Barrybran II - Six Weeks In

[Barrybran]

Last night, my wife sent me some links to articles she had been reading on moving on after infidelity, in particular, spouses who are unwilling to open up about their affairs. Today, we had an opportunity to speak at length about our situation.

We began with the period of the affair itself before moving on to the events that lead up to it. She told me how she thought our relationship would play out which lead to a brief discussion of expectations IF she agreed to reconcile. She did reiterate that she has no feelings for me but revealed that she felt like hugging me at a Christmas event on Boxing Day as well as anger when I awkwardly touched her on Christmas morning. She said she was curious about these feelings and started to think more about our situation. This lead to our separation talk which "lifted a weight" and allowed her to see things differently. In turn this has lead to her reading and our recent discussions.

Since we've had sex twice in the past 24 hours we discussed if it was appropriate to do so in our situation. One of the major issues we had was that she was comparing herself to other women and that diminished her enjoyment of sex to the point that she was trying to do things that I would like to win me over. I told her that if we do reconcile we will need to face those demons eventually so I asked her how she felt about the two instances we've had. She said that she ummed and ahhed about asking me but decided that she wants to be someone who is direct and so asked for it. She also said that she was able to detach and treat sex with me as a "one-night stand" though this morning, it started in an a way that it used to start which brought some things back for her. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about the "one-night stand" thing but I enjoy sex with her so I figure if she's coming to me for it instead of someone else then hopefully it can be added to the 'positive/fun' list of things to do with the new me. I'm not sure if it works like that but I'm looking at the positives.

She told me the thought process she's been through since BD, including potentially dating other people, but her conclusion at the moment is that she doesn't know what she wants.

I actually feel pretty good about the conversation. Still a lot of grey but that's to be expected. I'm thankful that she's communicating with me and I can see that she's at least exploring the avenue of reconciliation even if she can't make promises just yet. If nothing else, I feel clarity that my DBing is working and that I am comfortable with my situation even if it's not where I want to be. I know I can enjoy her company without expectations and that I will live my own life when I'm not with her. I feel buoyed about the past couple of days but it's a long road ahead.