, and hope to clean my house, hit the gym, grocery shop, paint my nails, maybe play a little guitar, take a hike, and return my dead new fish to the pet shop to get a better fish. That one first. It was a gourami and though they're finicky they are so cool that I want to keep trying.
Also, my high school finally started posting on FB for our 30th reunion and I'm excited to plan for my 5-year visit to the midwest to see some people I love. That called to my notice that my status says married and I see other people don't have a status for relationship at all. I wonder if anyone knows if I can just take my status off without announcing it to people. I really hate those notifications "Joe change his relationship status to It's Complicated!!!" and would rather keep it Married unless I can do it without an announcement going out. Suggestions welcome.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
