Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 3

[tigerlily78]

T-boned and everyone. Thanks for checking in on me. I feel like I am doing pretty well the past few days.

I will have to take some time to check in on everyone this weekend. I just haven't been online as much during the day recently.

So... a couple days without food and then Thursday (two days ago?) morning H showed up extra early in the morning... early enough that I realize he must have left "the other place" within minutes of or maybe even BEFORE the OW left for work.

He came into bed without even asking if it was okay or what I wanted. I guess he didn't want to give me the chance to say No this time. lol. He was VERY affectionate, held me tight, rubbed my back, kissed me on the back of the neck, put his fingers in my hair... eventually tried to kiss me ON THE MOUTH (that is not something he has voluntarily initiated for at least 2 months).

I asked him what he was doing. He said he was putting the moves on me. I said "under the current circumstances, no you are not." He said something like, "But don't you miss me? Don't you like this?" I said the backrub was really good and I love the way he holds me, but right now I can't just relax and enjoy any if it. All it does is make my head swim with questions I don't know the answers to, and maybe don't want to know the answers to... like if the way you are holding me right now is the way you hold her." I should have just stuck with the "because you aren't my boyfriend" line of response, but it is hard to think of these things when you are caught off guard that early in the morning!

He said he doesn't hold her like he holds me, he doesn't rub her back because she doesn't even like it for some reason. I said that's fine, I don't actually want to talk about her right now, I just have those kinds of thoughts and it bothers me. He got a little defensive then and pointed out I was the one who brought her up.

I admitted that yes, I brought her up, but wish I hadn't. I wish she never had to be a topic of discussion in our lives, but that wasn't my decision. He said something like "he didn't come home early to get lectured, he came home because he missed me a little." I told him I miss him too, but I am not interested anymore in being intimate with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

He said something about being confused and not really knowing what he wants. I said I understand he doesn't really know what he wants, but in this I know what I want, and it isn't settling for less than I deserve. So he said fine, he would leave me alone then and let me go back to sleep. (Needless to say, I did not succeed in going back to sleep... my mind spun for hours until I got up).

I kept up with the not cooking thing. The first couple days he went and ate out. Yesterday he made himself a PB and J sandwich. TODAY he made a lunch for all three of us. It kind of shocked me actually.

So I thanked him for lunch and gave him space and peace the rest of the day.

Trying to just give space, do my own thing. Emotionally I feel pretty strong at the moment. I am trying to STFU and have NO expectations... I am actually a little scared at the "positive" signs. I was prepared to see him go angry and distant and maybe even threaten to move out.