WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[AJM]

Hey Am. I get what you're saying. I've been there. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, something will take me back there. The feeling that they MLCr wants to burn the bridge, stomp on the ashes, beat them into the dirt and then burn them again, is not pleasant after the life that was shared together. It's not. Your feelings? I've had those as well.

Somebody trying to get "free" of a relationship would naturally try to soothe themselves by looking for all the "bad" things in their partner. It's part of the process to disentangle. Why they feel they need to do it? Who really knows? They do. And they put a great deal of effort into it.

It doesn't make the proportions they convey true. It means they feel that way and nothing more. That's humans for ya.

But you can't let it get to the point that it affects you physically. You have to build that wall to protect yourself. You have to reconcile this in yourself and understand that while you were not "perfect" (who is?) you did your best each and every day. He loved you. He liked what you were doing. Until something in him needed to run away.

These are his issues and he needs to deal with them. Your issues you have to deal with.

It's year end/beginning. I was reflecting back a while ago and remembered the day that I realized how hard my ex was trying to vilify me and how much effort it was taking. I'm not perfect; never was. But she went above and beyond to make me out to the be the bad guy. I was walking into work and I stopped and started laughing. People thought I was crazy But the truth is, she tried for a couple of years to make me the reason she felt how she did and made up all kinds of things to support that feeling. That's not crazy - that's self-preservation on her part.

For me? I remember the love we had. I still live in the same house and from time to time I get the opportunity to clean out the "gems" that she left when she hurriedly moved out. It took until after that moment of laughter on my part to be able to do it without emotions. Without feeling the betrayal, the bile, the anger and the lies.

It started with me recognizing it wasn't me, and although there were some grains of truth in some of the things she said, she was blowing it out of proportion to help herself. At first I was sad for her. But after a while, I realized it wasn't something I could help with. I hate it for her and my kids. I almost hate it for the OM she quickly married.

It takes time and perspective, but you cannot let it physically affect you. That cost is too high, Am.

As a side note, my ex once told me to "wake up" as if it was me. She conveys that she thinks I'm bitter, crazy, bipolar, etc. Recently. Know what? That's just how she feels. It seems to help her process whatever she needs to process. It's no skin off my back.

It gets better Am. Make it better.

AJ