First, update: Not much has been going on since Christmas. Just a few ups and downs. I think I'm finally learning how to handle things better. I'm slower to react to H's moods and mean words. I feel a lot more at peace. I still hate Limboland...but I'm getting stronger.
New Year's Eve, H was working and kids were with my sister so I drank way too much wine and spent a lot of time on Facebook with some amazing people. I didn't want to actually go out and be around people I would have to put a happy face on for...so I had a lot of fun just chilling at home...getting to be myself.
I started running again yesterday... I have a Half that I'm training for. Ugh. Why do I torture myself like that? Lol. I'm not even a very good runner...but it keeps me active.
I have had a few convos with H where I shut down an imminent fight by validating and STFU. So, that stuff REALLY works.
Good luck Ang. I'll be over here cheering you on from the sideline! LOL.
That is a great list of goals. I might just have to borrow a few of them myself... just not the half marathon.
Glad you had a good New Years. I did too.
Keep us posted on those pounds as you drop them and we'll help keep pushing you. I am still trying to lose more weight too... maybe 15 more pounds for me to start (smaller goals, easier to reach!) and then another 15 after that probably.
Eat your veggies girl and drink some water. Do you want me to nag you on those too? They are also on my list. If I drink water everytime I think to remind YOU to do it, then I bet it will go better. lol.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
I'm trying to lose 30 by September 1. I bought a mini-trampoline and it's helping. Can't say I've lost anything yet, but I like being able to bounce and watch some show.
Bouncing my way to buff!!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Spinning a bit today...and the ride is all in my own head! ARGH!
H has actually been very nice the past few days. We had a really great evening yesterday. He's been laughing and smiling more. Brought home a card a couple of days ago for no reason that he had the kids sign that said "Thanks for being our mom," and then, he wrote some flirty remark in it.
He has been texting me more just to check in, etc. He been smacking me on the rear and flirting with me...and just being more like his "old," fun self.
However, today, I hadn't heard from him all day. No expectations, right? Then, he texted me a bit ago to say that he doesn't have as much money in his personal account as he thought he did (account that he started last year, after BD) so he can't give me the gasoline money I asked for.
I wondered why he wasn't at home sleeping (he works nights) so I casually asked what he'd been up to today? He has a side business, selling construction products. It was this "side" business that he used to cover up a lot of his EA. Trips back to his hometown to "sell" stuff were opportunities to see OW. Anyway, he said that he's been out trying to sell stuff today to make some money.
And, instantly, it was like a hit to my gut, all over again. What if he's back in the EA? What if he's still lying about everything? What if he's seeing someone else?
He keeps "forgetting" to bring his bag (with clothes, toiletries, etc.) back home that he moved out in November. I haven't been pressuring him or asking him about this, but I keep wondering, if he's really trying to make it work, then why is he still keeping stuff at his friend's house? Also, I have yet to meet this "friend"...what if it's a woman!? What if I'm really that stupid?
So, I'm trying to chill out and DB and NOT text him or ask where he's really been. I know he'll just lie, if there is something to hide. No point in asking him. I start thinking I can trust him again...and then, it'll hit me out of nowhere that I don't trust him. Not sure that I ever will.
Well, Angela no one can fault your for NOT trusting right now under the circumstances. You can't control the anxiety and lack of trust, but you can control how you act on it, right?
So... it sounds like in a sense you already know this. You just needed someone to nod and agree.
In a way the "I don't have a lot of money in my account" and "I went out to sell some stuff" actually come together to build a fairly credible story to someone looking at this situation from the outside. He saw he was short on money and decided he should go out and try and fix that. Seems straightforward enough.
And the "I didn't have as much money in my account as I thought I did" happens to ALL of us at some point, doesn't it? So imagine how easily it can happen to an MLCer who is more prone to confusion, lack of attention, and irresponsibility than the average adult. (Not bringing home the bag is pretty typical MLC behavior too... they may need that sense that they can still "get away" if they need to. That they are not trapped back into the home situation until they are fully comfortable with being there).
Whether he is still doing some OW related behaviors or not, does that change what you want or intend to do for the immediate future?
Don't let your head go to that "I'll never trust him place" ...it does no good to try and anticipate your future potential for trust on his CURRENT actions. Of course you can't trust THAT guy, he's still kind of a nut. But with luck he is not the guy who you will get back and that new guy may be willing to put in the hard work to earn your trust back. You can't know for sure yet, but maybe try to give him the benefit of the doubt in the meantime?
Get off the cycle and go do your running to clear your head.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Yep, I "knew" that I'm spinning and imagining things that might not even be happening. Just needed a light smack to the head to move on...and get back to my life. LOL.
I so know where you are. You start to see some positive signs and then some trigger hits you up side the head and your mind starts spinning. All of a sudden all the little positives get overwhelmed by the "what ifs." Tiger is right - and she has called me on it many times - keep your focus and avoid the doomsday scenarios. It could be perfectly innocent, but if it turns out not to be, it doesn't really change what you intend to do - in db'ing or for yourself. Breathe and get back on track.
More exercise and healthier eating in on my goals list for this year, too. I like the walks and enjoying nature, too. I may borrow that one!
2T2M
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
