[labug]

clarification:

This has been a gift for me, and that was true even before we thought of reconciliation.

As painful as it has been, this experience of moving through loss has been a gift to me. Even before we thought of reconciliation, I knew that.

[SemperFi00]

labug, thanks for the your comments. As usual, they have given me much to contemplate over the past few days. Will respond later today. In the meantime......

Ok- so last Wed was a big day. 1st court appointment for adoption of nephew/S8.

Initial step to terminate birth parents parental rights – next date to finalize that part is now 01/22. In the meantime we have to schedule a “home study” in preparation for the adoption filing that will follow shortly after 01/22.

Even though it’s the right thing do, was still a bit nervous about what to expect etc…… Ended up going very smoothly and was a quick, few minutes…..

A couple of thoughts on the process: 1. was kind of strange to have the judge speak at us through the L and guardian ad-lietum – almost like we were spectators and 2. Amazing how different it is state to state in the process. When I went to court for the initial joint guardianship process, took much less cost and paperwork, was very quick and much more personal…….

W has not mentioned anything else about moving forward after adoption is finalized but I have to assume that is still her plan. Seems like it should be happier time in terms of finalizing the adoption given that it is such a good thing for S8 – hard to get into that spirit though with what is potentially looming afterwards…..

More to journal on TGiving and weekend activities later……

[SemperFi00]

labug, have continued to think about some of the comments from your last post…… From my perspective I think you would be a great DB coach and may have missed your true calling in life….. Appreciate your continued interest and comments……..

Maybe it's also not guilt about trying to fix her but rather that I haven't found the right way to say or show her that staying together deserves more effort that what we have given it so far?????

That's still trying to fix. I don't know if it's guilt you're feeling or frustration that there is no fixing this. I think there's a lesson to be learned from all the difficult things we encounter in life. You don't know what's beyond this, what's in store for you.

I think you may be on to something here ^^^^. Maybe it isn’t really so much guilt (I think that I have begun to come to grips with the fact that I can really only control my efforts to improve) and now is more a sense of frustration that there is only so much that I can do to help and support her – and it may not be enough.

Also some real sadness seeing her in such a tough and conflicted spot??? As others here have articulated, I don’t like being where I am currently at but neither would I want to trade places with where W is currently at…..

And you are absolutely correct - don't know what is in store moving forward.......

Don't understand all the ins/outs of depression but for the life of me I can't think of what she has to not be happy about. Great life ecomonically, relatively healthy, 3 healthy, well behaved children, etc......

Just let me say this, about that^^^ I would ask that you educate yourself about depression. I was depressed for a long time and it's not about being happy or unhappy or what you have or don't have. It runs much deeper. The stigma and judgment that surround it is what keeps people from seeking treatment and getting better.

So let go of the judgment and find out what it's really all about. When we are judging a person, even if we never say a word, they can usually feel it.

Will work on getting a better understanding of depression. I am sure there is much to search on. The internet is a wonderful thing....... And this may also line up with some of here initial comments when going to IC. She started by saying that she went because she knew that she had everything in the world to feel happy/thankful about but couldn't/didn't feel that way and therefore felt that she was "broken".

All the things you mention are contributing factors for sure but they are hers to figure out and deal with. That doesn't mean you shouldn't educate yourself but you can't fix her. This is one of those unconditional love, support from afar situations. I think you have some empathy for her... sometimes we just have to turn things over to the Higher Power.

^^^^ Yes, yes, yes! Need to keep referring and commit to memory.

[SemperFi00]

So Tgiving weekend activities were a little mixed……

Had some time off work (W-T-F & M) and we drove down W’s sister’s place on Thurs and Fri. W’s whole family was there – (sister and her H, mom, StepD, step brother and his fiance’, brother and all the nieces and nephews, etc……).

Different physical location than the past few years – but much of the same interactions around eating, watching football, telling stories, cooking, shopping, playing pool, playing football, etc… One difference was that when we left the house both days W began to move back to being more distant and less interactive….

I had made up mind that I was going to act like myself regardless of current situation and where W was at emotionally and I think for the most part I was able to do that. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit to the fact that on a couple of occasions I was thinking I could really end up missing this and wished that W could begin to reach out and allow us to build something new….

One really weird action on her part that I didn’t understand – all the adults and older children were in the dining room eating Tgiving dinner and W chose to sit in the kitchen w/kids versus eating with the rest of us. I asked her 1x to join us and let her know that there was plenty of room – unknown to me her S also had same conversation 2x w/her. After dinner, as we were all telling stories and stating what we were thankful for she came in for a few minutes. BIL made a point of recognizing that she joined us and tried to get her to state what she was thankful for but to no avail………

W’s reaction seemed very strange to me but the difference in my behavior was that I asked/offered and then left it up to her. In the past- if she had done something similar - I think that I would have asked multiple times and tried to convince her to join us. I wish that she would have joined us but I didn’t get overly concerned about it or allow her reaction to influence how I interacted with the rest of them.

Don’t quite know/understand how I feel about how I handled that situtation – many different thoughts on it. Doesn’t feel good that she didn’t want to engage with the rest of us, sad that she is in such a tough conflicted spot right now, stronger because I was able to not over react, a little more distant myself and not sure at times where I want things to go, etc ..........

Oh well, more to reflect on and experiences to grow from I guess………

[labug]

Sounds like you handled it fine, especially in not badgering her about her choice of place to sit.

You don't know that she was feeling or why she chose to sit where she did. I've been at family gatherings where I would have preferred to sit with the kids. They can be more fun.

The thing is, you respected her choice.

[SemperFi00]

Sounds like you handled it fine, especially in not badgering her about her choice of place to sit.

You don't know that she was feeling or why she chose to sit where she did. I've been at family gatherings where I would have preferred to sit with the kids. They can be more fun.

The thing is, you respected her choice.

Thanks labug. I know it was her choice, just like not doing anything for her 50th was her choice and I honored that too.

Have this nagging suspicion though that at some point it will come back to bite me or be used against me though. Although as others here have said, during these times it doesn't matter what the LBS does - in many cases the WAS can use either response to rationalize their actions.

The vibe at the TGiving dinner decision seemed to be more about getting some sort of attention or trying to make a point. But either way, it was W choice and I honored that.....

No fun though - arghh!!!!

[SemperFi00]

Couple of other things just to catch up on some journaling

• Cut our own Christmas tree for the first year in a long time the Sunday after TGiving – S17 didn’t want to go so I let him know that I really wanted him to go but that if he was going to be unpleasant he could stay at home and we would bring the tree back. W also rolled her eyes somewhat sarcastically when I suggested going to get a tree - wanted to say “same goes for you” but instead drank a big ‘ol glass of STFU and we all had a pretty good time (in-laws also went along).
• Have been slowly getting the house decorated for Christmas – would love for it to be a family event but others have joined in to help at different points in time. Last night S17 said – “”you guys did a really nice job decorating” as we pulled out of the driveway. W asked me to leave the wondown lights and wreaths down and she would take care of it so I did – 3-4 days later just ended up doing it myself and didn’t say anything (again sometimes STFU can come in handy)
• S15 made Fresh basketball team – 1st time on a school basketball team so not sure how the playing time will be allocated but proud of him no matter what happens

Becoming increasingly frustrated at what I view as the lack of “equitable” distribution of family work items / responsibilities. Feels like we are eating out more often, that less housework is getting done, less awareness of $$$ outflow, W not engaged in decorating or Christmas shopping, etc….

Haven’t said anything to her yet while I try to figure out what it is that I am really feeling. Maybe just an increased sense of anxiety/tension.longing because it’s the holiday season…….

Just really su#$% at this moment today – although S15 and I did go shopping yesterday and we managed to put up some of the outdoor decorations on Sat before the snow started. Both were very enjoyable!

Used to love amusement parks - not this roller coaster though!!

[labug]

The holidays add stress to most people's lives and depression usually worsens (not diagnosing but she has a lot of the signs)

Do you feel that you have to do more housekeeping and she isn't doing her share?

How important to you is the other stuff? I used to get all hung up on all the Christmas stuff and baking and cards and decorating and on and on. I was so stressed I didn't enjoy the season much. Now I have a very small tree, but it's beautiful and put out about 5 small decorations in the house. The outside got lights this year because S20 wanted to do it.I don't bake unless I want to, and send cards to people I really care about, this year I think there were 5. I also don't do a lot of shopping. Several years ago I turned the shopping for H's family over to him.

Why did you hang the wreaths W asked you to leave?

If I want to do it, I do it. I don't have an expectation that someone else will do it if I don't. It may not be important to anyone else.

[SemperFi00]

Thanks labug for the comments and continued interest.

Sorry for the delayed response - have been a little out of pocket and trying to just enjoy some down time away from work and with the kids.

The holidays add stress to most people's lives and depression usually worsens (not diagnosing but she has a lot of the signs)

Do not worry at all about diagnosing - I think that there is clearly something there in this space but doesn't really matter much until W recognizes or wants to get help. She already takes a generic for prozac (has been for several years)

At least 2x in the last 2 weeks she has been crying for what appears to be no reason at all. Both times I have asked if there is something I can help with and when she states no, have left it at that.

Different for me - in the past I would have pushed to try adn get her to tell me what was wrong or to try and see how I could help.

Maybe this is part of detachment???? Being present and willing to help if needed / wanted while at the same time providing some space / distance so they can be responsible for themselves?

Do you feel that you have to do more housekeeping and she isn't doing her share?

Yes - although not just housework. Also making less meals and instead picking up take-out more, in general just spending less time doing anything at home.......

I guess probably just part of the script and I am getting more used to it. After all, if she moves forward with her plans I will have to take care of all those things anyway, right????

How important to you is the other stuff? I used to get all hung up on all the Christmas stuff and baking and cards and decorating and on and on. I was so stressed I didn't enjoy the season much. Now I have a very small tree, but it's beautiful and put out about 5 small decorations in the house. The outside got lights this year because S20 wanted to do it.I don't bake unless I want to, and send cards to people I really care about, this year I think there were 5. I also don't do a lot of shopping. Several years ago I turned the shopping for H's family over to him.

Why did you hang the wreaths W asked you to leave?

Not as important as in past years. Took a very similar approach as you describe this year and seemed to work out ok. Wish others had been more engaged but all seemed to work out fine.

Did what I could for decorating, shopping, wrapping but also took time to just watch Christmas movies w/S8, etc.... And was fairly sucessful in not getting stressed about what wasn't getting done.

I ended up hanging the wreaths and lights in the windows because I had done other decorations and wanted to get them either hung or put away. Waited about 4-5 days to give W plenty of opportunity (w/o saying anything else) and then just took care of it while she was out one evening. Curious why you asked about that specifically?

Wishing everyone here a (belated) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

[labug]

Different for me - in the past I would have pushed to try adn get her to tell me what was wrong or to try and see how I could help.

Maybe this is part of detachment???? Being present and willing to help if needed / wanted while at the same time providing some space / distance so they can be responsible for themselves?

Yes, it is detachment.

After all, if she moves forward with her plans I will have to take care of all those things anyway, right????

That's a fact I learned very quickly when H left. You accept the reality and do the best you can.

Took similar approach as you describe this year and seemed to work out ok.

Focus on this: seemed to work out ok
I was amazed to learn that even without all my fretting and worrying, things worked out fine.

took time to just watch Christmas movies w/S8, etc.... And was fairly successful in not getting stressed about what wasn't getting done.

Good for you and S8. Those are the times that kids remember, not how many wreaths were hung. Focus on the interactions.

I ended up hanging the wreaths and lights in the windows because I had done other decorations and wanted to get them either hung or put away. Waited about 4-5 days to give W plenty of opportunity (w/o saying anything else) and then just took care of it while she was out one evening. Curious why you asked about that specifically?

Because she asked you to leave them...and you didn't. I think these sentences might say a lot about you and your growth through this:

And was fairly sucessful in not getting stressed about what wasn't getting done. (and)Wish others had been more engaged but all seemed to work out fine.

Don't let your happiness be dictated by others.

Happy New Year to you!

Remember these words from you: seemed to work out ok