My account has been approved for a few days and I never know what to post as an opener because the status of my relationship seems to change every other day.
I've been with my husband for 14 years. He told me about a year ago that he wanted out. The whole ILYBINILWY statement. He has blamed everything on me saying that I've been distant, cold, removed, withdrawn, neglectful our "entire" relationship for the "whole time". I new we had some intimacy struggles - and with three children, one who has special needs - yes, we had some struggles with our sex life. For the majority of our relationship I was a SAHM, very isolated and definitely depressed. I do work now, but it's very low paying. He has massive anger control issues. Both of us have issues from the past stemming from various traumas and dysfunctional families. Some of his points against me may be valid - but I never realized the severity of the problem or how deep he was hurting. He refuses to see any positive in me and is just damagingly negative daily.
Although, it sounds bleak - I honestly thought that we were solid. We called each other best friend and I thought we truly enjoyed each other's company. I felt completely blindsided by talk of the big D.
Since the initial talk, one year ago we've been up and down. Sometimes it seems he's trying and content, sometimes he seems miserable, sometimes it's status quo. Right now, he seems pretty miserable.
About 2 months ago, he moved out of our room and borrowed a friends futon and set himself up in the den. He's created his own little space in there and says he enjoys the separation. Since then, we've still managed to have some decent times, have maintained a sexual relationship - which actually since the whole thing came to a head, we've had better sex than ever - and we've also hit rock bottom a few times. At this moment, we aren't completely rock bottom - but it's kind of close!
He refuses to leave the house without divorce papers, although, he comes and goes as he pleases. Staying at his gym until late, or out with friends many of the nights. The kids have just kind of gotten used to him not being around, or at dinner. They have a strained to OK relationship with them. I have a solid, in touch, every day relationship with them. He's home maybe 2 nights a week. I would like to try a separation and have him leave - but he said he's not paying all the bills while I enjoy the big house and he sleeps on someone's couch.
We cannot afford a divorce. We can't afford to live separately. Our finances are a tangled mess. It's truly not possible in any sort of timeframe this year. Perhaps in 2015 if we change a lot and focus on paying off massive medical bills... But he has made no plan or effort to actively leave. He manages all the finances so I have no idea what comes in or out.
I'm kind of in the frame of mind that I've basically hit a wall. We tried therapy - he thought it was a crock and was pissed because he felt the counselor was too pro marriage. He did some therapy on his own, which seemed good, but now he's "taking a break" from it. I have been working on myself like crazy to address some of the valid points he's brought up - which is how I've come across these books. I have THE DIVORCE REMEDY on its way - but have read the first chapter and all the associated articles I can get my hands on.
I'm assuming I'm in for the LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE but I am not sure how to implement that when we still live together.
Anyway, even if this doesn't work out - I am looking forward to reading the book and getting the support and doing life changes.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
