Limbo is the new normal

[Confluences]

Slow~ My W has a lot of items still here where I live. She texted me a couple of weeks ago to thank me for leaving Christmas decorations at a friend's house and to discuss tax stuff but it was brief.

I am working on some financial stuff (still) that is supposed to fund next week but could have possibly funded yesterday but the stupid snow in New York kept people away from work.

In NC, you have to wait 12 months before you can file but I still am focused on getting some financial stuff resolved and that may force to recognize that some sustained changes have occurred for the better.

There is a older post on here that I saved where a guy was recounting how he had no contact with his W for 14 months, assumed it was over, disconnected, and on the 4th meeting with her to finalize a D, his W stopped it and they were able to work things out. It was a very inspiring story...here it is below:

Jamesjohn
Moderator

Registered: 11/21/00
Posts: 8334
Loc: The GREAT Pacific Northwest From farfromhome

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I was pretty close to the brink, well about a week away from it and got to the stage we had been to court three times, had only talked 4 times in 4 months and hadn’t seen each other for 14 months. We are now back together and working through things.

In the end you cannot stop the Divorce if that is what she really wants. I just said if this is what you want then I won’t stop it but I’m not going to help in anyway. We then got bogged down in property settlement issues (that was the 3 court appearances).

Through this time I treated the property side as any business arrangement, I wasn’t going to give wife stuff in the hope she would come back (this never works by the way). I went completely dark and tried to get a life back. In my case I had completely given up on my marriage which in the end was the thing that made her want to give things another go - she realized the finality of it all.

In the end don’t freak out, this isn’t a good look for you in her eyes. All I can suggest is to concentrate on you and detach. I know it is hard it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. You also have to accept that this is not a 'trick' to get your wife back but it is you generally looking at getting on with your life.

My wife and I have talked a lot about what was going on in our minds through the separation. I was positive through this period that she “said” she had written us off, she was not thinking about me and was out having a good time. In fact she was continually thinking about us and working through issues in her mind. Don’t believe what they say to you, it is soooo different from what is going on in their minds.

My wife said something to me that was a bit of an eye opener. I did get the ILYBNILWY talk, the trust talk, the change talk, etc. That seems to be a very common thread through most stories on the board. She told me that even though she was saying these things she knew inside that she still loved me, missed me and what we had. She was angry so she would deliberately do things to push my buttons to make me get mad thus reinforcing in her mind that she had made the right decision to walk away.

One big word of advice - Never get into an argument with the WAS about what they have done, never try to change their mind - You will NEVER win - this is something that they have to go through themselves (well in my experience anyway)

I don’t think there is any right thing that makes things 'work'. But from what I have seen is the process of detachment, looking after yourself and doing things to make your life good. This does get the WAS thinking and it certainly did in my stich. In the end for us she made the contact to stop the court case and asked to give it another go and I am very happy that she did.

Andrew
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JJ

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