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[Ambivalent]

I do think that you have some resentment towards your h. You continue to bring up the stripper incident. Did you not forgive him for this? If not, it's festering and you need to find a way to release that resentment. It's eating at you. What has happened in the past can't be fixed, but what happens in the present is a gift and one that you can work on fixing those things that you don't like or feel comfortable with. Use the gift of time to help YOU.

I actually did forgive him. I told him how I felt, what it said to me, and how I was concerned for our safety... Forgiving and forgetting are different things. Prior to this , the stripper really wasn't even a thought.

I read his recount of things and go down memory lane too. Then some stuff rears it's head. I don't have ANY resentment for what he did there. It was stupid, thoughtless, and eons ago, but it was something he actually did. I didn't beat him up for it, didn't bring it up , did here, but not in our marriage. It was done...period.

Where it bothered me in my rant/venting was the forgetting of the constant work I did do, and to minimize it while telling me I should have done more. I have not rehashed the past, yet he now feels compelled to when we both agreed it only serves to bring about anger and blame. Now he is going back on that and spewing, while to DB, I must bite my tongue, suck it up, all the while I get ill from holding everything in.

I can't say anything for it would only cause a tirade, or " push him away" . I won't get a chance to discuss how I felt, the hurt, pain, rejection...

I can't even do it if there is a reconciliation, for again what good will it do, the past is the past? So I'm frustrated, and trying to vent . I'm angry because I may not express myself. It takes me back to my childhood. I wasn't allowed to vent or express my anger or hurt, without being backhanded, punished or told to stop being a baby, stop crying.

This is how the passive aggression starts. One is stifled and then it comes out somewhere, eventually. He is spewing because he needs to vent, get it out. I end up being the bunching bag. I'm tired of this process.

If there was a guarantee, I would take it over and over. There isn't so it makes it so difficult to absorb. I'm going to go dance now...I really need to burn off some frustration.