2014 ... I am glad that it is finally here. As much as I am scared about what the future may hold, I am actually really glad to be done with 2013. 2013 was the worst year of my life. And guess what - I survived. It may have been really ugly at times, but I made it.

After my NYD breakdown, I knew that I really needed to sit down and sit out my accomplishments over the past six months and my goals over the upcoming months. I often find myself so engrossed in "when will this be over and when will I be happy again" that I forgot how far I have come.

Then: I was a complete basket case. I cried every day for hours on end.
Now: I appropriately control my emotion. I allow myself to process the pain and anger, but I don't wallow.

Then: I was in so much paid that I actually contemplated on a daily basis whether I wanted to live. My kids saved me.
Now: I cannot even fathom thinking like that.

Then: I was controlling and very quick to say no.
Now: For the first time in my life, I LIVE life to the fullest. I soak in every moment. I act silly with my kids because I can. We play outside in the rain just because. I dressed up as Catwoman on Halloween to make the kids laugh. H even mentioned that he sees a huge difference in how I approach lie. I have no idea why I was so controlling before.

Then: I was entitled and thought that I was owed certain things (being a SAHM, having a daughter ,etc.). I thought that I would never find happiness until I got these things.
Now: I fully appreciate everything in my life and I no longer feel like anything is missing (with the exception of H).

Then: I hated my job because I had always assumed I would be a SAHM.
Now: I enjoy my job for what it is (still don't love it but I just don't think that I love being a lawyer). I am proud that my boys know that mommy works hard. I appreciate that I have earned a lot of respect at my firm, which provides me with several perks (flexible hours, work from home, etc).

Then: After two years of being torn apart by my H, I had no self-confidence. In the effort to justify his affair, H made me feel horrible. He was overly critical (H would make comments about my weight/body despite the fact that after all three pregnancies I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within days of giving birth). I actually believe my H.
Now: I know that I am attractive. My confidence has returned. I am at my lowest weight since we got married. I am in shape. I take time to do my hair/makeup. I was super self conscious about my breasts post babies, so I put aside my bonus money from this year that I received from making my hours and had surgery. I never thought that I would do that (let alone admit it to anyone), but you know what, I am proud because I did it all by myself, for myself. My H knew about it, but I did not consult him because it really had nothing to do with him. I knew that in order to start a new relationship (whether it be with H or someone else), I needed to do this for myself to feel attractive again.

Then: My H and I could not be in the same room. Just taking about logistics and the kids caused WW3.
Now: H and I are amazing co-parents. We can spend the day as a family and actually enjoy our time together. If it was not for the OW, I honestly think that H and I could be friends again too.

Then: H was angry, bitter and resentful.
Now: The anger and resentment are gone.

Then: H refused to go to counseling
Now: H has been going to IC for four months

Then: I had lost all contact with friends. I had no life, no hobbies.
Now: I take yoga every Wed night. I have reconnected with old friends. I have started making new friends. I have a social life. H used to complain that I had nothing to bring to the table, no where to invite him along with me. That is no longer the case.

Then: I snooped and was obsessed with finding out information regarding OW.
Now: I have stopped mentioning OW and have stopped snooping. I actually just completely got off FB because I realized that I was driving myself insane for no reason.

Then: I blamed H and could not see my role in the end of the M.
Now: I know what part I played in the end of the M. I also have come to realize that it is not all my fault. H and I both played a part. My part also did not excuse how my H acted and id not excuse his A.

Then: I was desperate to save my M.
Now: I acknowledge that my M ended years ago. I realize that I was letting fear of my marriage ending was holding me back. I am starting to let go because I am not trying to save something that cannot be saved. My biggest fear of my marriage ending already happened. Now I just need to move forward. I have stopped wearing my ring. However, I have not given up hope that I will start a new relationship with H.

Then: H and I wanted to kill each other.
Now: There is an undeniable, positive connection between us. It had been covered up by pain and anger and resentment, but I can see it is there. I am not sure what will happen, but it is definitely better than before.

I am so proud of my journey so far. I know that I have a long way to go. There have been a million bumps along the way, but I know that I am a better, stronger person today.

I still need to write down my goals for the next few weeks. But I am heading out to see a movie so I will have to work on that later.