WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[Ambivalent]

Got locked for the first time.


Thanks Gabby's,

What I was trying to say is, I understand his need to rant, spew, vent. He has , in his own perception, put himself second, and me and the girls first. So now he is letting it all out. Stomping if you will , on the dead marriage to make sure it never reaches it's arm suddenly from the soft earth to which it was buried. Similar to the hand thrusting itself out of the ground at the end of a horror movie.

Cue the string section playing sharps in a staccato fashion...


When I said "IF" there was...I could listen ..." I meant I could let it roll off my back more.
It is my inner fear that it is all over. He just wants to get rid of me, as if I was a sack of smelly garbage. THAT hurts.

He will never see me for who I was and am. A loving mother, who worked herself to exhaustion trying to meet the needs of our girls. The wife who loved him and tried to be patient, accepting, sexy, and independent. Flawed , oh yes, but always always trying . I'm HIS cheese-less tunnel.

Part of me can see it for what it is, at some moments. Yesterday was just a " Terrible No Good Very Bad Day "

The needing the use of an attorney, the money to retain her, the feelings of pride swallowed, the feelings of deception as I share such intimacies with the attorney, ALL of that is beating me down presently.

His remarks, and perceptions DO make me want to defend myself. I AM a fighter. So for me to swallow and digest his anger and resentment is having an affect on my immune system, and yes it is getting to me psychologically.

I feel guilty that I don't have a job. I feel panic to save the house and my only home. I feel terrified that I'm going to be stuck in a box, crammed in with other strangers, no parking, cars and parking lot as my view. I've been blessed to create the gardens that I have. It was and is my place of escape, release, and meditation. I am tortured by being displaced and fear losing myself in all of this ugliness.

So I don't "take it" for I do not respond. I don't react, externally, he doesn't see what it is doing, but internally it does create angst.

Another part of me knows if he releases this cr-p he's feeling , the sooner he will get through his process. For me it is a need to release, and .. The I want to slap him upside the head, and say " SNAP OUTTA IT ! "

I know , you know, WE ALL KMOW 'taint gonna do no good! Cheese-less tunnel anyone?