I think my biggest fear is me getting over this and moving on, and him finally coming to terms with life about a day late. Why fear, because it would just be so sad to then leave him behind, and I will at that point.
oh man- exactly what i find myself thinking. (lucky you-ijust deleted the long long version of reply- i've probably said it all a million times.
it is a sad thing to contemplate - that if we are the sort of women that only "let go" totally when we're soooo ready to leave there is no "goin back" (probably me - i admit) If they only wise up when we're gone- but by then, we could never give them a second look.
it's pitiful-people- life- etc. i always think this is probably how tons and tons of people live and have lived since time began- with all this pain and unfairness and uncertainty. just bumble along- lives broken &messed around allllll the time. how wonderful and horrible - love.
how in the world i ever thought we would always be together and that no matter what happened- we'd manage to come thru it because we cared about each other soooo much. i was truly living life in some wonderland of my own creation.
okay- i gotta go take a snow picture - i'm depressing self- and i even had some sleep so am not total misery girl.
gotta snap out of it today- have some (a little bit) of detachment- i'm not by any means totally "cured" of noticing what in the world is happening with h in mh life- geee couldja guess that?
oh well- this is a mighty talllllll mountain my particular "journey" is taken me on. i'm obviously going "the long way" . not a stinkin short cut in sight.
i just cannot "use" some kind of revenge man or boink here. the tought grosses me out- just seems with allll the problems of my mom & family - i have not got the stamina and "juice" to handle two giant giant life problems (willingly) at this one time. this sitch with h may stink (alot) but it's still better (?) than nothing and no one in my life. pitiful but true - oh well. i guess my self-worth can stand me takin a hard look at self- i never said i didn't have alot of "junk" here i drag along with me. i guess i'll "get there" in the end- wherever there is?!!
Sometimes i want to envy people who are totally self-serving and be like that- i can't bring myself to do it- it must be nice (maybe). idk- maybe they feel "free" and unfettered. idk- oh well- i guess i'm just a run of the mill, decent human being shackled with all the same "trouble" as everyone else - huh???
i'm outta here - have a great day. still awaiting "wisdom" or something. xxo
