I'm really so tired of not knowing anything that is happening in my life. I know that this long stay-cation is to blame. Luckily we both go back to work on Monday, and the kids go back to school. Two weeks was way too long to be holed up together in the house, and the fact that I have no money right now and the weather is awful meant there really were no options. These have been the longest 2 weeks of my life.
The weird thing is that everything feels the way it did before BD which wasn't good. I feel neglected, lonely, and pissed that I can't do anything about it. I kept up a PMA for as long as I could but then I did another temperature check because things were feeling really good. And he told me to be patient. What does that mean? That sent me retreating and pretty much hiding out in the bedroom. The thing is that he is acting pre-BD normal, but his normal pisses me off. I want attention! But now I can't even ask for it because I have no clue if he cares at all about my pain. I know that I am not detached right now. I was before vacation, but two weeks of cabin fever with kids and with an H who doesn't even have the decency to tell you if he is still planning on ending the marriage will do that to you.
The thing is, if he is still planning on going through with this, I will be homeless. I am sure he just assumes the kids and I will move in with my parents, but I don't want to! I hate not knowing what I need to plan for and I lost my motivation. I don't even think he has thought about it at all. He never plans for anything and I doubt he thought about where we are all going to live if we go through with a S or D. He always thinks things just magically happen.
I know that my funk is do to going from not having a spare second to having more time on my hands than a person needs. Before the holidays I was super busy--I was doing school work, planning for Christmas, working, keeping the house running, entertaining and visiting. Then it all stopped. School ended (for good), vacation started, the holiday hustle and bustle ended, any extra cash I had was tapped out, and all of my purpose and direction just came to a screeching halt. I went from living day to day because I had too much to do to stop and think, to having nothing but time on my hands. And it is making me hate him. I hate that I clean the kitchen before bed and wake up to a mess. I hate that I go to bed alone every night. I hate that I have to ask him for money for groceries (or rely on the groceries that he buys which is not what I would buy) because all of the money in my account is going to bills. I just hate my entire sucky situation. I am feeling the same sort of stress and misery I was feeling before this all happened. I am scared, and tapped out, and just so very lonely.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17