Starting to get it

[KikiDoll]

it sounds like you held Christmas together well! Great job!

I, too, was hoping for a Christmas Miracle, and in a way, I got one. We spent the day at my parents' and H was acting like his "old self." He was laughing & joking, offered to help my father put something together. After dinner, my father tols my mom and I to sit and relax and he began clearing the table...H just got up and helped too. He didn't interact much with me, but a few times there was eye contact...not the norm since BD.

Reading about how you and H worked as a team makes me happy. I know the lack of intimacy [censored], that was definately some emotional intimacy...IMO.

[paul19510]

it seems to me that W report better results when their H walk away. My W walked out. Seems like when women leave, they stay one. I dunno. maybe its just me.

[mustardseed]

Well, I think that part of the reason (from what I have been reading) is because when wives leave they have been planning their exit for quite some time (years even). By the time women say it is over, it has been over for far longer than their spouse realized. Whereas men seem to be a bit more impulsive about it. But IDK.

I am feeling very optimistic. Probably to the point where I am making some DB mistakes because I am feeling confident, but so far what I have been doing seems to be well received. Of course, I never know what is going on in his head because he doesn't talk about it at all. That is frustrating.

One thing I know I have going for me is that he is in no rush to leave. The problems that led to my reactions that led to his desire to leave still exist. But I am putting that aside for right now and waiting until I know he is committed. And during this time I am learning new ways to connect with him that will hopefully help us avoid the pitfalls that made me feel needy, and pushed him further away.

My DB goals have always included feeling more connected to him by spending at least 20 minutes a day doing something together. Anything--it could be as simple as washing dishes. But something that allows us to be present with each other. Preparing for Christmas Eve and Santa was one of those things. Two weeks before BD we had a moment while washing dishes--that was when I thought things were better between us. He even came up to bed afterwards. Then, a few weeks later when I was sick and he was stressed, and I guess there was just a lot of misery all around, I started begging for some TLC and he dropped the bomb so who knows. I keep reminding myself that just because things feel better doesn't mean they are. But I still have 6 months before I will know if he really still plans to go ahead with a separation or not--unless he decides to open up to me before that time.

The thing is, looking back I wonder if his comment about not loving me and not wanting to be married to me anymore was due to my anxiety about money and things breaking that I was stressing out about for a couple of months. His resistance to all of my ideas to try and solve those problems.

My fear/his shame.

It makes so much sense. I seek him out for comfort, but he rejects me due to shame. Which makes me more anxious and needy and clingy. Which pushes him further away. Until I tell him that he is right, our marriage isn't working and if he wants a D I won't fight him. This breaks the cycle but adds more failure/shame to his already deteriorating ego. "Sorry I failed you" he says, followed by his tearful retreat--and a bit of a bender that lasted a few weeks. It makes so much sense. That first month was a series of him acting like a neanderthal. Or a teenager (is there a difference).

But now things feel like they are settling. I offered an olive branch after Thanksgiving with no expectations and he took it. And things have been peaceful. I am hopeful. Maybe too hopeful, but that is OK for now. As long as I don't bring up R talk I don't think I will have to experience that hurt again until June--when he makes his final decision. I can wait 6 months. In the meantime I will make myself the best me I can be. I will keep myself busy, positive, productive and joyful. I won't apologize for things beyond my control. I will be innocently flirtatious for as long as he seems to respond positively to it. And I will not think beyond the present.

[paul19510]

thanks for the insights. I texted my Wife a picture of our S 12 about the take the Ice for his hockey game yesterday. I told her, I am proud of him and wanted to share the moment so she could see it too. I don't think that is pursuit. Just living life.

She seems wounded and stubborn. not a good combination. I told her that I'm moving forward with my life, but feel the power of hope in the good parts of the life we had created.

I know now that what I am learning will be used going forward. I will have a partner who is emotionally and physically available, who is open and honest and values time with me. W gets first choice for now if she wants that. if not, at some point, I'll pursue it another way. make sense to think like that?

[paul19510]

I am also beginning to realize how much the silence has helped. Whether or not it was a bad thing to tell her that, I mentioned to her the other day, the I am very aware that she did not feel heard. I told her that no matter what the outcome, I was sorry for the times when I added to that feeling in her life. I told her that I felt she was brave to take this step away because the time apart is helping me to see things that I could not seen when we were in the thick if it and living so closely.

I made her responsible for my happiness without even realizing it. Then when I didn't feel happy, she was supposedly responsible. Nobody wants to feel like they failed each day when they come home. Nobody wants to see pain on their loved one's face and think that they are part of that. I almost envision her carrying me over the shoulder (like a wounded soldier or a fireman's carry) from an emotional standpoint. I made her the "happy police". I gave her way more power in my life than I ever should have. I've begun to take that back now. That part feels nice. Have a great day!

[mustardseed]

I'm really so tired of not knowing anything that is happening in my life. I know that this long stay-cation is to blame. Luckily we both go back to work on Monday, and the kids go back to school. Two weeks was way too long to be holed up together in the house, and the fact that I have no money right now and the weather is awful meant there really were no options. These have been the longest 2 weeks of my life.

The weird thing is that everything feels the way it did before BD which wasn't good. I feel neglected, lonely, and pissed that I can't do anything about it. I kept up a PMA for as long as I could but then I did another temperature check because things were feeling really good. And he told me to be patient. What does that mean? That sent me retreating and pretty much hiding out in the bedroom. The thing is that he is acting pre-BD normal, but his normal pisses me off. I want attention! But now I can't even ask for it because I have no clue if he cares at all about my pain. I know that I am not detached right now. I was before vacation, but two weeks of cabin fever with kids and with an H who doesn't even have the decency to tell you if he is still planning on ending the marriage will do that to you.

The thing is, if he is still planning on going through with this, I will be homeless. I am sure he just assumes the kids and I will move in with my parents, but I don't want to! I hate not knowing what I need to plan for and I lost my motivation. I don't even think he has thought about it at all. He never plans for anything and I doubt he thought about where we are all going to live if we go through with a S or D. He always thinks things just magically happen.

I know that my funk is do to going from not having a spare second to having more time on my hands than a person needs. Before the holidays I was super busy--I was doing school work, planning for Christmas, working, keeping the house running, entertaining and visiting. Then it all stopped. School ended (for good), vacation started, the holiday hustle and bustle ended, any extra cash I had was tapped out, and all of my purpose and direction just came to a screeching halt. I went from living day to day because I had too much to do to stop and think, to having nothing but time on my hands. And it is making me hate him. I hate that I clean the kitchen before bed and wake up to a mess. I hate that I go to bed alone every night. I hate that I have to ask him for money for groceries (or rely on the groceries that he buys which is not what I would buy) because all of the money in my account is going to bills. I just hate my entire sucky situation. I am feeling the same sort of stress and misery I was feeling before this all happened. I am scared, and tapped out, and just so very lonely.

[mustardseed]

After my rant I realized I need to give myself a peptalk to try and snap myself out of this funk.

1) I don't know what is happening but that doesn't mean I can't do anything about it.
2) My financial dependence on him is making this so much worse. I NEED a better job ASAP. If I can eliminate the need for his paycheck I will be able to better gauge what value he brings to my life.
3)I am incredibly attracted to him which makes things very difficult when I am around him. He smiles at me and I melt, and that makes me want to push for more closeness. I need to remind myself that physical attraction is not enough to save my marriage right now.
4) Even if he tells me tomorrow that he is sorry and takes it all back and can't live without me, I have to remember not to accept the status quo. If we are going to work it out, it has to work better than before. I think getting my financial situation in order will help with this.

[mustardseed]

I made her responsible for my happiness without even realizing it.

I did the same thing. Rather than being supportive I placed more of a burden on him.

I also realize that whenever he was in a bad mood I made it about me. I pushed him to open about what was bothering him, and when my questions didn't work I then assumed that I must be the problem. So I would keep pushing to talk about until he would lash out and i felt like that confirmed that his moods really were about me all along. Now I realize that when he is in a bad mood, if I just leave it alone and stay positive, eventually he will come around (and maybe even open up). But if I push to find out why, then I become part of the problem even if I wasn't initially.

I'm the opposite. When I am in a bad mood I need to talk about it. And he doesn't want to hear it. So once again, i feel rejected. Rejected because he won't open up, and rejected because he doesn't want to hear when I need to open up. I hate this suffering in silence business. I feel like I am drowning.

[paul19510]

This is also true of my sitch. I gave my W responsibility for my happiness. I texted her a one-sided(expecting nothing back) apology when I realized this. She actually thanked me for saying something. good luck to you!

no matter what happens we become better people and partners to someone by learning and applying these things.

[mustardseed]

Yes. I want to be a better person--and if that is all that I get out of this then at least it is something.

I think the problem with these past 15 days is that I stopped any GAL and 180s that I was doing before. I slipped back into old patterns. Money is a big reason why that happened--and since my classes ended I no longer have an excuse to spend hours at the library--although I think I might still make weekly trips to just sit and enjoy the quiet. My other GAL commitments were cancelled due to the holidays. Monday it all starts up again. I think I will also pick up some volunteer work--my church does a monthly "cooking for the shelter" night, and they also have a knitting circle. I love to knit but never did any sort of community knitting.

The thing is I don't want to neglect my kids with my GAL. What can I do that is free and also can include kids in the winter? I can think of a ton of things to do when it gets warmer, but this time of year is tough.