CC, I am sorry that he's letting you and most importantly, your children down. Please keep your expectations at zero. I know you've been doing this and w/the holidays, you had hoped he would be in more contact w/the kids, but he was just too busy w/doing things for himself. I hope that, in time, he'll do better by his kids.
Maybe it would be better if he spent the time w/the kids and you did something else. He's not missing you if you are readily available. Just a suggestion.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm angry he didn't contact the kids on New Year's Day. I'm angry that the kids don't even miss him. I'm angry that they expect him to let them down. I'm angry that my kids are sad and he doesn't know. That they are having nightmares, sleep walking, crying etc and he has no clue. Silly silly man. I know this is all so much more complicated in his head than I could ever imagine but there is a huge part of me that just wants him to wake up and see what he's missing. My two kids are worth more than anything he could possibly be getting elsewhere. I cant even fathom what more than them he could ever want or need.......
I could've written this CC. H hasn't contacted the girls since Christmas Day and that was only a text. They didn't received a Happy New Year's either. H seems to have slithered deeper into his hole after hearing from D11 (she wrote him a letter) how she "doesn't like him or know him." And, my kids seems content without him coming into their lives. When he does come around, he only brings up sad feelings and then disappears again.
He is supposed to visit on Saturday and I'm already dreading it.
I struggled on New Year's Eve with thoughts about how he was spending his time. I was with the kids and he was????
For today, I'm going to try and focus on me, focus on what I can do, work to fend off the thoughts of him and I will just BE the person I want to Be. The woman I want to Be is strong, motivated, capable and busy. That's who I am for today. One day at a time.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm angry he didn't contact the kids on New Year's Day. I'm angry that the kids don't even miss him. I'm angry that they expect him to let them down. I'm angry that my kids are sad and he doesn't know. That they are having nightmares, sleep walking, crying etc and he has no clue. Silly silly man. I know this is all so much more complicated in his head than I could ever imagine but there is a huge part of me that just wants him to wake up and see what he's missing. My two kids are worth more than anything he could possibly be getting elsewhere. I cant even fathom what more than them he could ever want or need.......
CC - I am so sad for your children and for you. They are so little and really just dont understand. I have been dealing with the same anger for the past few days. On NYE, my S4 told me "Dont worry if daddy if not there tonight, I will be the daddy. I am strong, tall and have a shirt just like him. I will be the daddy and take care of you and S3." It broke my heart into a million pieces. A four year old should not have to worry about protecting their family and filling their daddies shoes. Instead of being with his children, H was at a hotel NYE party with his single guy friends drinking the night away and doing who knows what else.
It makes me so angry and so sad to see so many children on this forums suffering. They are suffering and the WAS has no idea. My H is convinced that they will be just fine. Wait until they are old enough to know that our Hs were actually doing when they checked out and where never there.
I have been leaving him with my D's the last few times now that he appears to have passed through his manic stage. Even if I go out a few hours then return. I'm building the time up gradually for my own sanity and confidence. He's still very depressed, I don't want to make any mistakes with my D's. I can see that me distancing myself from him is making him miss me.....but I have to take it slow.
I'm sorry there are so many walk away fathers. How can they not see that it's the kids they are hurting not us. Silly silly men. You don't get these seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years back....they're only young once. They only do something first once. I'm not the one missing that......he is.
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
Even though I spent New Years out with H, who was the one to call the kids at midnight??
Hint; out of two possible parents, it wasn't H.....
Although he is taking S17 for lunch tomorrow.
He is trying to convince S to join a volunteer organization in which H is very active. He says S is not interested.
I said S is, but quit pushing him lol, it's like feeding squirrels or eating vegetables and ignoring your vegetable hating toddler while saying "These adult foods are absolutely delish..What? No, you can't have any they are for big boys only..."
They really blow hot and cold in the parenting division, don't they?
Today my detachment was tested, by my H and me. As was my strength, compassion and love. I think I did a good job but I was spinning for a little while.
My H asked me to go to lunch with him and the kids, he wanted to spend the day together etc. I did go to lunch but just couldn't spend the day with him. The more he spoke of missing time with the family, the more he wanted to come shopping with me etc, the more I realised that I had to leave him alone with the kids. If he really wants to come back then he needs to miss me.
I didn't want him to have the best of both worlds but then I didn't want to control him. So I did what made me feel comfortable, I said No to him kindly and had the afternoon to myself.
I didn't want to spend the day with him, looking at him wondering where he's gone, what he's thinking, whether he wants to come home, does he love me, how long this will go on for etc....
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried that this may push him into the OW arms, but that's his decision. If that's what he wants then I can't stop him.
He spoke again about getting professional help, but has not yet contacted a counsellor. He's exercising again and it seems to be helping him. He's got food issues again, I can see the pattern I've seen before. He's taking his meds, so he says and I believe him, at the moment. He says he cries less, but then cried in the middle of the restaurant when I said I was leaving.
I've asked him if he'd like to meet me and the kids for dinner to celebrate a big event in his life, he agreed and seemed very grateful. I wouldn't normally ask him to do anything with us, unless he's asked to visit, but I felt this event needed to be celebrated. I've left him in control of the details, so I hope he doesn't feel pressured.
I didn't spin too long, that's a good sign. I'm getting there. But I still wonder if he's getting there. I see movement from him. He misses us, he's realising he's lost something special. I wonder if this kicks him back into the replay tunnel or forward out of it.
One thing....I'm not jumping on his rollercoaster. I'm too busy to play!
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
CC, I think you are doing the right thing. Giving him space and distancing yourself a little, making him miss you. This is a very delicate balance to maintain. Your sitch is fairly new, but he is also younger than typical MLCer. So, who knows if he is ready to come out of the replay. I think you need to do what you’ve been doing. If it works, continue doing it, if it doesn’t, you can do something different. Time will tell.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
CC, You are doing great. Continue to do what works and allow him to have all of the space and time he can choke on. Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
