Aw, 3boyz, I just couldn't sign off and not come over to see what was on your plate today. Hugs to you!
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I know that this is completely against DBing, but I sent him an email telling him my feelings and about what S4 said. I just knew that I could not smile and pretend I was ok when H showed up for "family time." H actually thanked me for the email. He said that it meant a lot to him because he could see that I was vulnerable and not pointing fingers.
Well, how about this? Kudos to you! Sure looks like your H respected your feelings and you must have worded it well enough that he could see this. I honestly think you did fine. And for the record, if your path is anything like mine, don't expect it to be the last time. If anything, 3boyz, it helped both of us understand where we were and what the truth was at that given moment.
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It is so hard because H says that there is nothing wrong with me. That I am an amazing person. He is clearly attracted to me. When we ML last week, it was so passionate. Yet, H still does not want to come back.
What I hope you can take from this is that you don't have to be anyone other than who you are. He is clearly not in a good place, and you shouldn't doubt that you are wonderful, passionate, attractive and a good mom.
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For the first time, I took off my wedding rings and put them away. The attachment to the rings and to what we used to have is holding me back. Although the rings have become a symbol of unhappiness and distrust, it was my safety blanket. I had been telling myself that I was wearing them as a reminder of the commitment that I made before God to uphold my vows. But I know that God does not see to see the physical symbol of my commitment. I am finally ready to let go.
FWIW, I had to do this for the same reasons. As long as I had my beautiful ring on my finger, I could lie to myself. When I took them off, it was like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. It reminded me that no matter what my last name is, I was still Betsey, and to Betsey I was true. Obviously, it didn't change the legal aspects or the moral ones, but by having a naked hand, it made me accountable to ME how I was ME. Damn, does this make sense? From that point forward, I had to prioritize Betsey over H. Because in the end, I have to have my own back first.
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All of this combined with my fear of what may happen in 2014 sent me over the edge.
Ok, now that I've established the fact that I'm old and have almost 20 years on you and have developed an anxiety disorder over the years, I can say this one with complete confidence. So I'm stating this because I'm a living lesson in this. Living in fear is a crappy way to live. Almost anything nowadays can send you scampering back to a hole. Wait until your adorable boys are bigger! I've found the best way to manage that fear and anxiety is to give it a voice. Allow it to speak. Then the adult you can talk back to it and tell it that you hear it, and take comments into consideration but that you get to decide how you're going to live. Fear is natural. But you know the worst part about fear? It isn't if it comes true... it's just imagining the path in between.
Hope you have something fun in store this weekend. You deserve it!
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
