wife moved to.parents house last week scared

[paul19510]

Hi Rick, I agree with you about the horse stuff. W often ran up bills I didn't see until it was too late. I make the majority of the income. She can not afford this without our joint earnings. Even then we are really strapped for cash.

Prior to it being about horses it was about church and the church consistary. members would ask me..."she's soooo generous with her time, how does she find time for you and the kids....she doesn't, that's how...." but I didn't say that I would just smile and wave.

Love, my neighbor's H did tell me it was awkward and that he was staying out of it. he said, it was his W's idea to take her in as much. I am trying to be understanding. today if feel angry and frustrated withW for walking away. I am only human.

[paul19510]

I think its important for me to also be honest with myself. This has happened to her before. This is her 3rd time of moving home to mom and dad. My SIL told me many of these same symptoms appeared long before I was around. It was always" somebody else's fault." I have to do what's. Best for me and my kids. I don't want the woman that just left. She is selfnabsorbed and not a good partner. I have my own faults. That is all i can remedy. Time to let go....

[paul19510]

One final thought this morning. At the end of the dr and db and the sec starved marriage MWD does say that sometimes in spite of your best efforts things don't. Work out that you stay married to the person. I understand that sometimes its and act of grace and kindness to just let go. I just don't know when that time will come in my case but I will continue to be kind thoughtful and courteous to W as much as possible. I am letting go more emotionally today. Maybe I won't. Feel like it tommorrow. Not sure. I am typing this on my kindle sonolease pardon any typos.

I do know these things...if I am to be married or in a long term R again I want someone who is emotionally available. I seem to pick people who are broken andy need me. Then I feel good by helping. That ismy big 180 in all of this. Either she decides to stay and engaged me this way (which is a lo g shot) or I must endevour to be my best Paul and if I want a mate look for people who really can engage me. Someone that doesn't need me they just want me. Thanks for listening. Am I getting It..?

[AnotherStander]

I feel like they are actively participating in the breakup of my family.

Feelings are often wrong, don't rely on them. I remember one of the guys here reconciled with his W and in the discussions they had after reconciling he found out that her friends that he HATED because he thought they were enabling her behavior and telling her to leave him were in fact advising her to get back together with him. So try not to mind-read, you really don't know what they're telling her.

The thing is, WAS's want out and they want everyone to tell them they're doing the right thing, so they seek out people to validate them. THAT is the WAS's fault, not anyone else's. The WAS will lie about their sitch, say the LBS abused them, was mean to them, treated them badly, etc. etc. etc. all so they can convince people to tell them that leaving is the right thing to do. All the LBS can do is show everyone through ACTIONS that they are not who the WAS is making them out to be.

[paul19510]

As thanks and I agree. I sense change in my sitch this month now that the noise from the holidays has passed. I am angry at sitch today so shoveling the 8 in Snow helped a lot. That neighbors H came by after I was done and already in the house. I knew he might bring his tractor over so I finished before that could occur. The last time it snowed he came over and started telling me the things he overheard our Wives tslking about. I went inside and cried my eyes out. I can't. Do that today so I made an effort to stay away from him just in case. Make sense?

[paul19510]

Also from the email that me and neighbors wife exchanged it did appear that they were at least passively agreeing that W and I are not well suited to each other and should be apart. They are each on their second marriages and often compare our marriage to their past experiences. I know that when I vented to husband he often would compare my W to his XW and say I could do so much better and be happier with someone else.

I let them in. I gave them permission to judge my marriage. That's. Another big 180. Keep my mouth shut. In times like these, their opinions can change the outcome.

[labug]

Paul, I think you're getting it, takes time.

About the neighbor, you're seem hurt but they really did nothing "to" you. They offered your W a place to stay, a neighborly gesture.

Your W is choosing her actions and she would most likely be on the same path with or without the neighbors.

You can also choose your path and how you view the neighbors actions.

It's good to recognize your anger but also dig deep to find where that anger is really coming from.

You may be surprised.

[paul19510]

Thanks labug. Good insight. On the surface I don't. Want what's happening to happen. I can't. Control it though. Might be a feeling of loss of control. In fact now that I say that I am sure its part of the equation. Have not let on tho.

W just came over to take D16 to doc. Sudden onset cold/flu with fever. W didn't talk with me about this at all. But, i did send a text to her since she waited in the driveway again just giving d16 stats with illness over the past 24. Hours. That way she can relay to doc.

D13 is home now. Kids have snow day. I feel short with d13 and recognized it quickly and took my own corrective action to stop myself from being curt with her. Not her fault she's. Getting pulled away so much.

[paul19510]

Labug, I may have asked before so forgive me....is this period of distancing (like not even coming in the house) fairly common early on? Should I be assuming the worst because of this? Did this coldness occur in your witch too? Reason I am asking is it seems that. Eventually things DID change for you...but it took a while

[2stubborn2quit]

Question wasn't for me but I can tell you that in the first 2 months she went completely silent and preferred to come to the house during the day while I was at work if she needed something. Eventually she started being able to call and be able to discuss things *and* make small talk.