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[Ambivalent]

Snow landed and it's pretty. Going to put a new sign on the snow thrower, perhaps it'll sell now?

Boy I sure sounded jaded above. I'm not as I sound. I was being very sarcastic about the millionaire line. The fear of destitution is a factor in my life right now, and it manifested itself in a really stupid thought.

I am just broken right now, and I need to fix me. I know what I contributed, and I'm trying to forgive myself.

It is challenging when someone says some pretty ugly things and rewrites by writing out all the good parts and embellishes the bad. I beat myself up a lot, and he knew where to hurt me.

I wasn't known for tact, and over the years worked on it. I didn't use it all the time with H. Usually when tired or worn out , I would just blurt. Most of the time I had shown improvement, but sometimes I failed. Now I'm the horrible wife.

When do I get to say how I felt? What I experienced? What was the perception I had?

The pain of my rejection? How I felt abandoned to his sports, his travel ( although I understood this, it was time away from the home compounded by his buddy time )? When do I get to share what needs were left unmet? I never expected him to make me happy, but the teamwork was lacking where I needed relief.

Relief from the daunting hourly stress from the needs of No.1. I felt so much responsibility to help her and she had so many needs and issues. It wasn't her fault, and I needed to help that lil' girl. She was struggling everyday, and so desperately needed help. I loved her so, and couldn't let her down.

When do I get to state how lonely I was, while I was trying to figure out our oldest daughter's needs, and issues? How I truly felt to find out he had a stripper at our home, for a bachelor party, while I was up North with the little girl's we made?

When do I get to share that a complaint from him was not a need being stated. It just made me feel inadequate and unsafe to share. When I stated what I needed or attempted to improve, I got shot down or told flat out "no I don't want to do that" , or ignored ? I too learned not to bring it up, to bury things.

If I'm to keep all of this in, how is this not going to just break me more? How does this process not create more illness? For by him spewing such things, and me absorbing them, how does this not transfer more guilt and stress, which then manifests into a body breaking down?

I'm not saying that I should spew back, even with some detachment, it is impossible not to internalize things.

Is it so I feel more guilt, more pain, so I feel I don't deserve to live on? Is it to hurt me because he is not feeling better? Why the need to destroy, rather than move on? Is it to purge, so they can move on? He says he went "several" times to a therapist so he doesn't repeat...yet he doesn't want to know or learn from my perspective. It is as if it doesn't factor in at all.

I am also hearing some of the same things my father said about my mom. It isn't that he says I'm like my mom, for I know we're different, it is the lack of respect or acknowledgement for what I did contribute. It may not have been monetarily, but it was 24 x 7 x 365. Even vacations were work as a mom. Not complaining,there is not a time when a wife and mother aren't expected to be there, needed.

When listening to my father the other day, he told me to take one hundred dollars and do something just for me. " ...go get a facial..." that was actually funny considering what I do...

He NEVER saw my mother needed that. My H. never noticed either. Now , he did take us out to dinner, and pick things up on the way home. I did say thank you, and I expressed appreciation. I needed that too. Now that the spewing has started again, I really need it.

Okay now to put the granny panties on...I needed to ask these questions, and I needed to vent. I need to communicate and release this, but I need to say it to HIM! For I don't want to hate him, and resent him. That is what leads to resentment, bottling it up.