i know, the tiredness. i think, honestly, it is a bit of depression. it doesn't stop me really - i am sometimes just running around like a nut on empty. i just have to keep going- and keep busy too. if not, i think. waking up in nitetime my brain gets going down "that road" - eeeeek- the thinking and thinking and being outraged allover again.
see- if left to my own devices my poor brain is angry. In the day i don't think i'm too rabid. who knowsZ???
it's sure a tough one to live thru and with.
the $$ [- i run hot and cold on the issue. i know everyone says 'GET A PLAN. MY Plan is exercise every day and try to stay healthy, sane & save whatever $$ comes mhy way-live modestly- and whatever happens next, i'll deal with it as it unfolds. this past year- everyone sick & dying- none of it according to "plan". i am not convinced a "plan" matters in life unless you can guarantee & orchestrate every person's part in it. i cannot.
i do not pretend to have a plan. mwd in one of her books says never act on your feelings - feelings change minute to minute- depending on all sorts of things. it's so true. i like this notion quite alot. tread lightly....
i'd like to plan to get a very high paying job that i love and be financially independent. will it happen- probably not. i susp[ect people throw away my resume when they realize i have waaay too much experience to be 20 and cute as a button & cheap also. it's not pretty out there. , my plan would also include "buns of steel" and also a face lift, body lift, and spirit lift. oh yeah-pplease do not forget a six pack. always wanted one- begin exercising all the time- fizzle all the time too.
myh bod isn't bad - slim - could wear a bikini and not leave people blind. am not "young" tho, and it's plain for all the world to see. i do laugh alot- so any aspiring comedian would love me for a sidekick.
idk- i could die in my sleep tonite- what would/could my plan possibly be? (that is achievable for certain?)( my mom could live ten more years- she could die tonite(she's 89 ) how extensive a plan do i make. i do need to figure out some stuff & strategy about her & care. i procrastinate like mad about everything- giant flaw. on the other hand = if i did, in fact, die tonite; i'll be mighty glad i fiddled around goofing off the last day of my life rather than working hard looking up stupid old elder law crappola.
I seem to be soooo done with my "dutiful daughter" portion of the show. it's okay- i've been a giant sap for alot of my life, well, all of my life. time to give that woman a vacation from guilt. (project in the works)
my h- i still can't figure out if he's just a terrible person and i somehow never saw it- or he's a wonderful person being controllled by serious neurosis and all his past baggage come to the surface. idk-
i don't think he knows. i have a serious problem believing this ow is REALLY such a huge love of his life. if she were- how can he NOT go and sign up immediately and not toss me out of his life in favor of her? I'm askin. he sure does think she's the most important thing in his life - whatta dope. imho...... i don't actually think a miracle is going to happen- i just can't yet believe i hate him enough to want him out of my life-TOTALLY. (yet)
i'm screwed up for sure about it- don't care to nite. yay..U
IT WOULD seem dutiful daughter has hooked up with dutiful spouse and they've taken a slow boat to tahiti. mia and good riddance to them. . okay- free woman here , in a dark room with the lit tree & lites on front porch just outside the window- looking cute with snow & fretwork - feeling uncharacteristically & mysteriously calm.
glad to be alive with a cute little house to be in. faith? ya think? is it a good thing to just have faith - in general? i'll be cryin the blues when it all blows apart- but for now, til it does, i'm chillin i think. smart or dopey>>??????- In the end - all will be revealed.
xxoo have a great nite/day and maybe a tipple of wine & peice of candy. (sin of choice)
