Ambivalent, I want to point out that you could have been the perfect wife and your h still would have found faults and blame. He needs to vilify you in order to justify why he walked out. It wouldn't have mattered if you had the Queen's position, model perfect and a home that was a mansion because when they are hit w/a crisis, everything good goes out the door and that's called depression. They only see in black and white. You know this already. So, please do not take on his guilt or drink form his pitcher of kool aid. You already know what you did or didn't contribute to the relationship, so work on those things that YOU want to improve for YOU. YOU have to be happy w/your changes and they will need to become a permanent part of your life.
I do think that you have some resentment towards your h. You continue to bring up the stripper incident. Did you not forgive him for this? If not, it's festering and you need to find a way to release that resentment. It's eating at you. What has happened in the past can't be fixed, but what happens in the present is a gift and one that you can work on fixing those things that you don't like or feel comfortable with. Use the gift of time to help YOU.
Yes, it would have been nice had you been recognized for all of your hard work...but it didn't happen. I'm sorry about that this happened, but many of us have noticed that our spouses didn't always recognize our efforts and I do think that in some instances they took us for granted, but also viewed us as authority figures who would take care of everything and make it all better. If your h was that unhappy w/the way things were back then and right up to when he left, he should have communicated this to you. You are/were not a mind reader.
Ambivalent, you could have a very heated discussion w/him about all you did in your marriage and it would go in one ear and out the other because in his mind you are trying to change his mind as to the way he sees and remembers things. Trying to justify yourself to him at this time is pointless. Yes, you would feel better, but he doesn't give a fig right now. Some day, when his fog lifts and the rose colored glasses begin to change to clear vision ones, he'll begin to remember all that you did and appreciate the hard work that you put forth in the relationship. But right now? No...because it's about him and only him.
You need to find an outlet for the anger and resentment. Come here to vent or better yet, take a walk in the beautiful snow that Mother Nature provided to us last evening/early morning. Clear your head, compose a letter to your h, but don't send it. It's very good therapy to write letters to your h and then burn them or put them in a place of safe keeping.
Try to have a nice day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
