I hope everyone had a great holiday! I have been on the road travelling between states to visit family, taking care of the rehabilitating wife, the ailing mother, and just connecting with my loved ones. It was a good season.
So my New Year did not bring resolutions. Instead I am going to focus on perspective... How I view the circumstances of my journey.
On NYEve W and I went to dinner with some friends... super awesome, supportive friends. We were in bed by 10pm and stayed up to watch the ball drop. It was a good time but W was in some post- therapy pain and I was lucky enough to slip my back a few days earlier so we were a sight to see!
Perspective is my new favorite word. It's helping me with my litmus test on where my marriage stands and where I am in this journey.
It's easy to stay in the "woe". To live in the space of BD, ILYINILWY, the affair, the separation, but the other day my Aunt said to me, "your wife is at home with you." So that started my shift to examining my reality from a different perspective.
Instead of wondering why reconciliation is so hard, I try to focus on the positive differences in my relationship with W today in comparison to one year ago today or two years ago today. For example:
Two years ago today: My W was in an illicit affair for a almost year and I had no clue. We were completely disconnected and resentful of one another. I was wallowing in financial devastation and anger and she was self medicating with her AP. Our communication and emotional intimacy were cracked.
One year ago today: My W had just recently told me the affair was emotional and physical, my world was unravelling, I was snooping and finding evidence that she was planning on leaving me. I was at the lowest point of my life.
Today: I woke up rested and got ready for work, put on bright shiny make-up, had coffee in bed watching the news while my W was sleeping next to me. I recently got a raise, I'm enrolled in my 2nd semester of college and I have more new friends from this past year than I can count. I kissed my W before leaving for work and she told me she loved me. I just spent part of the holidays with my W's family (I have never done that in 13 yrs!) Today I can see my future. The one that is just about me. And for the first time in a long time... I can see the possibility of what my marriage can become.
Sweet.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
