Crimson.....just checkin' in again.

[adinva]

You may be getting into a very difficult cycle, which I got into with my H, where you overdramatize in the face of her seeming heartlessness and she therefore minimizes your concerns based on your seeming exaggeration. In my case we became polarized. The meaner H got the more nurturing I felt I had to be, and my spoiling and coddling them made him feel even more committed to toughening them up. If there's any way you can calm yourself down and look for common ground, I think it will help you avoid further polarization.

Yes, if you're concerned see a pediatrician. I have heard a two/three year old say I hate you (not to me), and it wasn't particularly shocking. I have heard many times that family changes and transitioning can cause setbacks in toilet training. Your S is upset, but your being upset can feed his trauma. If the all-powerful daddy is shocked and worried, there must REALLY be something to be worried about. His whole little world is shaky. He needs you to act like he will be ok. And he needs to think his mom is not the bad guy.

Perhaps if you can be more moderate in your interpretations she will feel less inclined to minimize. Separation anxiety, tears, even a little manipulation and milking a situation just possibly could be at play...if you're open to the possibility rather than being horrified that she called them "antics"...you'll be better positioned to communicate without pushing her to the opposing side.

I honestly felt like it was going to take me being mean to get my husband off the cycle we were on, and I wasn't willing to do that, so I just couldn't see how to get on the same page.

You need to get closer to the same page.