What happens when WAS starts viewing increasing detachment as validation as in "see I knew you never cared about me" way. Is this just part of the WAS script?
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Ah Julie, good question. I'll be curious to see some responses.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
My ss15 has been asking a lot of questions. He went to H and H said everything was fine. He didn't believe him. Since he is observant and directly asking I don't want to lie because that will just make it worse for him.
He asked if we were getting a divorce. I said that I didn't want that to happen but if it did we would make sure that he still got to spend time with me and s.
He asked why H was always texting and who he talked to all the time. I said he had some friends we didn't know and if it bothered him to talk to h about it.
He asked why h looked like he didn't care about himself anymore. He asked why h didn't talk to me and why we didn't do stuff as a family anymore. I told him that h was going through some things and we needed to let him work out on his own.
He asked me why I couldn't just tell h that I loved him and wanted to make it better. I tried not to cry but failed.
He asked a lot about h drinking. We talked and I shared my alanon literature with him.
I am not sure what or how much to say when he asks about things. He is very bright and perceptive and i don't want to lie. I haven't said a word to ss18 because he has not approached me.
Also I know ss15 shared some of our conversations with his mother. I am terrified she will make a comment to h. He will be very angry and feel I have saying to much.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I think you did what you had to do. Kids are perceptive-esp at that age. I think it's so cruel that these WAS leave kids with so much confusion
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Today started off bad. H didn't remember that s didn't have school which already had me frustrated because we had spent weeks figuring out how we were going to cover the time off. So be makes up a ridiculous lie about being called into work. Nothing adds up and he didn't even have his work clothes. I foolishly call him on it because I can't take the lying. Why lie at this point.
The good news is that I recognized where I started to let my emotions get out and stopped the argument before it got out of control. I apologized and left the room. My apology may mean nothing to him but it was important for me to notice my old patterns creeping in.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Good job realizing that you were heading down the path of an argument. Sometimes it is just not worth the headache. If you have not done so already, maybe post a calendar in a location where he can see it so that you don't have to constantly remind him (I know that my H hate nagging). If he continues to be unreliable and lie, then maybe you need to just make plans as if he is not going to help. If he asks, just say that you have no problem including him in conversations regarding logistics if he is going to be let you know what he can and can not cover and will actually follow through on his commitments. Otherwise, you need to figure out a plan to make sure everything is covered.
My H used to be the exact same way. I started getting people to cover to make sure that someone would be there to watch the kids. I stopped asking him because he was so unreliable. Eventually he wanted the time with the kids. I said no problem so long as you don't back out. He now puts everything on his calendar, shows up when he needs to be there. He has stepped up and I no longer have to nag/argue.
Hey Julie, I've had the same thing happen, too. I did like 3 and just stopped asking H for anything. I make arrangements for kids and errands that do not include him. Recently, he's asked to be more involved with the kids and has even done a thing or 2 around the house.
Great catch on the oncoming argument. It is very difficult to have that kind of self control when the lies are so obvious. Star for you today
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
So I go along everyday really trying to be a better person. I am learning to think and not just react. I am trying to live more in the moment and not think 10 steps ahead. I am trying tobe the best mom I can be. I am trying to be more light hearted and fun. .. and then I get hit with a blatant reminder of OW and it just hurts.
H hasn't had a drink in 3 days as his New Years resolution. He is still just as into her and just as done with me and today it just hurts.
I am still giving myself a star though for my positives from this morning.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
