An End/Beginning of Year Update

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I haven't written much recently. And as we approach the end of a calendar year and the beginning of another, I thought I'd post a personal update.

The "significance" of the December 31/January 1 crossover date was that I once pointed out to my wife that if she honestly wanted to say that we had sex once per year, that if we were sexually engaged before and after midnight, she wouldn't have to be sexually engaged for another two years (on that same bridge night) to keep to the claim that we had sex at least once each calendar year.

There was a time when we would ring-in the New Year in bed with each other, making love. But that was decades ago.

So, to the update:

No change here. According to my countdown app on my phone (which can also show time elapsed) it has been 6,113 days since the last time I had sex (or more than 146,712 hours and counting). But who is counting?

Actually, I've accepted what I knew nearly 17 years ago: to stay married (without divorce) meant that the rest of our lives (hers or mine, whichever came to an end first) in this marriage would be sexless.

We just don't talk about it any longer. I am not "hopeful" that something I will do or something about my way of "being" will suddenly flip a switch somewhere and re-spark "desire."

Whether that is just the day-to-day living, or the time I've spent with her related to two hospital stays and her recovery from those medical circumstances, nothing will have that effect. In the couple of weeks I've spent in the hospital with her, I realize that there is care and love on my part. I also realize that what is missing is a degree of intimacy that grows out of and from sexual intimacy.

So, what has changed:

I have moved from living primarily on the lower floor of the house to living out of one of the guest bedrooms (that has it's own bathroom).

I have completed my weight-loss journey. Much of my weight gain came after she chose to end sex in the marriage (I remember the "why bother" to take care of myself moment if there was nothing, including physical appearance that would bring back sexual desire). Most of my life HAS NOT been about being overweight, though getting older and less active also has had its impact.

My weight has been in the 167-170 pound range for more than a year. I have been as low as 165 pounds (4 pounds heavier than when my current wife and I met).

I began my exercise (walking and hiking) regime in 2008, but got serious about it in 2010. Last year, on the 16th anniversary of my last sexual interlude, I ran a 10K race (my first race since 1985) without any preparation or training. I did quite well even though it made me realize that there were other muscles I was not building up through my walks and hikes. I added running a day or two a week to my exercise regime.

In the month following the race, a couple of my coworkers who have run marathons started talking to me about running a marathon or half-marathon. I began a six-month marathon training program with the gradual buildup in long-mileage runs, knowing that I could always set my sights a little lower for the half-marathon distance (13.1 miles). At the end of August, I signed up for my first marathon (again knowing that I could opt for the lower mileage distance) and I ran my first marathon (at age 60) in early November.

Let me say that running 26.2 miles is really, really hard. It is both a physical and mental challenge. But let me also say that the way I ran it, staying within the training I did, I came away with an immense feeling of satisfaction without feeling totally wasted. And although I told my wife that I was training for the marathon with the option of running the half if training did not go well enough, it did not dawn on her until the day before I ran that I really had trained enough to do this (my training schedule was not disruptive to my other day-to-day activities).

I will be running two more in early 2014 as well as an assortment of other races through the end of April.

When I renewed my driver's license, the weight loss from the previous picture was obvious. Pictures of me taken in 1977 (when I ran fairly frequently) and now show the "same body" (a little saggy in places because of the weight gain and loss). My resting heart rate is between 46 and 50 beats per minute (freaks out EKG machines) and I've dropped my timed mile running speed from 11:40 per mile to 7:40 per mile. I haven't really run the marathon for speed, so much as completing it in decent shape.

My shorter races I have run for speed as I am quite able to place in the top 3 for the 60-64 age group in a number of races.

I've gotten a portion of my life "back" through running.

Well, that's enough for now. Hope you have a Happy New Year.

The Captain

[DaddyLongShanks]

I haven't written much recently. And as we approach the end of a calendar year and the beginning of another, I thought I'd post a personal update.

The "significance" of the December 31/January 1 crossover date was that I once pointed out to my wife that if she honestly wanted to say that we had sex once per year, that if we were sexually engaged before and after midnight, she wouldn't have to be sexually engaged for another two years (on that same bridge night) to keep to the claim that we had sex at least once each calendar year.

Sounds like some straight up LD logic.

There was a time when we would ring-in the New Year in bed with each other, making love. But that was decades ago.

Steamy and intense sex sessions, before you had the concept that it could be taken away.

So, to the update:

No change here. According to my countdown app on my phone (which can also show time elapsed) it has been 6,113 days since the last time I had sex (or more than 146,712 hours and counting). But who is counting?

I think your situaion is similar to a male who has a penoctomy, should he not allow his wife the pleasure of sexual gratification. And even if he is willing to perform oral copulation, should he allow her to be removed from true PIV intercourse for the rest of her life?

Actually, I've accepted what I knew nearly 17 years ago: to stay married (without divorce) meant that the rest of our lives (hers or mine, whichever came to an end first) in this marriage would be sexless.

I think around three years is long enough to be in a true sexless position, until you decide it's not the way you want to live your life. At some point you would do like the old days and take on a lover to satisfy the need, or you would leave and let her be with someone she is sexually compatible with.

We just don't talk about it any longer. I am not "hopeful" that something I will do or something about my way of "being" will suddenly flip a switch somewhere and re-spark "desire."

After seventeen years, there is nothing that probably would flip the switch. Does the switch work with other people? Is she attracted to women?

Whether that is just the day-to-day living, or the time I've spent with her related to two hospital stays and her recovery from those medical circumstances, nothing will have that effect. In the couple of weeks I've spent in the hospital with her, I realize that there is care and love on my part. I also realize that what is missing is a degree of intimacy that grows out of and from sexual intimacy.

So, what has changed:

I have moved from living primarily on the lower floor of the house to living out of one of the guest bedrooms (that has it's own bathroom).

It's a degraded position. However sleeping outside of the bed is better than sleeping in the bed with someone who doesn't want you in there. IN your situation if she would allow spooning intimacy on the way to sleep, I think you should take it.

I have completed my weight-loss journey. Much of my weight gain came after she chose to end sex in the marriage (I remember the "why bother" to take care of myself moment if there was nothing, including physical appearance that would bring back sexual desire). Most of my life HAS NOT been about being overweight, though getting older and less active also has had its impact.

My weight has been in the 167-170 pound range for more than a year. I have been as low as 165 pounds (4 pounds heavier than when my current wife and I met).

Congrats, so weight is definately not an issue, and you feel good about your body image.

I began my exercise (walking and hiking) regime in 2008, but got serious about it in 2010. Last year, on the 16th anniversary of my last sexual interlude, I ran a 10K race (my first race since 1985) without any preparation or training. I did quite well even though it made me realize that there were other muscles I was not building up through my walks and hikes. I added running a day or two a week to my exercise regime.

In the month following the race, a couple of my coworkers who have run marathons started talking to me about running a marathon or half-marathon. I began a six-month marathon training program with the gradual buildup in long-mileage runs, knowing that I could always set my sights a little lower for the half-marathon distance (13.1 miles). At the end of August, I signed up for my first marathon (again knowing that I could opt for the lower mileage distance) and I ran my first marathon (at age 60) in early November.

Great success.

Let me say that running 26.2 miles is really, really hard. It is both a physical and mental challenge. But let me also say that the way I ran it, staying within the training I did, I came away with an immense feeling of satisfaction without feeling totally wasted. And although I told my wife that I was training for the marathon with the option of running the half if training did not go well enough, it did not dawn on her until the day before I ran that I really had trained enough to do this (my training schedule was not disruptive to my other day-to-day activities).

I will be running two more in early 2014 as well as an assortment of other races through the end of April.

When I renewed my driver's license, the weight loss from the previous picture was obvious. Pictures of me taken in 1977 (when I ran fairly frequently) and now show the "same body" (a little saggy in places because of the weight gain and loss). My resting heart rate is between 46 and 50 beats per minute (freaks out EKG machines) and I've dropped my timed mile running speed from 11:40 per mile to 7:40 per mile. I haven't really run the marathon for speed, so much as completing it in decent shape.

Add 10 pounds of muscle in appropriate regions of the body to make up for the "slaack. It's possible you can look better and be quite a bit stronger than you were before.

My shorter races I have run for speed as I am quite able to place in the top 3 for the 60-64 age group in a number of races.

I've gotten a portion of my life "back" through running.

Well, that's enough for now. Hope you have a Happy New Year.

The Captain

Congrats captain. I still hope that you do not live the rest of your life sexless. You are missing a part of the essense that a man should have, it is blessed to him through a woman.

[lovethehub]

How is your relationship otherwise? Is it good but with no sex (that doesn't sound too good)? You live in separate bedrooms? Are you happy living this way?

[ssmguy]

Actually, I've accepted what I knew nearly 17 years ago: to stay married (without divorce) meant that the rest of our lives (hers or mine, whichever came to an end first) in this marriage would be sexless.

Forgive me if we're going over old ground here... But if you and your wife know this, why would she object to you having a little friend with benefits on the side as long as it didn't disrupt any other aspect of your marriage? If you go out somewhere for a few hours in a context where your wife can't see a reason for it, does she quiz you and insist on knowing what you did?

[adinva]

Why do you count the minutes since you last had sex? I hope you'll forgive my curiosity but it seems almost like you find some pleasure in that very big number.

I am nowhere near 17 years, and hope it doesn't end up being that long, or maybe it will be forever, who knows. But I put it out of my mind and I don't think about it. I can tell you within plus or minus six months but can't be sure of the date or the year without going back over my journals, which I don't do.

Is keeping track of it on your stopwatch giving you a sense of pride in your sacrifice, or is it needlessly torturing yourself?

I'm wondering if I'm weird or, well, how come we have such different opinions about focusing on painful things.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Actually, I've accepted what I knew nearly 17 years ago: to stay married (without divorce) meant that the rest of our lives (hers or mine, whichever came to an end first) in this marriage would be sexless.

Forgive me if we're going over old ground here... But if you and your wife know this, why would she object to you having a little friend with benefits on the side as long as it didn't disrupt any other aspect of your marriage? If you go out somewhere for a few hours in a context where your wife can't see a reason for it, does she quiz you and insist on knowing what you did?

I think that anyone who puts their spouse or long term relationship partner in a sexless or affectionless position, should expect and allow this. It is the sane thing to do.

If you CANNOT have sex, there are other ways to please your partner sexually.

Someone who refuses to do it, is denying their partner affection and kindess which they should be allowed to recieve unless they are truly a detestable character.

Duty sex is better than no sex at all, some people just don't have the desire, and some people don't have the desire, but there are triggers and buttons which can start the fires.

Some people are just selfish and using their spouse for emotional and financial support, while they live their own independant life, they really don't care about their spouse.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

How is your relationship otherwise? Is it good but with no sex (that doesn't sound too good)? You live in separate bedrooms? Are you happy living this way?

It is as if I was living with a female housemate that I liked very much but that I was careful to keep strictly friendly and not intimate.

I won't say that I am "happy" with this arrangement, but it keeps the peace. And it allows her to sleep undisturbed with the full width of the queen size bed in the master bedroom.

The Captain

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Why do you count the minutes since you last had sex? I hope you'll forgive my curiosity but it seems almost like you find some pleasure in that very big number.

I am nowhere near 17 years, and hope it doesn't end up being that long, or maybe it will be forever, who knows. But I put it out of my mind and I don't think about it. I can tell you within plus or minus six months but can't be sure of the date or the year without going back over my journals, which I don't do.

Is keeping track of it on your stopwatch giving you a sense of pride in your sacrifice, or is it needlessly torturing yourself?

I'm wondering if I'm weird or, well, how come we have such different opinions about focusing on painful things.

I am being a bit facetious and a bit sarcastic by giving the minutes (and yes, it is a big number).

I know when the last time we had sex because of it's timing relative to Easter in 1997 and the fact that her mother suffered a stroke only a few weeks later. I know the date of the big blow up because it was Veteran's Day in 1997. I know within a week of when she said she was not willing to be sexual any longer because I/we were preparing to teach a course together and this matter was "settled" before we started.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Why do you count the minutes since you last had sex? I hope you'll forgive my curiosity but it seems almost like you find some pleasure in that very big number.

I am nowhere near 17 years, and hope it doesn't end up being that long, or maybe it will be forever, who knows. But I put it out of my mind and I don't think about it. I can tell you within plus or minus six months but can't be sure of the date or the year without going back over my journals, which I don't do.

Is keeping track of it on your stopwatch giving you a sense of pride in your sacrifice, or is it needlessly torturing yourself?

I'm wondering if I'm weird or, well, how come we have such different opinions about focusing on painful things.

I am being a bit facetious and a bit sarcastic by giving the minutes (and yes, it is a big number).

I know when the last time we had sex because of it's timing relative to Easter in 1997 and the fact that her mother suffered a stroke only a few weeks later. I know the date of the big blow up because it was Veteran's Day in 1997. I know within a week of when she said she was not willing to be sexual any longer because I/we were preparing to teach a course together and this matter was "settled" before we started.

That's a long time my man. Your story is still inspiring that you have been able to assemble great strength and will power in the face of being sexless.

You are a candidate for a FWB or a divorce, were over 15 years ago. Everyone doesn't have to understand.

I don't think you will be happy coming closer to the death bead realizing you cheated YOURSELF out of a sex life because the wife didn't want to.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Actually, I've accepted what I knew nearly 17 years ago: to stay married (without divorce) meant that the rest of our lives (hers or mine, whichever came to an end first) in this marriage would be sexless.

Forgive me if we're going over old ground here... But if you and your wife know this, why would she object to you having a little friend with benefits on the side as long as it didn't disrupt any other aspect of your marriage? If you go out somewhere for a few hours in a context where your wife can't see a reason for it, does she quiz you and insist on knowing what you did?

I believe I've said something like this before. Let me clarify this a bit. What I was attempting to convey was, at the time, I realized it was highly unlikely that there would ever be a time that we would be sexually intimate again. Why would I have thought that at the time? I knew my wife.

That was what I had learned about her from 1986 through 1998. In particular, that is what I had learned from before we were married in 1992 into 1998. And my assessment at the time was that it was probably okay, from her POV, that the sexual component be entirely removed from our relationship. It was not okay with me because I was the one who had both complained about the dramatic decrease in sexual intimacy and the longer spans between such encounters AND was attempting to negotiate some agreement between the tow of us that would keep our sex lives from becoming a victim of "insufficient time" spent on that part of our relationship.

As I have said before, I never imagined that six months after the "big blow up" that she would outright reject any level of sexual intimacy.

There are a couple of things about friends with benefits. First, regardless of the sex moratorium which she imposed, any sexual affair is an immediate marriage ender as far as she is concerned. Its the condition she has always maintained (and I think I know why from her own past). She recently verified that is still true for her (which came about as a part of an accusation associated with my weight loss and physical restoration). Second, I have never expressed any reciprocal assured marriage destruction in the event of an affair.

So, if one day I decide I have finally had enough with this sexless marriage, a sexual "affair" is my ace in the hole to make sure that I actually have a set of conditions prescribed by her to make sure that it ends. In response, I pointed that out that knowing that, "I am still here."

Of course, I made a promise some time ago not to idly threaten to leave the marriage. The explicit effect is that if ending the marriage comes up for discussion, it is not a threat, it is a reality that has no warning and no negotiation. It is would be analogous to nuclear criticality. I reminded her of that. It wouldn't take me being involved with someone, even casually, to end the marriage. But I have more than one way to make sure it ends if I choose to exercise that option.

And yes, she does want to know where I go. Since completing my first marathon and having some sense of what I actually have to do to train, it has reduced some of the (accusatory) inquiry. I do give her some sense of the route I am taking and how long I will be gone, particularly for those long training runs that are getting to the 15-26 mile range. Those are such intentionally slow runs that being gone between 4-6 hours is a requirement of the training.

I don't "hope" for her to change her mind as I know there is nothing that I can do to have that happen.

The Captain