Still reflecting on the situation. Please bear with me, mulling details over and the verbal diarrhea...
As it stands she literally feels suffocated by her life...not necessarily by me. I think I can see now how the sitch was triggered. She had made a routine where she escaped the life she couldn't live with, letting me be the one to cover for her. When I couldn't do it anymore (I really couldn't, my life had become extremely lonely; I was frustrated, sad, alone) I confronted her on how I need help. At that point we hit a crossroad. I couldn't enable her escape, she couldn't avoid it anymore. That's when she went to a place that made her feel forced to leave.
I know she didn't hate me, she just couldn't stay anymore. She's been loving and supportive of my feelings and situation from the beginning, she just felt she couldn't stay anymore. I think she explained it to me the whole time, I was just too emotionally retarded to understand.
So far DB'ing has been the right way to go. Give her space, be available and attentive when she approaches. So far it's been a screaming success (in DB terms of course, to anyone on the outside it's an amazing failure).
She's become available to talk and at times capable of coming to the house for socializing. this afternoon we spoke quickly about how she needed me to pick up the kids earlier so she can have dinner with a girlfriend. I explained I can't leave work early but that she can bring them to the house when she needs, I'll make sure to get there ASAP. This was respected and appreciated. I even went so far as to wish her a nice time with her friend. She responded by explaining the reason it was important for her and I agree, this is important. We chatted a bit, she then asked about my plans for the weekend (very new of her to ask). When she understood that part of my plans was to take down Christmas stuff, she asked if she could come. Of course I agreed, I'm even rescheduling that plan to include her. This sounds like nothing to others, but the change in attitude, respect and desire to be a part of family life is huge compared to 6 months ago.
So now she's starting to feel able to approach. It changes nothing about the living situation, that's a symptom of the larger problem...not the problem itself.
I *guess*...big emphasis on *guess*...that now the strategy is to let her feel more and more comfortable. Let her feel out how she can feel comfortable as part of the family again. I will be available to help. I can't enable like I once did, but we'll figure something out if we can.
You have no idea how much better I feel about this now. Thanks for your impressive attention span if you've been able to read this whole thing LOL!
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
