Oh and about her changing her last name. Give it some time before you bring it up. You are still very caught up with your emotions. THey may or may not be what's driving your need for her to change her name.
FYI. I'm Chicana and most of the women in my family didn't change their name. In my defense, it's hurts my credentials. Everyone at my work knew me by my last name. If I change it, they won't know who I am unless they say my maiden name. Also, doesn't mean she loves you any less...
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Lots has happened! All very positive, thankfully. Ill write a long update in about two hours so pls check back.
Stay with me everyone...this is developing quickly.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
So New Years vacation was very nice! Went out of town and stayed at a hotel in a quiet beach town. It was nice to relax and get away with W after all we have both been through. We both avoided the R talk and just really took the time to bond.
Then Jan 2nd in the evening, we ended up in the R talk. We talked from 9pm to 3:30am! We covered so much ground that it would be impossible to tell you all that was said. But here are the highlights.
She admitted OM was WAY lesser than I am. She admitted she new this from the start, and that she wanted someone who never in his wildest dreams would dream of being with someone like her. She felt I was too good for her, and she feels she isnt good enough for me. I GIVE HER THE FEELING I SHE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! Need to explore this.
She admitted it was the silliest thing she has ever done in her life. She says she has not been emotionally invested in it for about 3 months now. Fits in my timeline of when I felt she began to move towards me. Less time with OM, more time at home etc.
She thought I didnt love her. And the way I acted during her A showed her that I did love her. When I mentioned that some people wanted me to kick you out of the house because you were actively seeing someone else, she said she is glad I didnt because that would have cemented in her mind that I didnt love her.
She was shocked at my knowledge of affairs. The affairing down, the stages of emotions (denial, anger, resentment, acceptance), the fact that OM is most likely a narcissist, etc.
She is now completely over him. She says she has barely thought of him since. No desire to see him or even think about him at all.
She keeps mentioning that she wants to spend time with me. Keeps telling her mom to take D3 so we can "spend more time together".
Is very spologetic that she put me through this. Doesnt really know why she chose this path. Admits she is broken and that she needs to take a good look at herself. Knows she cannot love me or anyone else until she loves herself. Admits extremely low self esteem. Cannot believe she stooped as low as OM. Cannot believe she almost let someone like that be D3's step dad. Was apologetic when I told her that D3 calling "Someone as low as that, daddy" was my biggest fear and a nightmare to deal with. When I joked and said at least you could have found someone respectable she said yes, that was silly and stupid and low.
There was much more, and no doubt I will remember more and post more about this "TALK". If anyone has questions to jolt my memory please post them.
At 3:30am I told her we should get to bed because D3 will be up soon. I went into "my" rooom (our room) and lit some candles and put on some relaxing music and went to lay down. She came into the room shortly after and casually took her clothes off and slipped into bed. She initiated cuddling and spooning. As I hugged her and we layed together slightly just enjoying the moment, I heard her sob a little. Then she squeezed really tight. It was a nice moment of relief for both of us.
Next day she admitted that was a nice talk. She feels she is depressed and has no desire to do anything. She doesnt want to work, and when I mentioned that she was hyper ventilating a little. Seems to be a huge stressor for her.
No laundry done since that day. Its piled up so high now that I'm going to take a stab at doing some of it for her. She has been cleaning the house, and playing with D3 and I, but I can tell she is very low energy right now. I told her that was probably to be expected, and that I would try to help her get back to her usual self. I also recommended she talk with her mom (who is over joyed that we may be able to piece back our marriage).
I also laid out what I believe I need in order to feel good about trying our marriage out. I told her I had a lot of required readings for when she is ready. I told her that I needed to see her try to make it up to me (which she agreed). Also, in return, I promised to try to listen better to what she asks of me, and to show her that I love her. I told her to please LET ME KNOW how to make her feel loved. She said she will think about that. I told her that 5LL is one of my required readings, and that I have the book for when she is ready. Im not going to push her, this is all at her pace.
She is out now with a MARRIED girlfriend of ours. Her and her husband have become our good friends during this crisis and I think she is a good person for W to spend more time with. This lady is a successful wonman who is very well educated and has a nice quiet life. Wife admitted and agreed that she has too many guy friends and that she often times is overstepping the boundary. Admitted she needed to work on her own personal boundaries in order to make sure this doesnt happen again.
The most important thing I have gotten out of her in the last couple of days, and the point that I want to focus on, and that I need help with is.....
Even though our marriage was SSM with her being HD and me LD, and I thought her chief complaint was sex, she says the A was not about the Sex, it was about the emotional needs. He made her feel good about herself. I need to learn to do this, quickly! And learn to make conversation that stimulates a womans emotions and satisfies her need for intimate conversation. Thats the key, she says...INTIMATE CONVERSATION.
Comments? Advice? Input?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
"she says the A was not about the Sex, it was about the emotional needs. He made her feel good about herself. I need to learn to do this, quickly!"
You do realize that this is something I and a ton of other posters had told you was the issue in the beginning but you refused to listen. Instead you lectured about social attitudes, Western attitudes, etc. You inflated your own situation so much that you never worked on the ONE thing we all said you should do. Learn how to emotionally connect with your W.
This isn't something that you can just learn overnight. You are seriously going to have to listen to her needs and what she tries to tell you between the lines. BTW, you spent so much time reading BS about "attraction" and how to be "alpha" that you overlooked the simple fact that your W just wanted to be understood.
That's what needs to happen.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Actually I would seriously say that the two of you need to go to C to learn how to actually communicate and listen to one another. Have her choose the C she is comfortable with and maybe you start getting into understanding INTIMACY rather than sex. THAT is what she wants.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And I will practice being humble by admitting to all that MrBond and gabbysmom said. I made a mistake by not listening to you and not focusing on what you suggested.
I did and practice listening and validating but that's not going to be enough. She did say I seemed better at listening, but I think there is room for improvement.
During our chat I told her several times that I'm sorry she felt less than me. I told her that I hope I have demonstrated my love thru my actions during thr A...
I said that I made a choice every morning to love you regardless od the situation.
In any case, I am here now. I'm at a place where I need to learn what is intimacy and how do you partake in it.
Sometimes we have an awkward silence now and I'm worried she will think this looks just like the old marriage.
Where can I read about intimacy conversation? Who writes about this topic?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
One more question. She still sleeps in th guest room, although we kiss and hug all the time now. I haven't really asked her to come sleep in our beroom, or told her not to. I wanted to leave it up to her. But I'm worried that she feels she needs an invitation. Any comments?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
